I wrote this on my myspace and I want to share it with my fellow Gaian's..:
my tummy hurts. My brother is laughing with stacy.
I sit and worry every day about stupid s**t i know i can not control. my life has alternated into a new realm this summer. i have changed so much in the last three years. i know it has to be for the better. i remember when i was young, thinking how great it would be to have someone who truly loves me. i wanted tha more than anything. i grew up and forgot guys truly existed as more than a destroying earth mechanism. in 8th grade i wanted tha feeling again. i got it and then i hated it for another year. now i have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach about love. or hope for that matter. i wonder if i stepped on a butterfly when i was in eighth grade that lead up til now me thinking and writing this.
when we die, i don't believe a angel will come to get us. if i have learned everything i need to know to die then i will go. if i have not i will be reincarnated again by the higher force we cal God. I have a feeling this time i have learned everything i need to know. i think i will die this time. but perhaps i thought that last time.
i wonder if i will ever obtain that true feeling of happiness. not what everyone depicts it to be. that stupid goth happiness. the feeling of just sitting down infront of a fire with someone or no one and understanding if i die right now i would not care. i have felt that twice. 1) a perfect rainbow arched completely over my house..i have only told this to josh...but i imagine not many people will read this. 2) i thought i felt this with corey that sudden feeling of pure content with being you if only for mere seconds. i felt this last night. with chris....i probably should not be saying this but it is on my mind and i am just blabbing thoughts right now. he made me not care if i was killed right then. i don't know if that feeling was one of hope, of happiness, of desire, or anything else. but it was a feeling of one second one second is all it took. i was hooked on it like a drug.
i love that feeling is an addiction a sequineaddiction if you will. i want it again...but it only comes in very rare cases. corey made me feel that the night he told me he truly loved me over christams...but it was a false feeling i could feel it in the pit of my stomach. it was false happiness. chris gave me that heartfelt feeling of "damn is this happening?"
i hate my feet they remind me of toads. some peoples feet remind me of cheetos. i hate that sirius black died and dumbledore. especially dumbledore that is like my sensei dieing. i want to go to a coffee house and hang out, just chris and i. my back kind of hurts. there is a marshmallow beside me. in a bag.
i want to be a blue belt so bad. i am tired of seeing my orange belt. but i know patience is a virtue and so is muder god damnit. i hate going to the trash can. my hair is slicked straight back right now. i look like mystique off of x-men. i wish i was prettier. i used to feel a certain ability of being a high ranking on a logical scale of universal comprehension. but then i found out there is really not enough about me that is important to love or care about. and i can not expect to have someone love me if i can not first love myself. i wish i lived in the old days. of a world of my own
i believe armageddon has came 3 times before. i have a bra on that looks like a sea shell. i am wearing a shirt that says i hate cheerleaders. and penguin pants.
 Orchids of Apocalypse · Sun Aug 05, 2007 @ 11:07pm · 1 Comments |
