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Recently, my dead-end job has been livened up by the introduction of a chessboard. And it'd be even more entertaining if some chess pieces had come with it!!! *drum-and-cymbal*

It says a depressing amount about the usual entertainment value of my work that a chessboard can liven it up, but that's the sad truth. At first, of course, I had to learn the rules, as apparently getting all the pawns together in a mob and getting them to charge forward to lay siege to one of the castles isn't 'proper' chess etiquette.

According to the rules of chess, knights kinda move forward a bit, and sideways a little bit, cuz they're drunk. Queens can hike their dresses up and sprint to the far side of the board in whatever the hell direction they like, a move that Elizabeth the 2nd will probably try just before the Charles and Camilla wedding. Kings, of course, can only be bothered to move one space at a time, and bishops move in a funny diagonal direction; but then I've always had my suspicions about bishops, IF you know what I mean, AND I think you do.

Castles, of course, don't move at all, the knights only think they do because they're so drunk:

Knight #1: Whar's this feckin' chast- *hic*-stle supposed to be then?
Knight #2: I swear it wuz *hic* wuz here a minute ago. Wait a fookin' minute, ain't yew playin' on the other team?
K#1: Are yoo sayin' I'm a feckin' poof?


And then one of the pieces 'takes' the other, IF you know what I mean, AND by know you really should. Eventually the game ends when the King of one side has been 'taken' by one of the other pieces, such as the Knight, the Pawn, the Gardener, the Undercover Journalist for The Daily Mail etc. and the resultant scandal forces him out of power.

Ultimately though, if the King, or in our country's case, the Queen, does get forced out of power then the various safety nets of red tape are such that it'll have no impact at all on my job which is so boring that even chess helps pass the time.

victoryusagi is a bored writer living in West Sussex. He has a special love for the 'horsies' in chess.