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Birthdays are usually spend with family, friends, and loves.
But not me. I'm alone for my birthday...
Sure my family wished me happy birthday and so did a few of my friends and love ones but...*sighs* this years birthday doesn't feel right. It doesnt even really feel like a birthday. Depressing it is. All my plans got changed. Sucks.
I'm here in my room, alone, trying to cheer myself up. Pathetic right? I am. I should be glad I reach 18 with screwing up my live...or whats left of it. Lately...i dont know...i been feeling like myself...I feel like...I'm someone else. Someone that i thought was gone for good. Someone who is confused, upset, sad, and scared all the time. Someone who doesnt know what to do anymore. Someone who is questioning life. Someone that wishes everything away. For things to disappear. To die. This person is very empty. Just frowns and cries. Pathetic.
I should be use to this person by now. But I'm not. They show up out of nowhere. Like today. Since I really didnt get a gift, i went to a store i buy myself a book. well, when i was there, my body started to shake. My nerves were all jumpy. I was really uncomfortable. And it was all because of an older man standing by me. He was just looking for a book but i was scared. it happens ever now and then, when i'm alone. If an older male is near me, i feel uncomfortable. I get really scared. Its been like this since i was little. And i dont know why. I am shaking now just by thinking about it.

I wish i was wasnt so fragile. People think i'm strong but i'm not. I'm real weak. I cant handle things well. I will handle them well if i'm in front of others but once i'm alone...i just crumble...I fall. I have to try really hard not to infront of others.

Right now, I want to rest....for days. Maybe weeks..or years....or forever. I'm soo tired. I feel so weak. I cant...I cant keep up with things anymore. Its not possible for me anymore. I dont want to....

A mistake...thats all it is. my life is a mistake. my birth was a mistake. I'm nothing but a mistake. I am. All i seem to do is make mistakes. One after another. And lies. I lie a lot to help others somethings. I hate myself. I never loved myself before and i never will. I'm a hypocrite. I say things about something but i do it anyways. I'm an idiot. I'm pathetic. I'm nothing but a lost girl. A lost girl that is empty. Nothing is me. I feel nothing. I want it to end but cant. I'm a chicken too. I'm so useless. I hate it all.

I just want it to all go away!! To leave me alone!