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"Well, all's well that ends well..."

So, junior year of college was a success. Both semesters, I got straight As, I didn't kill my roommate, god was she pushing me to it...I got rid of that scumbag of a douche, got a new guy, and am happy.

Or, so I thought.

I'm only human so, I guess it's normal to "miss" the b*****d but, I honestly prefer not to. Even writing about him is just too much for me! I find myself feeling bad for what I did, leaving without saying a word. And I feel even worse for not talking to him after all this time. But, it is clear that he's a.o.k because his facebook says so...stupid f'ing news feed...Yes, I still am his friend on facebook, yes, I still have his number in my phone, but I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!..to talk to him. I already know how it will all play out and right now, I just don't feel like dealing with it, dealing with him.

Okay so, this summer I was supposed to go to summer school. I signed up for a digital photography class and a survey of art type class which granted us (the students taking the class) a trip to NY. Well...that all went to crap. I was eligible for grants, I had housing taken care of, all documents and registrations and whatever elses, were all taken care of before deadlines even hit, but, I didn't go. Why? Because of my freakin' parents....

Do you know how pissed I am to blow off what could've been the best summer ever, for absolutely nothing? Do you know how pissed I am, every time I see a facebook status or picture about the other students in NY? DO YOU KNOW HOW PISSED I AM that I couldn't go to NY after not being there for six years?! I had planned on seeing my old friends, which is something I longed for, ever so much! And to visit parts of NY that I've never been to? To learn how to better myself as an artist? To have experienced such an opportunity that some of those students probably wouldn't/don't even take as serious? THAT would have been the most epic win of my lifetime!

But what am I doing now? Sulking and being jealous of all my friends who are there, living it up and enjoying themselves. Crying myself to sleep at night, thinking about how much I wanted to be there and how great it would've been to have been there. Constantly wishing that it was me who was there and thinking that it should've been.

Not only do I cry about the missed opportunity but how much I feel unappreciated here. I gave up an opportunity that would've possibly helped me excel in the artworld (which now makes me feel like, why the ******** am i an artist because, i dont do the extra stuff that i should be doing, which will most likely screw me over in the ******** bullshit!!! graahhh!!!), just to sit around and not do s**t and my mom has the nerve to give me hell and make me wish I just slit my wrists the right way along time ago!? Why am I being yelled at for things that aren't my fault? Why is it that I get the feeling that I'm not wanted here? Why is it that when I'm here, she speaks to me and treats me like I shouldn't be, but when I'm not, she has an attitude about that?!

I just feel, angry. All the time almost. And the only time that I feel happy, is when I'm with my boyfriend. But that's because I'm surpressing all the things that bother me, keeping them pent up and swallowed down deep in the pit of my bellly because I don't want for the happiness that I feel to go away. But the minute I leave his side and step back into this place, it all comes undone and then I find myself feeling like this all over again. Angry, unwanted, unappreciated, annoyed. And as much as I want to tell him and talk about all of this, I feel as though he just wouldn't understand. Or be of much help. I did talk to him a little bit about all of this the other day but, I didn't really feel like I got much accomplished, or that I would.

I just, can't get over the fact that, my chance to go to NY for pretty much free, was shitted on, leaving my ex feels wrong because of how I went about it, my parents are ******** turdblossoms, and I'm just powerless to make all of this turn around and be better. I do have one good thing, my boyfriend. I guess that's what matters in the end...

All's well, that ends...