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I'm wondering whether my time on Gaia has run up. People aren't siging on anymore, or as much as they used to. It just depresses me to sign on Gaia and realize that maybe I'm the only one left who cares about the friendships made. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself. Maybe people only looked to online friendships as a way to avoid boredom. To pass the time. To have some sort of life I guess. Maybe I'm the only one left who really appreciates the friendships that I've made and wishes to keep them.

People lie all the time. What makes these "friendships" any different? Actually, these "friendships" are probably one of the biggest lies. It is much easier to lie to yourself and others by talking to people online and becoming friends, only to forget them as if they never existed, compared to talking to someone in real life. Sure, you may never see a person whom you have talked to in real life again, but their presense has a must more lasting affect on you than if you do it online.

I dunno, I guess not everybody is like this. Maybe I'm just over-reacting. Maybe the people will come back. Maybe school or something is taking away all of their attention. I mean, you cannot always be online. A person needs to get out and enjoy life. I will not deny that I have taken small breaks from Gaia due to school or just wanting to be on the computer as much. Who knows, maybe tomorrow everyone on my friends list will have signed on and send me a comment asking me what's up; how's it going; sorry for being gone for so long, things have just been busy.

Then again, maybe not.

I probably am taking this all way too seriously. Maybe I shouldn't be so emotionally attatched to every single person that I have met. Every single person that I have come in contact with. Every comment that I always wanted to respond to, just because I feel like maybe we can become good friends; like we might have common interests. It is probably due to the fact that I am a woman. Women are emotionally attatched to things, to people, to anything that might represent memories.

I guess that's why this all means so much to me. I think memories are very precious. They are something that you might never forget. Each memory has helped shape you in some way. Even a small thing, such as an argument, has shown you something different in life. And all of these memories mean a lot to me. I hate to let them go.

That is why I feel devestated about my Gaian friends not being on as much or just not signing on anymore. It means that they have forgotten about the memories that we made. They don't hold them as closely to themselves as I do. They probably don't think of them as memories, just occurances.

I know I'm typing up a lot. This might never even be read. But this is how I feel at the moment and this will come to pass as a memory. This is something that I want to remember because you know what? This has helped shape me. In what way, I do not know. Maybe something good, maybe something bad. Maybe I have realized that online friendships or communities aren't the happy sort of "friends-for-life-I'm glad to have met you" sort of fantasy that I've always thought of.

Yes, I am glad that I have met you. Every single one of you. And while I may not quit Gaia, not today or tomorrow, I probably will someday. And that saddens me. I do not want to, but I probably will. I just wish that I could tell everyone that I am happy to have met their acquaintance. Maybe we'll pass on the street someday, looking in the other direction, never knowing that we were once "friends."