(This is the first real journal entry in a while, ignore it's emo-ness. No I don't expect anyone to read this, really it's an experiment to see if anyone does.)
I often find myself crying while at home alone. When I'm too exhausted to play Bioshock or Halo anymore, when I have no itch to pick up a pencil, when I can't face the silliness of Gaia, I sit out on my balcony with no shoes and look out at the branches of the tree's in the the beautifully landscaped gardens.
Today it was snowing so the dark and bare branches had a contrast of white sitting on their top, One of the most beautiful sites around. The snow fell on my feet which were propped up on the balcony wall as always and had long since gone numb. It was quiet, beautiful, I had an open book turned down on my lap, pretty much a dream of a sociopath like myself.
It's often boggled me why I'm so unhappy at moments like these, the answer was pretty simple once I determined it. The girl I loved was far away. Why would someone who hates people miss the company of a single person though? Again this was something of long consideration to me. While I talked to her and heard her sweet voice wash over my ears I realized the reason for that.
While others are an intrusion upon my life, when they talked their words would hit against my ears but transferred no emotional or mental significance.
Her words though gave me that as well as an odd comfort, somehow her words kept me sane and whatever irritations I had were washed away completely.
My mind had become so attached to that comfort that any action that did not impress, benefit, or bring forth pride from my angel were meaningless. Give me a test that will not impact my grade and I will not get the results back from I will breeze through without a care. If she shows interested in something I'll obsess about it. My mind had become a series of apathetic valleys and passionate peaks.
With no unnecessary side-tracks of my interest I had become a more efficient person who had a sure goal laid out in front of myself.
The reason I cried was maybe because of the moment lost, with her beside me every moment was able to be grasped to bring comfort to her and I could just lay there silent and happy.
 Hexatone- · Sat Nov 24, 2007 @ 12:43am · 4 Comments |
