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(just so you know, this is gunna be a looong entry.)
I went to the mall today, I saw one of those photo booth things. I almost cried, but I held it in. I've been writing little poemy things about the inside of my mind today again, like I used to. I might post em later.
its 3 pages long so far.
Jaella feels bad for me, but right now I kinda just want everyone to leave me alone, but I also kinda don't.. I don't know!! >_< I'm gunna go see 9 this weekend or next week, I hope I don't cry while I'm watching it.
I don't wanna cry in front of her.
my life is a mess.... I don't know how I'm gunna pass college or if I'll ever find someone again. Finding Kuro was lucky, I was priveleged to have him for so long...
a loser like me never deserved a guy like that.
I'm just a stupid b***h who can't handle life as that one kid once told me. I should just go die. but I know Kuro wouldn't like that..
he gave me so much inspiration when I was with him...
I wanted to actually be a part of life and actually try to be a real person...my art got really good and I was working on bettering all my skills so that I could be really good at them later on in life. ^^ ....but now..I understand that I still should try in life, but I just don't have nearly as much zest for life as I used to. Now I just wish if I could to sleep forever and for my dreams to feel like reality and that they would always be good dreams and that I would never know that they weren't real.
oh yeah, that reminds me of something nice/terrible last night. I had a dream that he got back together with me, I was happy, until I woke up. it was so awful I wish I forgot the whole dream....
now that I've been thinking, its kinda funny, he left me at the worst possible time, when I was getting used to things and adjusting to different ideas. I even have started aquiring an appreciation to jazz-ish stuff. I even have a famous singer from the jazz-age in my family. Patsy Kleine. if thats how you spell it sweatdrop
my dad told me about her a few weeks ago when we all went to wallmart to look for a new TV and he saw a CD of her music. I've never actually heard her, but I know about her now. maybe thats where I get my singing talent from ^^; I wonder if I could sing as a job... that would be great. just.. where and how you know?
oh yeah here's a song if anyone wants to listen to it.
just be friends by one of the newer vocaloids, megurine luka. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxG4nxPyjJw&feature=related
*sigh* I'll probably just end up blaming myself for everything soon and end up somewhere completely unlikely for the kind of person that I am later in life.
ughh it even hurts to use the asterisk-actions...
I think I'm getting sick on top of everything else...
greaaat.
well, I'm gunna try and get out more and have fun and stuff, but I doubt I'll ever find anyone else. he's so perfect...but not mine.
...I'll keep looking despite the fact that I think I'll never find anyone. who knows. I might find someone, but they'll just break up with me. I'm an immature loser. that aparrently is more like peoples little sister. hehe its kinda funny, when I called myself an immature loser the other day, Kuro had no comment. stupid b*****d...
so um I know its a bit early, but I just wanna know if anyone would like to date me, just for future reference :3
I prefer online-IRL relationships though, like talk online, then meet in real life after a bit.
hehe...why am I even ******** asking? it'll always be the same answer. "no not really" or "no thanks" or "maybe some other time" or some s**t like that.
why would I think anyone would wanna date me anyway?
*sigh* my self esteem completely dissapears when I'm sad.... its only when I am told I'm pretty or good at drawing or nice that I actually believe it.. I really shouldn't need people to tell me to believe it myself but..well, thats just one of my stupid problems I guess.
*sigh* I hope I don't get stuck in another relationship where I'm completely lied to like that stupid kid before kuro.. I'm afraid that'll happen to me again you know? and it could even happen IRL, so either way I'm still scared of that happening.
I love him so much, I wish I could just forget about him..
 Elemental guardian Zaria · Fri Sep 11, 2009 @ 12:06am · 0 Comments |
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