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Ever wish you could take back things you never wish you said? Yea well that my case. I say the most stupidest things on this planet so now I'm paying for it by losing the most closest person there ever was to me. If there was a way to turn back time I would in a heartbeat. But I can't get that lucky, I ******** up and I know I did. Nothing will ever fix the pain I caused, and for that if I go to hell I know I deserve it.
To my mother - I know I hurt you worse of all, nothing will ever change what I did to you. I only hope one day you could forgive me for all the pain I had caused you. I really just wanted you to be proud of me, but I guess I ******** that up a long time ago. I just wanted to be your perfect daughter, and when I felt like I was being replaced I lashed out at you when I didn't mean to. You and Lenore are both right, I don't derserve your forgiveness, and I don't deserve your love. I just hope that deep down inside I didn't destroy the caring mother you are, but somehow I know I did. So from this moment on, I won't bug you ever again. Nor will I ever ask you of anything. I just want you to know that no matter what I said inside you know that deep down I didn't mean a word of it. Maybe one day I'll find my peace like you said on Gaia. I hope that one day I'll also be in your heart again. If not then I understand, I'll always love you no matter what. I just wish that I didn't become the b***h daughter I promise myself I never become.
You belong here, after reading your journal, everyone right. You belong here. Your love and I know that this place is what keeps you sane. I'm just sorry I brought the pain to you. So I'm going to be the one to back off not you.
To Lenore - I rather not place this on gaia, as I know you will never read it. I know now I was foolish, and I know that I shouldn't have blamed you for all the s**t I pulled. I knew I should have told you, but I was scared. Now that I ******** up I know there no way you'll ever take me back as a friend. I hope you know that deep down inside I love you. I always have, I was just stupid. I admit when I am wrong. I know that I'll never be forgiven, and for that I understand. I also know that you'll never talk to me again. I just hope that you are happy, its all I ever wanted. Please know I never wanted any of this bullshit to happen to you. I never wanted to bring this drama on you. In the end I know that I brought this all upon myself just like you said. And with that I shall also leave you alone. Have a great life and take care of yourself. And I'm glad your concert was great.
With that I shall disappear into the darkness the way most people do when they know they have ******** up. I don't know if I shall ever return, I know I destroy what happiness I had here. I do know that I need to just move on and step away for the time being. Its for the best, I don't wish to push anyone into leaving and I sure as hell don't want people hating me.
So I am on hiatus, if I don't return I will inform people. Just right now everyone is right. I need to find peace within myself. And I know that being here won't be the way to do it.
But even I know that has already happen, so with my final words, I'm sorry for anyone I have hurt, and I do hope that somehow I can be forgiven.
 Krista DarkAngel Silme · Tue Jun 20, 2006 @ 06:05am · 0 Comments |
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