I'm not trying to start anything with this; just felt that I needed to record it.
I'm sorry for this. I don't want to complain or whine, but I feel like I want my situation to be known. Talking about it makes me feel like I'm being melodramatic and ridiculous, though. I'm not doing this or saying this for attention. I just need and want an outlet. I'm sorry for whatever this may cause, if anything.
I'm tired of being chained; that's how I feel. I have a boyfriend and I'm not sure how I feel about him. He's the first boyfriend I've ever had. We've been dating since February, and now that I'm on summer break, I haven't seen him. My mom doesn't like him. My roommate/one of my best friends does not like him. Others have expressed some concern when asked later, but most everyone aside from those two are supportive. I appreciate the support more than the worry.
I haven't seen my boyfriend in well over a month, and at this point, honestly, I just want to go see him. Just see him and be allowed to spend some time with him. He lives about 4 hours away from me, so it would take an actual trip to see him. That would be fine except my mom is greatly worried for me, to the point of breaking down into tears if I decide I want to see him.
I have her permission; I've followed her rules and all of her guidelines in order to try and keep her from worrying, but she won't stop. I don't like upsetting her; I love my mother, but I don't like her controlling me.
At this point, I'm worried that my situation will never end. She's always been controlling (out of love), and I feel like my boyfriend is not the problem. No matter if I am with him or someone else or no one, I feel her behavior will only get worse. I apparently can't go on trips without her crying now; even with permission from her, she will still cry. It's not always in the open, but now I feel like my leaving will always make her cry. My travelling for an hour scares her because I was in an accident while at home. The accident happened late at night, five minutes from home, when a driver ran a red light and hit my car. I was not injured at all.
I feel like I'm stranded and locked in a cage. I go to school out of state, 3 hours from home. I'm hoping and wanting to move out after school once I have the money because I want to prove to her that I can live on my own, that I can survive away from her. What am I supposed to do? I hate upsetting her, but driving is literally kind of a necessity in our world today. How am I supposed to avoid that? How am I supposed to gain her trust? I follow her every rule, and still, I can't do right. No matter what I do or say, she will worry and cry and it will hurt my heart to cause her that harm.
I feel like there is no end to this, and honestly, I'm not convinced there's actually a solution. I don't see a silver lining or a way out. This is my life, and I have to accept it, but after 21 years, I'm getting really tired of walking on egg shells and still "messing up" in some way.
I have no words, and I have no solution. I just wanted to share in the hopes that it would help. So far, I am sad to say, that it has not helped. Thanks for reading anyways, though.
in the terrible and unlikely event that anything ever happens to me (which at some point in my life, I'm assuming will have to happen), please note that I have also posted this text in a thread on here, as well as many other comments relating to my problems. I mention this only so some can learn more about me in the event they ever want to. Look through my subscribed threads and look at some dirty little secrets.
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Me, Myself, and I
Wow. Well, here it is my journal. The date is 7/15/07. I started Gaia yesterday (7/14/07). I'm really confused and all but most of my thoughts will be written (or typed) into this journal. I probably won't update alot so don't expect anything.
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