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When I think back, through my love life history, I remember how innocent and childish I really was. My first infactuation left me so emotionally distraught it was unbearable at the time. My first real relationship, where commitment just came so easily, ended in such turmoil, and really did a number on me.
And since then I had a rocky phase of sad attempts of relationships. They would last for three weeks, a month or two at most, and I'd feel that initial passion, quickly snuffed because my head was being turned by another boy who looked my way. I was exclusively dating boys only to find another, break up with the present boy, and date the new guy. I was just jumping from hook up to hook up, crushing on boys and dating them as a sense of self importance. My mindset was "oh cute boy, just work the charm and he'll fall for me" And it worked. Nearly every boy I wanted, I would atleast spark a crush. I became this passion-crazed vixen. I made a boy fall for me in one week of knowing him. It became unintentional, I'm a natural flirt.
A boy that I had a mutual friend with I had been eyeing, I had come across his myspace page a few times spanned over several months. He was gorgeous, a very artistic type. He seemed like the boy I'd always want and I was too afraid to go after. Suddenly, one day he friends requests me. So I took that as initiative to send him a message, striking up a conversation. Not much was said between messages, which went back and forth for several days. And I met him at the mall with that mutual friend present. I was just.. myself, I was single, chilling, laid back. Only took one night to hook up with him, considering nothing was holding me back(like a boyfriend). We started going out the day we met. A prize won all too easy.
But now..things are different. The boy's in love with me. He thinks I'm his soulmate. He wants to marry me. He's telling me all the things I thought I wanted to hear from other guys, because I thought they were mr. right. He's got the script memorized and he plays his role beautifully, he makes it sound very convincing. Part of me is estatic.
But he's putting me on this pedestal. I'm afraid I won't live up. I'm afraid of forever. I'm afraid that I'll be passing up other oppertunities. That small window of doubt spoils it for me. I'm afraid my life is already made up for me, that there's no future to write. I don't wanna settle down just yet, it scares me.
I'm afraid to tell him that because I'm afraid he'll change into every other a*****e I've dated. Just end up not caring and putting me last. But all the things he says, it all sounds so permanent. I'm not completely sure I want to settle down yet. Because I've gotten a taste of casual dating, and as tormenting as it is, no strings attached can be a relief sometimes. Maybe sex will change my doubts.
After being with my first boyfriend for a month and a half we went all the way. It's been two months so far and we haven't boinked. Since like.. the first week we've wanted to. But uh.. many complications have postponed it. It's been 3 months since I last boinked. This needs to change. Soon.
-H.H.
 Refined Corruption · Sun Nov 11, 2007 @ 06:58am · 0 Comments |
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