[A little story I wrote at random, based off of Tokio Hotel's "Spring Nicht" (Don't Jump).]
I’ll Jump for You
By: Abyssinian
The rain pattered quietly against the window pane, playing its soft, tuneless melody for all to hear. The house was dark, however, and all but one occupant was asleep in their beds. The storm had a solitary audience, as it did so many times before.
A small sigh left the young man’s lips, spreading a small fog across the glass of the window before him. His attention was not on the weather outside, though. His mind was far away from the little water droplets, and on the nightmare, the memory, that had plagued his sleep and woken him so rudely. A tear rolled unchecked down a pale cheek as that horrible night played over in his head, even in waking…
~ ~ ~
“Don’t jump!”
The words echoed through the calm air of the rooftops like a bird’s cry, reaching the still figure it was directed to. Quietly, he turned to look to the intruder, the glint of moisture on his cheeks hardly noticeable in the darkness surrounding him. The person he saw was the last one he wanted up there with him in this time of desperation, but at the same time, the only person.
“Please… Don’t jump.” The boy repeated softly as the small door closed behind him. A look of fear was etched into his fair face, normally bright with a smile. “Ryan, please…”
“You shouldn’t be here.” Ryan mumbled half-heartedly, never moving from his place atop the little ledge. The clouds swirled warningly behind him, telling of the storm to come. They went unnoticed, even by the crowd forming below; their curious and frightened voiced barely reaching to the top of the building. Sirens sounded in the distance, drowned out by thunder.
“Neither should you.” The other boy stated as calmly as he could. “Come on, let’s go home. Mom and dad are worried…”
“You go home.” Ryan turned back to the city below him, his empty gaze searching the lighted buildings as if they might offer some answer to his tormented questions. But his gaze quickly dropped to the abyss just beyond his converse shoes, where the lights directed he would get his answer.
“Ryan, please –“
“Go home, Kayle.” The boy whispered, voice as firm and commanding as he could force it, though it was thick with unspent emotion and trembling just slightly. Kayle didn’t leave as asked, however, as he might have once before, in any other situation. Instead, he approached his twin, determined to change his mind, get him off of that roof and somewhere safe before he hurt himself.
“Please, Ryan, you don’t need to do this. Come down. We can talk about this.” He received no response and Kayle felt a lump form in his throat, his stomach growing a cold, uncomfortable knot. Why had he not seen this coming? How had he missed the signs? Ryan had been so optimistic, so confident before. It was only in the passed few days that he had been extremely moody, though everyone had thought it just because of the accident that had stolen away his best friend.
“Ryan –“
“You would never understand. You never do.” Ryan barked bitterly, his cold and empty gaze turning to his brother. Despite all of that anger he had thrown to the front as his mask, the tears that had shown on his cheeks were unmistakable. “I have nothing left and no reason to bother anymore, but you would never understand that.”
“What are you saying? You have everything left! Please, don’t do this.” Even the desperation in Kayle’s voice did not seem to phase his twin. It was frightening; there was every chance that his brother would not live through the night with the attitude he had taken so quickly.
“No, I don’t. You have everything. You’re the top of all of your classes, mom and dad love you, Bryan loves you, you’re popular and no one hates you.” There was so much pain hidden behind the bitterness in Ryan’s voice, and Kayle felt guilt build in the pit of his stomach. Was this really what had upset Ryan so much? It wasn’t everything, Kayle knew; there was more. There always was.
“Ryan, no… Everybody loves you, too! Mom and dad love you.”
“Then tell me why they scream at me and not you?” The whole time Ryan spoke, his eyes remained on the ground below, death so inviting in his eyes. He couldn’t stand to see his brother right then, to watch the disappointment and disapproval that would show in his eyes. The hurt and the fear. “Why does dad say I’ll never be anything, that I should be more like you? When mom calls, she never wants to speak to me, always to you. You’re always the one who gets the invitations to come visit, not me.”
“That’s not true –“
“Tell me it’s not true!” Ryan growled angrily, turning a hurt face to his brother. The sudden movement almost made Kayle fear his brother would slip and fall, and he inched forward just a little. He was nowhere near close enough to reach out and grab the other boy if he were to lose his balance.
“Forget about them.” Kayle whispered, wanting to keep his voice low lest he provoke his brother to jump. “What about me? You’re my brother, my best friend. We’ve been together forever. Don’t leave me…” Just those last few words caused the angry mask to falter even just a little. The twins had been very close since birth, almost inseparable in everything they did. But when they hit high school, Kayle had gained popularity quickly, and Ryan had become an outcast, nearly forgotten.
“Please, don’t do this.” Kayle carefully raised a hand to his brother, a little hope sparking inside. He wasn’t sure how long he could hold his brother to this world. There was only a small link left, and it was anchored to him. If he let it slip even a little, Ryan would go plummeting to the ground below. “There’s nothing down there for you, it’s all up here with me. Please, come home; everything will be ok, it’ll work out.”
For a painfully long moment, Ryan seemed to consider his brother’s words, eyes locked on the offered hand. His expression was unreadable, blank and empty. Kayle wasn’t sure what to do, whether he should approach and help his brother down, or remain still. He was so frightened that any movement might cause his brother to reconsider.
“Ryan?”
“No…” The boy shook his head and quickly turned back to the edge, ignoring the outstretched fingers. “There’s nothing left.” The line had snapped.
“Please, don’t jump, Ryan! Don’t leave me. Don’t do this.” Without thinking, Kayle carefully climbed up onto the little ledge his brother balanced so precariously on. It was a thin footing at best and any wrong movement could send them both over the edge to the sidewalk below and the waiting arms of death.
“You can never understand, Kayle. Never.”
“I want to! Please, just come home. Talk to me. I want to help, I don’t want to see you die.” Kayle was so desperate now; there was so little keeping his brother there on the roof’s edge. If only he could sway him the other way, make him leave that ledge so they could go home. But Ryan didn’t move.
“My best friend is dead!” Ryan shot his brother another glare, this time the anger no longer enough to mask the pain. “The only person who understood me is dead because some jerk thought it was funny to drive while he was drunk!” Tears stung his eyes and he quickly looked away again. “And the one person I cared about is in love with you.”
Kayle felt his heart drop to his stomach, tears stinging his own eyes. “Bryan…” Ryan didn’t even need to answer, it was obvious. “You never told me… If you had said something –“
“It wouldn’t have mattered, he’s always liked you better!” Ryan shook his head, wiping the moisture from his face. “Everyone’s always liked you better.” It was as if it really was all his fault, and Kayle felt an overwhelming amount of guilt for all the pain his brother was going through. Everything his twin said was referring back to him, that it was because of him. His brother was in such desperation to escape his pain that he was willing to jump and it was all because of Kayle.
“I just want to start over.” The whisper broke through Kayle’s thoughts and he looked to his brother with a mix of the previous fear, concern, and hurt. “If I can just end it… I can start over again, start a new life.” All of the anger and bitterness had left Ryan’s voice and had been replaced by an empty acceptance. An acceptance of the fate he was forcing upon himself. “I don’t want this life anymore.”
“Then take mine…” Ryan looked to his twin in slight confusion, but Kayle’s eyes had fallen, turned to stare at the same picture that his brother had. “Live as me, and I’ll jump for you.”
“What?” At first, Ryan almost thought his brother was joking, if it wasn’t for the serious tone. There was fear in Kayle’s voice, fear for what he was offering. But when he lifted his eyes to his brother, they were soft and kind, a small, sad smile pulling across the boy’s lips.
“I’ll jump, and you can live as me. If I’ve caused you so much pain, then it’s me who should disappear, not you.”
“No, Kayle… it’s your life.”
“And my life is nothing if you’re not in it. If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t have lived at all.” Kayle was referring to their birth, being the smallest and weakest of them. The doctors had said Ryan was the only reason his baby brother had made it through; their strong connection.
Ryan shook his head vehemently. “No! You have the perfect life and only you can live it. I’m not doing this, don’t you dare even think –“
“You say there’s nothing left for you but death. This is your second chance, your new life. You can start over as me, take everything I have.” Tears had started in Kayle’s eyes, evidence that he was afraid to go through with his offer, but also that he was hurt. But if it saved his brother, showed him what he had to live for…
“Take care of Bryan… love him for me…”
Ryan didn’t even have time to react, to stop his brother, before he was pushed back onto the roof. He fell hard onto the concrete, but quickly scrambled to his feet just in time to see his brother’s body disappear passed the edge of the roof. Whether it had been intentional, or the force he had used to push his brother had caused him to lose his balance, Ryan didn’t know, and didn’t care.
“No!” He rushed to the side of the roof, but it was too late. Kayle’s body fell to the street below and screams echoed through the night, drowned out only by the ambulance sirens. Ryan could only watch from the roof, eyes widen and disbelieving. Kayle had sacrificed everything; he had killed himself despite all of his fears, just to save his brother from himself. Now the guilt was Ryan’s, but there was no way to make up for it now.
The rooftop door opened behind him and men quickly ran out. Immediately they were at the boy’s side, pulling him away from the edge as if they thought he might jump as well. In all reality, he still wanted to, now more so than ever after being the reason for his brother’s death. But he also wanted to live, as it was Kayle’s last wish, the cause he had died for.
“I… I tried to stop him…” Ryan whispered, the tears falling down his cheeks. He couldn’t say anything else, couldn’t force other words from his lips. “I tried…”
~ ~ ~
“Kayle?” A groggy voice pushed through the rain’s music and into the young man’s mind. Jostled from his memories, he looked upward to find his lover quietly approaching, a hand pushing sleep-tossed hair from his face. “What are you doing up?”
“I… I had a nightmare… and couldn’t get back to sleep…”
“Again?” Quietly, the man approached and wrapped his arms about the smaller form, a look of concern overriding the previous sleepy look on his face. “Was it the one about Ryan?” His only response was a mere nod as the other took his gaze to the window again. Only the rain could mask his tears now, though they fell slowly.
“I wish… there had been more I could have done…”
“You did all you could, Kayle. It’s not your fault.” The youth remained silent, not wanting to admit his guilt. He had carried it for so long, hidden it from the world. It was his burden to bear.
“I can’t believe that, Bryan…” He whispered softly, looking back up to the man he had come to love since his brother’s death. The man that had stood by him faithfully since that day, despite his own suspicions and doubts. “I’ll always feel it was my fault.”
“You shouldn’t.” Bryan placed a gentle kiss on the young man’s lips, brushing dusky locks from his pale face. “The more you think about it, the worse it’ll hurt. You have to let it go. It’s been five years; would Ryan want you to still be beating yourself up over it?”
“No…”
“All right, then. Come to bed; you need sleep. We’ve got a big day tomorrow.” With one last kiss, Bryan left him to himself, heading back toward the bedroom they shared.
“I’m sorry, Kayle…” Ryan whispered softly as the house because quiet and still once more, his eyes turning back to the foggy window. “I’m sorry it took your sacrifice to save me…to show me what I could have.” Fingers gently touched the glassy surface and, for a moment, Ryan almost felt as if his brother was there with him, smiling back at him through the window. A tear streaked his cheek, and the young man quietly stood from his place on the windowsill. As he turned to return to his room, the memory of his brother’s last works echoed through his mind:
‘I’ll jump for you…’
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Bombay's Random Writings
Random randomness from the mind of a wierd little person.
That would be me.
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