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My love life has kicked itself into high gear over the past month or two. This is how it went down.
So, I've had a crush on my now best friend Tim since before I broke up with my ex in December. He's just amazingly energetic and happy-go-lucky. I never frown around him, and he thinks I'm pretty and a nice girl. But one problem; he's got a girlfriend. His girlfriend treats him like crap, too. And he's flirting with me, but then he's like "oh I'm just kidding." So one night in January, me Tim, and my best friend Stacie (Us three hang out all the time.) were chilling. And that was the night I decided that I really couldn't pursue a relationship with Tim. He's not ready to break up with his girlfriend, and even then, he'd need some time to be single. Not to mention my take on him shifted to a more friend like status.
The same night, Stacie and Tim's friend I had heard of but never met was coming over Tim's house. (where us three were) But I had to go home before meeting him.
And Stacie, Tim and I, being idiots, took pictures through out that night. Stacie showed this friend, his name is Pat, pictures of us and stuff. And Pat points me out and he's like "Who's that?" Stacie says, "That's Sam, she's like my sister." And Pat's like "Holy s**t she's really hot" So Stacie IMs me while they're hanging out and I'm home, being bored because of my stupid curfew being 10pm. And she tells me that Pat's like "Ho damns gorgeous.", and Tim actually got defensive. I was like "Awesome. XD"
So after talking several days via internet, being formally introduced and hanging out a couple of times, we start going out. He's funny, witty and damn hot. And for the first two weeks it's awesome.
Then he gets busy on me. He's got a lot of crap to do in life, with paint ball, because he's a professional paint baller, and then he's co-owner of a puppy shop with his mom, and he's building his apartment. All three of his obligations demand him at once, so he has no time for me. But only after not seeing me for two weeks does he tell me this. And he suggests a step back.
But uh.. in those two weeks..I got a head of myself. Because I didn't think I'd have to stop seeing him, something like this blind sighted me. And I don't want to..but I regret it. Because the physical love for me makes the emotional attachment strengthen. A lot. To go to "just friends," it killed me.
And this whole arrangement isn't permanent. It'll only last for a month or two, according to him. So I'm caught in a turmoil of should I stay or should I go. My first choice was to stay, just keep on the side lines and wait. But if I waited, my feelings would be harboring and actually growing. Which was not helping that I couldn't see him. I ended up being he most needy emotionally wrecked person ever for a few weeks.
One fatal flaw on his end; he wasn't holding up his end of the bargain. He said "we'd still be friends and talk, keep in touch." I couldn't see him in person, his phone was broken so I couldn't talk to him, and he's never online anymore. So the only way to keep in touch was through myspace messages. And even then he wouldn't respond to them. He was ignoring me.
It killed me, I was seeking his attention and interest so bad. I was putting provocative pictures of me on my myspace, hoping to bait him into a comment, and nothing. But I got hit on by a number of other strangers. Some were pretty hot, too. And yet the boy I want attention from gave me the cold shoulder.
It didn't help that I was already going through severe depression with everything else shitting on me in life. I became devestated. It ******** me up even more.
And I looked everywhere for someone to confide in, to help me cope. And I ended up turning to an old flame, I've written about him in this journal before. I found a lot of solace in him, he understood and listened and gave me feedback. And I found more reasons than I did the first time for why I liked him. He supplies all the things I want. He'll hold me in his arms when I'm a emotional mess. And then he can make everything very light and humorous the next moment to help me cheer up. We're really one in the same, and see eye to eye on a lot of things.
He's fallen for me. This time a lot harder than the first, because we've reached each other on a deeper level than years ago. And I feel like I'm falling for him. I want so badly to be with him in every aspect. One problem; he's away at college. It'd be too taxing on me to have a long distance relationship, though he comes back on breaks and visits. I don't wanna hold him down to me, and it'd be a worse situation than the one I have. But him, his name is Ryan, and I have communication going on right now. I haven't talk to Pat in a week. Ryan keeps in touch, and compliments me, and gives me affection without even touching me. More than I can say for Pat over this period of not seeing him. However, Pat is more available in the physical sense. And that could win me over, because it's just how I am.
What a ******** mess I have. Stacie predicted something bad would happen in February. Though there have been some specific unfortunate things happening this month, it seems all of life has turned to s**t this month. I hate her for her clairvoyance.
-H.H.
 Refined Corruption · Tue Feb 27, 2007 @ 04:18am · 0 Comments |
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