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Wow, I had the most WONDERFUL day ever. So.. in the immortal words of d**k Button, "How delightfully... DELIGHTFUL!" *gags*
Lemme explain. This morning, first thing I remember Rosette saying to me is that she felt like she was gonna throw up. She did, actually. In the trashcan in the cafeteria. Quite frankly, it wouldn't have bothered me normally but I didn't eat anything this morning and really me and orange juice never agreed when I felt sick. Smelling vomit makes me start nearly retching, I had tears in my eyes 'cause I could hear her coughing through my headphones and I was sorta trying not to throw up 'cause the smell and the thought of seeing her cough stuff up really wasn't very appealing to me. We went to the bathroom and she threw up a bit more and I helped her get all cleaned up and stuff.
My morning proceeded to grow worse as first period started. Spanish. Truthfully, in my entire high-school... student life, in all my knowledge of the classes I've hated, first comes speech last year, the start of all my depression... and after that comes the Spanish class from hell. I'm so left out in there, and all the freshman are in there, and everyone but this one girl seem to just spite me... I'm really detached in that class. The whole thing is one big out-of-body experience for me. And what I saw today was wretched.
I got so stressed out because the teacher is always messing up the partner system and trying to mix things up, and for some reason she always neglects to clearly state who I should be with and everyone else finds a partner while I'm left with no one. She decides to come up to me and say, "you know this will effect your participation grade? You need to go find a pareja, now, or you'll be making a really bad participation grade this week!" and so I nod miserably and I can feel myself starting to freak out, which I haven't really done much in high school... I did it a lot in middle school and elementary school. Continually this keeps happening throughout the day.. that class always feels so damn long. It's miserable for me, and it makes me feel stupid because I'm so damn slow. Just so damn slow. I can't help it, I just don't grasp stuff like that as well as I do actual reading. Which is why I'm great at actually reading spanish for the most part, atleast the stuff I know or remember, but when it comes to speaking it and listening comprehension.. I'm doomed. Anyways, I'm feeling more and more stupid and I just totally break down and... well I just started crying. I was trying not to make it inconspicuous but that girl noticed, and everyone was just STARING at me. That's all. She was the only one trying to help or anything, everyone else sorta seemed to laugh when I left the room. The teacher noticed I was crying and asked if I wanted to go to the bathroom and I just sorta managed to squeak "yes" and quietly left, then ran through the halls to the bathroom. I wish I coulda stayed in there the whole class time. I hate that class... it's so... I can't stand it. I'm seriously starting to cry again thinking about it. Anyways, that made the rest of my day horrid, and here am I, saving myself with my music now. Music seems to be one of my only comforts anymore, most human contact seems to only cause harm. And I found out Amp has been pulling away because her psychiatrist told her she shouldn't be friends with me....
...why me?
 Hoshi Okami · Thu Feb 23, 2006 @ 10:48pm · 1 Comments |
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