Mentally and physically. I've been caughing for the whole day, and in the chemistry class I couldn't stop it at all. My friend was already worried. I couldn't speak and my throat was so sore. I was embarrassed by that s**t too. I hate being watched by everyone. I also hate it when everyone can hear me, but I don't have anything to say.
Yea, I hate it, when everyone can hear me. Actually even if I'd have something to say. My literature teacher said I was quiet (she compared me to somebody else). I put my head down and tried to ignore the whole class, but everybody kept asking if something was wrong. I'm so sorry to make everybody worried, while I'd just actually wanna be alone. I should have learned that putting your head on the table will rather just make everybody look at you than forget your existance. I don't know what to do to get rid of people.
And sorry they say. They all do, and that's the most annoying thing in the world! They think I'll hate them.. well... sometimes I do, but I'd fight them a million times rather than having to say I forgive them. Sometimes I feel that I actually get mad a bit too easily. The thing is, that I don't want to be called shy. This shitty school has made me shy. It's its own fault. If they don't like me not to talk, then they should blame themselves. All those Toms and Mrs. Nijpels. You can all ******** off. Stop telling me I'm shy! I am not shy! I just don't waste my noble words to idiots like them.
For the whole day I've been thinking of stuff that others would find pretty discusting. Damn. I also realized that when I was little me and that friend of mine who now had a cancer used to pull down our pants and have sex.. well... like girls can. We used our fingers. I was too little to understand why anyone would have sex, though. I guess we felt like adults by then doing that. lol. I wonder what would have happened to us if I didn't move to another city, and then later here. Would we be together? Or possibly hate each other? Would I be lonely? I used to be bullied in my school there. They thought I looked like a Russian, and that's all why! Yea, that b***h was right, everybody in Finland are supposed to have a blond hair and blue eyes, but I had a dark hair, and gray eyes. My Father's grandparents were Carelian. I'm proud of it by now. I feel special. Also because of the fact that only about 6 million people in the whole world speak my language. Ever before I came here I didn't think of it that way.
Haha. I'm so happy I'm here. I'm so happy I'm me. I'm just all very confused, as I don't really know what's happening next. I wanna live in one place, know myself and be happy with it. When I was little I was proud to get out of kinderkarden (spelling??), even though I didn't know where I was gonna go next. I thought my parents would just take care of it. I know they will now too, but I understand it so much better, the whole situation. People overestimate the importance of school. It doesn't matter where you study, it doesn't matter what you do. You'll always have time to recover, it's never too late to make your dreams come true.
Oh, lol. That rhymed.
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My mind shits too.
Read if you like. lol. I know you won't.
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