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things who had made me who i am today


well when your whole life you have been waiting for the light to set you free from the pain, saddnes, and lonlyness that you have had your whole life. Suddenly one day you find a way out of it.
my life so far i have had no great memorys that were good to make me who i am today , i think eventhough i have had a sad life, that the horrible events that had happend made me who i am today. i can remember and will always remember my family, we never get along, but when we need each other we are always here to help, no matter how wrong we did each other we will always put it behind us... and, no not forget about it but learn from it and start a new future, not from repeteing the past but makeing diffrent desisions that dont help only yourself but everyone else, instead of one person makeing all the choices i think that it all works better if we work together and put everything behind us and start something we all can gain from.
my life i have never had a happy moment where iam proud of who i am, i always felt alone in the darkness where there would be no one in sight to help me from this. i never remember a time where my family ate dinner together, or went out and eat and acctually got along. or we all go to the park and play while our parents wernt fighting or when both of them were there, my parents HAVE been divoresed but got back together, and my mom hurts my dad, and my dad hurts my mom. i want it all to stop for once they will get along and i wont be as depressed. the reason i am quiet is because i have never had anyone to open up to and if i did even a little bit, they ended up turning on me and my trust that i given to them would shatter, and i am alone in the darkness once again. i do not know what it is like to be loved for i have never and will never be loved. on my own i have built a wall for i never wanted it to be broken from the trust being lost, and yet i fall for it everytime, but now that i am older i look upon the ones who will lose everything from the choices they have made, and i learn from them as well. i am shy because no one has ever given me any attention so i become nervose to those that do. i am quiet around strangers because i do not know them well enough to know if they would hurt me, yes i have a trust problom and if u have ever had my life you would know that sometimes u cant even trust yourself.
and to those who think they are all that and loud will lose everything just because they dont know how to shut there mouth and care about others who are in need of a little bit of love.
now i am tired of this life an di want to create a new one away from the evil and hate that surrounds my family all the time, i want them to be safe. i had promised someone very important that if i can actually tell my feelings and break the wall on my very own will and change that sad little person who i once was then it can be proven that things can change and we cant wait for it to happen, that we have to do it ourself otherwise the cycle will never be broken and life will continue to repete as from the past. which is why i say that "we must look to the past but not repete, only to create a new one from the mistakes that we had made and learn to make a world in which we all can live in peace" the promise that i had made was -if i can tell my father to whom i never told i loved him and to give him a hug, and tell the one who i love how i feel then everything will be alright" and since i have a hard time showing my feelings it will leave a crack in my wall that can be broken but not by the unfortunate un-trust that can hurt you, but the freedom and love that i deserve, showing that we do not have to repete the past in order to gain a future in which we all stay the same forever. and the future that others had told, if i am able to break that wall then we are all able "together as one" to unite and break the cycle of repetitive life that we have alway been liveing, and finaly move onto the future, always looking to the past but not repeateing the same fate that has been occuring from day to day, we all know this and yet we are all to foolish to do so, we are all so blind by the so called fate that has already been sealed, and not knowing that it is not always set in stone, that only u make, "what of it" and then finaly after all the pain and suffering that had happend in my life, i think it has made me stronger then most people and if i can make my life a better place for not only me to live in but others as well.
"a smile, complement or a simple "HI" to a stranger can save someone from commiting suiside"
a good friend of mine who gives harsh truth but helping that person at the same time and NOT breaking the bond between them
~Jordan Redmond
-so smileing to random people has also made me feel more happier about myself showing that even though u have a hard life doesnt mean u cant show love to others as well