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Conqueror of Shamballa in Five Minutes |
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I did not write this, but I give major kudos to the person who did. I absolutely love this, so i just had to post it. Even though it says in five minutes, it took me way longer to read..... Here's the original site if you want to look: Click Here For The Original Site
Like the author said, I'll say it too: This contains spoilers because, well, it's the movie. You know that not everything's 100% accurate to the movie but seriously, a lot of this stuff was true....LOLZ.
Also, just another warning like the author said, some of the stuff is a bit spooky so don't read if it'll offend you. Okay, 'nuff said lolz.
Creepy random villian: Hello, I have a bomb. So should you.
Al: Um, no thanks. And why am I randomly back in armor?
Ed (busts in through ceiling): Hey, that's nothing compared to my random SPACE HELMET!
Al: ...niisan, your fashion sense... *headpalm*
Ed: Hey, at least we know it's a flashback now.
*Cue overly gratuitous fight scene*
Creepy random villian: Oh nos! I am bested! Obviously, the solution is HUMAN TRANSMUTATION. I have thought about it for two seconds. It is the best plan.
Gate: I agree. *LOOM* *MUNCH*
EdnAl: ...
Castle: *collapse!*
EdnAl: !!!
Ed (now in Munich): ...and the moral of the story is - well, I guess there's no moral to this story, it's just a bunch of stuff that happened. Kind of like the rest of this movie.
Alfons: Ahahahah...ah ha. Edward, you are certifiable :-/
Ed: HEY, I AM PERFECTLY COMPETENT! *turns around to protest, totals car*
Alfons: See what I mean?
Ed: Uh...HEY LOOK, gypsies!
Alfons: *random coughing fit*
Ed: *meaningful look of OH NOES*
Gypsies: Hey there sugar, looking for a good time?
Ed: Yeah! Yay carnival! biggrin
Gypsies: ...that's not what we meant.
Ed: Oh. *blush*
Alfons: And while you stare at boobies, I'm gonna stare at YOU. HEY SLASH FANS!
Noah: Hi. I randomly read minds.
Ed: Hi. I randomly find you intriguing. Damn canon weakness for Sues.
Random military guys: We also randomly find Noah intriguing. This is why we've purchased you.
Noah: *reads mind* ZOMG! *flees*
Alfons: Hey Ed! So my buddies and I are randomly gonna shoot off this rocket at a town festival! You see, historically speaking, there was a time when the German populace was enthralled by rocketry and public demonstrations were common, if unsafe- Oh wait, I forgot, we don't actually EXPLAIN that .
Ed: TL;DR anyways. Later.
Alfons: D: You're not gonna stay and watch? Nooooo - wait, maybe they should also have left in backplot about, you know, why I care about you to begin with. Because I am so totally gay for you.
Ed: Yeah, well. Huh whut?
Noah: Woe, for I am a damsel in distress!
Ed: Woe, for I am pwned by canon!Sue!
Random guys: Time for a random fight scene!
Ed: Time for me to show off my totally random replacement automail! *kicks a**, flees with girl*
Alfons: *hooks up with random evil military guy* Hey, someone wants to pay me to build a giant rocket in the basement of their cool occult castle! I won't ask any hard questions. Because I'm dying from lung damage caused by inhaling rocket fuel fumes and I am worried I won't have time to acheive my dream of going into space- Wait, they don't explain this part either O.o; WTF.
Military guy: Damn, we lost the girl...and I was hoping she could help us find the Dragon. That is to say, the Great Serpent...
Rand: Hey, somebody call for the Dragon?
Military guy: ...what? Boy, get out of here, you're in the wrong series!
Rand: Well how was I supposed to know? Great Serpent, Dragon...
Military guy: ...
Rand: ...random crossover would make about as much sense as the rest of the random mythology.
Military guy: Point.
*Back at a Random Apartment Complex*
Noah: So you're sure you're cool with a total stranger shacking up with you?
Alfons: Hey, I'm just glad Edward is shacking up with ANYBODY. You'd swear he was a block of ice below the waist. Heaven knows I've tried to get in his pants enough times...Noah: Er...
Alfons: *continues random emo, then goes to work*
Ed: *has dream about Winry and Al, then fangirls go to work*
Noah: So uh, I see you have a box of legs in your room. Creepy.
Ed: Yeah, check this out! Tech light years beyond Germany in the year 2000! Actually, I got them from a giant plot hole my Dad, so don't think too hard. The writers obviously weren't.
Noah: So where is your dad, anyway? Don't mind me while I ask incredibly personal questions.
Ed: Yeah well, he sort of walked out on me again. So naturally I ended up living with alter!Al, who was kind enough to take a research buddy but otherwise total stranger into his home biggrin
Alfons (offscreen): Yeah, about that...can we get it on yet?
Ed: *continues to emo* And yeah, your mind reading was right - I don't come from this world. Maybe this isn't even another world at all. Maybe this is all part of a squirrel's bad dream. Or hey, it could always be my own personal hell biggrin
Noah: ...you're a cheerful sort, aren't you?
Ed: Damn straight.
Alfons (offscreen): Straight?! DAMMIT!
Alter!Gracia: Hey Ed, I'm here to remind you of all the people you miss back home!
Alter!Hughes: Hey Ed, I'm here to remind you of all the people who are DEAD back home!
Noah: And I'm here to be the only person who believes you, but only because I can see into your mind and see Al.
Ed: 'S okay. I'll stick close to you cause you're talking about Al.
Alfons (offscreen): HEY! I'M AN AL TOO, YOU KNOW!
Al (offscreen): Hehehe, see, this is why I pwn.
Random doctor: I'm here to do something completely unnecessary to your arm, because we sure as hell have no idea when you hurt it.
Random angry guy: No, you're here because everyone has to hear my biggoted ranting.
Ed: Man, that guy should stfu already.
Noah: No, it's okay. *insert something about long-suffering Roma people*
Ed: Hold that thought cause ZOMG, HOMUNCULUS! And look, fangirls, I'm still in perfect shape - I managed to chase a car down on foot!
Alter!Bradley: Hello, thug from nowhere who is threatening to kill me. Can you drive for me? I'm in need of a new thug.
Ed: ...you might want to see my driving first.
Alter!Bradley: Never mind that, we're here! Check out this castle, we're going to go dragon-hunting.
Ed: St. Edward vs the dragon!
Envy-dragon: Awesome, how nobody has noticed me so far!
RANDOM BIPLANES: 'Cept for us! Hey, check out our lances of Longinus!
Envy-dragon: *is pwned*
Ed: ...wtf was that!?
Hess: Wait, who are you? And if we don't want witnesses, why haven't we shot you yet?
Ed: I'm going to stupidly announce myself to the strange men holding me captive! Sadly, THIS part is totally in character.
Military guys: Edward Elric! *gasp* He's so important...that we're going to just let him go free.
Eckhart: That's okay, I'm randomly majikal too! biggrin *opens Gate using Envy...or maybe Hohenheim. Ah, nobody cares*
Shoulder pads: We are so massive, we speak for ourselves. CUE THE GUYS IN ARMOR! One of whom looks suspiciously like Al.
*Cut to Northern Amestris in winter*
Havoc: Hey Colonel - I mean, Corporel. How did you swing getting demoted when the rest of us kept our ranks, anyway? I mean, we were ALL involved in that uprising.
Emo!Roy: No. It's okay. I deserve to be demoted. Look at what I am reduced to! I will be a good little Russian Amestrian and drink vodka out in the middle of nowhere.
Breda: WTF? Okay, that was weird. You think we should have brought Hawkeye to kick his emo a**?
Havoc: No...*meaningful* You see, Hawkeye isn't the one he's waiting for... OH ROY/ED FANS~
Slash fans: Hell no! Roy, you suck now > neutral
*Cuts to Other Parts of Amestris*
Izumi: *randomly dead*
Winry: *randomly grave visiting*
Wrath: *randomly around*
Winry: Aww...you left your dead mother-figure flowers. Here, I'll fix up your automail so you can be a plot device.
*Cut to Lior*
Armstrong: *sparkle sparkle*
People: Oh no...
Evil Armors From Beyond: *menace menace*
People: Oh no...
Cosplay!Al: Why no, I'm not obsessed with my brother! *flashes teeth* Hey, watch THIS! My soul can leave my body, isn't that awesome? biggrin
Armors: *are randomly sucked back up into the sky*
Al: D: Hey, I wanted to plunge headfirst into the glowing purple thing, too...oh well. Never mind the fact that I'm still missing bits of my soul!
*Back in Munich*
Ed: Dum de dum...here I am, poking around the Evil Professor's lair. Oh wow, what's this GIGANTIC ARRAY doing half-finished? And a convenient piece of chalk...time to complete it! Never mind the GIANT ENVY-SNAKE above me, or the evil lady watching over me...
Array: *activates, spits out DEADED ZOMBIE ARMORS*
Random military guys: Did you do this!? Answer, or we shoot you! Oh hell, we might just try and shoot you anyways.
Armor!Al: Oh no you won't! *grabs Ed, flees*
Ed: Wow, flailing away from certain death! That was remarkably nostalgic. What the hell are you doing back in that get-up again though ;_;
Armor!Al: Well, you see, my soul is stuck here, but not stuck well enough that I can stay to explain to you that I'm really alive and safe biggrin See ya later, brother! *pseudo-death scene*
Ed: ...yup, own personal hell.
*Back at the apartment*
Ed: Hey Alfons, I ran into Al! You know, MY Al. The one that doesn't suck.
Alfons: ...D: *EMO*
Alter!Bradley: Hey thug-from-nowhere, drop everything and come talk to me.
Ed: ...engh, sure why not. What else would I be doing right now (besides trying to get back to Al through the Gate)?
Alfons (off screen): Me?
Ed: *goes to see Alter!Bradley*
Alter!Bradley: *is revealed to be Fritz Lang*
Fritz: So I am here to warn you that in the future everything will be controlled by a race of super-men who will cause the lesser races to slave away in subterranean steam punk squalor--oh wait, I meant, the guys you're working with are trying to start a war.
Ed: !!!
Fritz: Engh, but don't worry about that. I don't want you to get yourself shot up...until you're being my fulltime thug, takin' bullets.
Ed: ******** you, leaving now kthanx!
*Back at apartment*
Alfons: *packs clothing*
Ed: Hey Alfons, your boss is evil! Stop building that rocket thing.
Alfons: ...Edward, ever notice how my clothes are all in the room you sleep in?
Ed: Yeah? Huh, funny.
Alfons: ...ever notice how that implies your bed should be MY bed, especially cause you know, they only show one?
Ed: Yeah? Huh, funny.
Alfons: ...okay, that's it, I GIVE UP, I'm leaving. I'm dying, I don't have much time left, I have a dream, YOU ARE TOO STUPID TO SEE THAT I WANT TO JUMP YOUR BONES... *sudden attack, bleeds all over*
Ed: !!!
Alfons: *leaves*
Ed: ;_;
Noah: Don't worry about that, honey. Alfons is obviously on the rag.
*Later*
Noah: *is creepy*
Ed: *is MINDRAPED*
*Meanwhile in Amestris*
Winry: Hey Shez, ever notice how all we do all day is visit the graves of our loved ones?
Shez: We could have hot lesbian sex instead...
Winry: Whoa! Look what I found. Gee, I wonder who could have done this.
Flowers on Maes' Grave: ROY WuZ HERE
Winry: Anyways, on to the matter at hand. Shez, darling, can you sneak me into that underground city? Cause I totally know that Wrath and Al are there.
Shez: What would they be doing in the underground city?
Winry: I don't know, but if I were an Elric and an abomination against nature, that's totally where I'd go to hang out.
Shez: Oh, all right...I'll take you. Does that mean I get to bang you?
Winry: ...maybe later.
*In Central*
Al: Hey Wrath, what exactly are we doing in this underground city?
Wrath: Oh, no reason. *whistles*
Al: Crap, you've attracted a...dopey looking tentacle monster.
Wrath: Oh goddammit, Gluttony.
*Cue additional fight scene*
*Back in Munich*
Noah: Sorry Ed. But I mindraped you, and I'm having your Gate babies and giving them to the Nazis.
Ed: Huh whut?
Hughes: *is randomly a Nazi*
Ed: Huh whut?
Car: FRITZ LANG to the rescue! *busts through wall to free Ed*
*Cut to the villa*
Random military guys: By the way, Alfons, you won't be firing your rocket outside. Check out our new retractable dome! We installed it so Tampa Bay could play here.
Alfons: Huh whut?
Ed: *RANDOMLY PILOTS A BIPLANE* *CRASHES THROUGH WINDOW*
Alfons: Indiana Ed! My hero!
Ed: Noah! Don't open that gate!
Noah: But but, I wanna see YOUR world! I wanna go there and live forever and be happy and a princess and Those Mean Girls will never pick on me again ;_;
Ed: ...congratulations, you've now acheived Sue-strumentality f^^;
*Back in Amestris*
Wrath: *is chomped* AL! TRANSMUTE ME, I WANT TO DIE!
Al: I don't think...ah, what the hell. *opens Gate*
Wrath: YAY MOM! And thus, I am the only happy person in the movie, at all.
*Back in Munich*
Shoulder pads: Last warning, boy. Open the gate, or Daddy gets it.
Hohenheim (in Envy's mouth): Man, spending "quality time" with family sucks. Edward, go home to your brother. *is deaded*
Ed: *is in shock*
Ed: *is shot*
Eckhart: *blows smoke off gun barrel* All must obey the will of the Shoulder Pads. NOW WHERE ARE MY STORMTROOPERS!?
Armors: *menace menace*
Alfons: Oh Indy! Good thing you have your Indy-powers, she shot you in a good guy spot!
Ed: That's good but uh, what am I doing in this rocket?
Alfons: Going home.
Ed: ...what, now you want to get rid of me? D: Manic, much?
Alfons: Yeah, I want to prove I'm my own person. Let's see that other Al be half as manly as THAT razz
Ed: Alfons! *whine* But I'm claustrophobic!
Alfons: *watches happily*
Alfons: *is shot*
Maypirate: Hooray!
Noah-Sue: *shimmering Sue tears* Edddddd, take me WITH youuuuuu!
Ed: STFU NOW, KTHANX! *accelerates*
*Meanwhile*
Eckart: Hey, I picked up gate babies! Ahahaha, take THAT shoulder pads! Now /me controls J00!!! Today the shoulder pads, tomorrow the UNIVERSE!
Winry/Shez/Al: OMFG ROCKET!
Ed: Whoaaaa...
Winry: ED! *tackle-glomp*
Ed: Correction, whoa boobies. *blush*
Al (laid back): Hey, niisan. 'Sup.
Ed: Oh, hey bro. Not much...aside from the unholy forces of hell currently running amok in Central!!!
Al: Whoops, my bad.
Winry: Hey while we're at it, have some automail! I've just been carrying this around for years in case you should ever come back from the dead biggrin
Armors: *menace menace*
Havoc: Gee, ever notice how these are the slowest moving shock troops, ever?
Breda: But woe, for we are all still screwed!
Havoc: No wonder, if we all shoot as poorly as that Eckhart chick does > neutral
Roy: *shows up, explodes things*
Everyone: IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME.
Roy: Hey, it's not my fault. Without Fullmetal around, nothing pissed me off enough to make me want to blow things up razz
Al: I see dead people...they're every where...AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.
Ed: Yup. Another day, another genocide.
Al: Cheerful, aren't we.
Ed: Well, now that you've had your emotional virginity raped away, how's about we go kick some a**?
*Cue another gratuitious fight scene*
Roy: Hey Ed, 'sup?
Ed: Not much, Roy, 'sup?
Al: You know, we're all taking this pretty well, niisan randomly being alive and all.
Roy: Well, you know. Central blowing up, you assume Fullmetal has to be involved somehow.
Al: Point.
Ed: Screw you guys, I'm going home! Al, I'm drawing a line down the center of this Gate-baby!ship.
Al: D: What?!
Ed: I have to go back and destroy the Gate. God knows why we don't just explode it on this side.
Al: Noooooooooooo! If you do that, Hyde will become canon!!!
Alfons (from beyond grave): DAMMIT, but I'm dead now! D: Even when I win, I lose ;_;
*Ship flies back through Gate*
Winry: *sad smile* Well, at least I don't have to wait for him to get a sex drive anymore.
Shez: ...can we have hot lesbian sex now, then?
Winry: *shrug* Okay, why not razz
Slash fans: *sadly, shun hot pairing*
*Back in Munich*
Everyone: *gasp*
Ed: Alfons! *gasp*
Alfons (from beyond grave): Wait, you seriously came back!? Dumbass, now my Selfless Sacrifice was meaningless.
Al (pops out of armor): But mine wasn't! 'Sup, brother!
Ed: AL! What are you doing here?
Al: Not much, hanging around, watching the game... oh yeah, I wanted to be with you.
Ed: But I--oh, fine. Cue the Elricest, then?
Al: Yeah, probably. HEY, SLASH FANS...
Slash fans: Okay, we're up for this one!
EdnAl: *destroy gate, save the day*
*Later...*
Noah-Sue: *does a random gypsy dance on Alfons' grave*
Alter!Hughes: *randomly hooks up with Alter!Gracia*
Ed: Well, now that we're stuck in this alter world...what should we do?
Al: We could randomly go back to that whole megaweapon thing that was floating around since the beginning of the movie.
Ed: Oh yeah! Sure, why not. Indiana!Ed rides again!
*And last, but certainly not least, back in Amestris...*
Winry: *randomly playing with Den*
Winry: To hell with man. Dog is woman's best friend razz
THE END
 Saruna-chan · Fri Feb 06, 2009 @ 01:17am · 0 Comments |
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