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I feel like a horrible friend. I've focused on my isms I'm afraid and i haven't been listening to those of my friends... how can I call myself a friend.
And it doesn't help that I blame myself for puting my friend through one of the worse experiences of their life (Even though they don't blame me). even though this is all in the past now I can't help like feeling like s**t but I can't not cry...
Which has lead to another problem...
a couple of weeks ago I got sick. I started out quiet locking myself away, then my stomach hurt. As I got ready for work at 4am my stomach stilled turned. Then as I was about to walk out the door I threw up. But i was couldn't call out sick for work since I had called a personal day the day before. At work I still felt aweful. As I was doing my job making copies, I felt myself fall deeper and deeper. I wanted to talk to someone but knew that I couldn't, friends where either asleep or having fun. Then the horrible thought ran through my head... "I wished I hadn't walked away from the car accient, because I'm either to weak or strong to ever hurt myself". I cracked, i began to shed tears for the first time in a while. I clinged to the computer chair longing to be held, but the only comfort I heard was the humming of the copy machine. I felt so pathetic! so alone
But after crying I felt a little better, so after collecting myself I finished my copying and continued working. I have noe come to the conclusion that I had bottled up my tears so much that I made myself sick. but I still feel as though I can not cry... the feeling is still there and I feel at times that I could... but I don't.

Well Christmas didn't really fell like christmas... except my family function. That was a lot of fun, I love being around my family. My uncle rosie and aunt jan seemed really concerned about me and my arthritis. I was great to see and talk to all my cousins. I just wished that it could have lasted longer. The time that we spend together during the holidays seemed to be getting shorter and shorter... but I got to steal some of my aunt's impandas!!! yay!!!
New years apporches.... but new years will just pass me by, I work. No celebration, no starting out the year on a good note (which I feel I need, I want to know that this year will not suck like past years).