Silence. Always silence…no noise, it seemed like. The world was so loud, and so quiet at the same time. It was hard to describe, or even think about to oneself, really. Every word…it was heard, but in a way that made it seem far off, almost like she was underwater or miles away.
Every once in a while, there would be a loud sound. A consistent “humm” that would start of light, almost relaxing. Then, as it went along, it progressed…got louder and louder. After a while, she just couldn’t take it. It got so loud that her head felt as though it was slowly being forced apart, splitting down the middle at an agonizingly slow rate. Her vision would blur and pulsate like her head was being used for a drum by an angry toddler. Colors were confusing and would often blend together to make something completely different, some shade she‘d never seen before.
She screamed.
Then everything was quiet again. Men in white coats…if they were men - she couldn’t remember anymore - looked more like ink blots on madly colored, rotted paper. In fact, she would forget that they weren’t ink blots to begin with most of the time. That is, she would forget until they started moving and speaking in low tones like horrible monsters under the bed. She could tell they were speaking, but the sound didn’t quite reach her ears. Was it because she was covering them? It didn’t seem like so simple of an action would really make any difference when it came to actually hearing. Everything was so distant and detached, despite her being right there.
It was better that way. Keep everything far away, and nothing would hurt. The pain would just go away. They could do whatever they wanted to her and she wouldn’t feel a bit of it. It was sad and pathetic, but at least she didn’t hurt anymore. The pain was just so much more than she could bear alone…
Sometimes, everything would just go away after a while,. There was no sadness, no pain, no memories. That horrible, ugly man would go away, and so would the voice in her head. A vast blackness that never really seemed to end - oblivion was warm. It was safe and quiet and comfortable. She didn’t ever want to go back. Everything could end forever. That was OK…
Then a bright light. The feeling of someone holding her head up at the base of her neck, helping her to face the blurry light that moved from side to side slowly. More dull sounds coming from more ink blots.
Humming that she didn’t understand slowly turned into audible sound, which then turned into words carried by human voices. Who’s voices they were, she didn’t know. Everyone around her seemed to all mesh into one face - a horrible face hidden away by rotted flesh and bandages.
She could see a chair and a table close by. The chair was tipped over, sitting right behind the man with the light. Behind the table stood two other men in white coats. Their faces were blank - bored, even.
They said something…something about her heart… Then more pain…a horrible sensation. As her eyes focused slowly, they felt like they were burning. Too much light…too much sound. Please, God just make it stop. The tightness in her muscles throbbed as arms were brought up in front of her eyes, the rest of her body struggling and flailing rather pathetically, trying to flee from the men around her and that horrible, burning light. Once she began to fight back, the men struggled to restrain her, but failed as they usually did.
The air in her lungs was hot as she screamed for them to get away. She just wanted to be left alone. None of this was right. None of it was fair. Everything hurt and she was all alone. Why was she alone? Where was he? Where was that man that made everything alright? No. NO! She didn’t want to remember. Her head felt like it was imploding again and she just screamed and cried for everything to just stop. A name…she was calling for someone. Who’s name was she calling? Why was she even calling for him, anyway? He couldn’t save her. No one could. None of this would ever go away. At least, not for good.
When she slept, she was restless. Because even in sleep, she knew she’d have to wake up again sooner or later.
A sudden sting, and then everything slowed down again. Her body stopped aching and her mind slipped back into the silent darkness easily, lulled to sleep by a deep laughter. It was frightening, but some how comforting at the same time. He was…that voice was always there right before she slipped away. He laughed at her each time, but then told her that everything would be alright, and that he would take care of her… She was his and he protected his things.
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