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I remember that day; my last day I was in that...horrible place. What a nightmare. How did I manage to make it through the day? Everything there was driving me insane! And I do... I do believe that they drove me just a bit mad. But they didn't push me over the edge. Thank the good Lord they didn't. I got out of there in just the right amount of time.
Those people... Those faces... Those voices! What did I ever do to them?! Not a thing... Not one God damned awful thing! But they looked down upon me... Thinking I was worthless! Did they not care what I felt? Of course they didn't... What am I thinking?...
I just don't understand why I was the target for their little...game.
It started a few months ago... Once I got my new classes for the new term. What joy... But I didn't know... I did not see, did not expect the torture I was about to face.
I've always been a very emotional person. But not over the top, no way. Though I do have a high pain tolerence...But words... Words hurt me badly. It's always been that way, I guess... They just carve themselves a spot in my mind and eat away...They eat away until that's all that's left, words that cause me pain...Then nothing but pure agonizing pain!
Silence is golden... Or maybe not? Is that what made me a target?... But I did speak...Just a little. What did I have to say? Nothing I say is of importance... Well, it wasn't back then. I just...didn't like to talk much. I didn't enjoy my surroundings in that school. That school and the people were the problem. No respect there... None at all... None for me. I had problems at that school. Alot of problems. People just didn't know... I wouldn't let them know. I didn't like to show my emotions to anyone but friends... And really, I didn't have many friends then. I did have some... But I never saw them, really. It was rare if I got to hang out with anyone... Yeah, I contacted them when I got the chance... But they were busy...or not my friends at the time. [That's a story that will remain unwritten...]
So, as I was going on about... Seems my state of mind got really messed up...Well, messed up even more. Yikes...
I'd just sit there, by my table partner...What a joy he was. He's one of the main reasons I left that school. The things he said were just...JUST CRUEL! What the hell was so wrong with me that you had to...JUST HAD TO MAKE FUN OF ME? IS IT MY FACE? MY HAIR? MY BODY? MY VOICE? WHAT THE HELL, DUMB ********?! If I ever see you again...I will... Oh, I will destroy you... DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE OR CARE ABOUT! You a*****e... I'll ******** kill you. Kill you a million times over and over again. I'll send you to hell myself if I have to! I ******** hate your guts... How can you sit next to me and say those things to your friends? Especially if it's about me, you dumbass mother ******** whore! I hate you, hate you, hate you. And I'm not one to hate! YOU RUINED MY LIFE THERE! YOU RUINED ME!
Then I couldn't take it anymore... I was done being...wrecked... I was... breaking. I was breaking before my families eyes. I hit the first wall on the bus ride home... Misery had bashed my head into the pavement... Over and over until I wanted to end it all. End everything... End everyone.
I got home and let it out. I screamed. I screamed until I couldn't breathe... I worried everyone. I was unable to speak. They knew something was wrong ahead of time. They could see it after the day we got new seats in biology... The change in me was so great...so gloomy...Almost deathlike. Death...I did want to die. Or did I want the students to die? I did want them to...
I wanted them dead. Everyone who had made fun of me. I wanted them dead... Most of all, I wanted him dead. If he were just to die, that wouldn't have been enough for me... I was full of anger, hatred and pain. I was suffering in that hell hole! Why did they have to screw me up even more?
The basement was somewhere I didn't wish to go. Thank God I did not. That's where the guns are... I almost went that far to end it. How could I have ever thought of doing that? Today, I wouldn't harm a fly... But a few months ago, I could have hurt many...Even killed them...
I thank my mother so much...for not bringing me to that awful place again. I could have caused a tragedy... A mass killing spree was avoided thanks to my mother.
I'm glad...that was avoided... I couldn't live knowing I've killed anyone. If I had killed anyone, I'd end up killing myself in the end...
In a way, I've begun a new life... I've changed so much... So very much. I'm happy. I'm HAPPY. I still might be a little shy, but that's not getting in my way so much anymore. At this new school... Things are different... Brighter...Nicer... I love my surroundings...The teachers...the people... I love everything here!
I'm glad that I had the chance to have a new beginning... They don't come to me very often... I treasure it to this day... For I have avoided my almost-evil-doings... Again I'll say, I'm happy. I like happy. I hope to stay this way forever. Happy never gets old... Hatred, anger and pain, those get old fast.
If you're ever near your breaking point, get help. Don't just go with it... Don't let it take over your mind. You're better than that and so am I.