I did something pretty awesome and fun today. It was really great and it put me into a really good mood, at least until I was done and had enough time to just sit down and think. You know. When you're doing something you enjoy, you don't really think about much else while you're doing it. But afterwards, you have this really great feeling that you just want to brag about. Go to your family or your friends or your loved one and just be like "Yeah! Look what I did! Isn't it neat?" Or at least show them before you put it away, sense I guess not everyone is as easily excitable as I am. It tends to suck when you don't have anyone around to brag to, though.
The good feeling I had earlier kind of got washed away when I didn't have anyone to really talk about it to. So, I was sitting here for a minute or two trying to think of someone to talk to about it, and I got a little depressed. I could only think of one or two people, and none of them really seemed to be in the mood for my company, so I just came back here and chilled on my own. Again.
And you know, it really ******** gets to you after a while. What's even worse than not having any friends is having a s**t ton of friends that never really seem to be there for anything, good or bad. I'm not angry at them or anything. Hell. Everyone has lives and I don't expect them to drop whatever they're doing just so I could bore them with "look what I made!" But damn. I really wonder what it would be like to be around people who weren't only your friends because it's convenient to them. It kind of makes you feel a little bit like nothing but a tool they play with when they're bored.
So, instead of talking to some one (at this point, a conversation about anything would have been greatly appreciated) I came on here and did gaia stuff. But gaia, or anyone people over the internet, for that matter, aren't like having a real conversation with a real person face-to-face, laughing about something stupid just because they would.
Being lonely really tends to get to you after a while. It sucks not having anything to do besides sit in your bed room and find little ways to entertain yourself. And it sucks not having people who want to do the things your interested WITH you. My whole life, I've had "ok friends" who I liked to hang out and talk with. But none who actually share my interests. At least, I don't feel like I have. When ever I do anything anymore, I do it alone. I love my independance, but enough is enough.
I am not as independant as I like to act like. I can handle a lot of tough s**t that people throw at me. I can be a real b***h and really tough. But even the really tough people need to fall back every once in a while. I'm so sick and tired of having to feel like I need to be a strong person 100% of the time. I'm ******** 19 years old, for Christ's sake. When do -I- get to start acting my age? When do I get to have fun and not worry about a god damn thing except for the hang over I'll get the next morning, or who's dating who? Or all of this other peice of s**t drama that collage students worry about? Why do I always have to feel like such a ******** adult?
And I feel like such a dork writing this online. I'm sure I sound like one of those kids who has no friends because they're a nerd or something. It's not the case, but I won't bother defending myself past that point.
For me, it's just like there's this huge wall between me and everyone else. I can't pass it and no one on the other side really wants cross it. Even when I'm having a good time talking to someone I'd just met, that wall always slams itself between me and that person sooner or later. I try so hard because I know that wall is, in some ******** up psychological way, is me. I'm stopping myself from being happy. I just don't know how or why. And it's really starting to get to me now that all I can do is either keep myself busy or do nothing but THINK about how sad things are right now.
I'm so ******** sick of it. I wish I knew how to fix this. There's got to be some remedy or some cure for the ******** up way I think. My head is all screwed up and it's killing me emotionally.
--Note--
Just so you know, if you're reading this, that means you're on gaia. Thus, don't jump up and think you're one of the friends I'm talking about. You're probably an online friend (with one exception), thus I wouldn't really come to you with deep s**t like this, though that one exception doesn't need to worry either (ILU. :3). I've talked (or tried, really, sense gaia seems dead today) to talk to a lot of people, but none on here are actually involved in my thoughts while I write this journal. Just gaia randomness. No deeper than that.
I really don't feel like starting drama with the friends I still do have.
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