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Hey everyone. I had some interesting times this past week or so. I guess alot goes on in such a short time. At least it seems to for me. Anways, things overall have been going good. My dad found out about my bad grades from last symester he was kinda mad at me but not as mad as I thought he would be. Luckily, he only asked me why I had such bad grades and I blamed it on the fact that it is only my first symester at college and stuff, which was kinda part of the reason. The other half was the fact that I was kinda bot going to class, for assorted reasons, friends, drama, ectera. Well there is one effect of the grades that is still present though, he keeps being paranoid about me spending time with my friends because he thinks the more time I spend with them the worse I must be doing in my classes or something like that. Well lately things between me and my boyfriend were going good but then I was starting to feel pressure on me to perform or something. Not because of him but because of my prior experiences and relationships with guys. Well, we did have this really sweet moment before all this ackwardness where he said some really sweet things to me. We were hanging out somewhere alone one day when my class was canceled and just enjoyed each others' presence. It was really cool because we couldn't find any time to be alone just the two of us with no one else around at all but we did, and it was on a college campus, can you believe that? Well, I had described somethings that I had said and that he had said and how we had made out, in a letter to one of my sisters. Well she showed my brother and probably my dad as well even though he said that he was just walking through and happened to see it. Well he read it at lets just say he wasn't too pleased at what she read. Well normally he might have hit me or at least scared the hell out of me but surprisingly he just sat down and talked with me and told me that he thinks I was going too fast and so on. Well I was kinda feeling that way too so I took my dad's advice and ened up talking with my bf about how I felt and told him that I wanted to slow things down. Well he totally understood. It was so great. We ened upu talking for hours. well gotta go.
 emeralddragnwingz · Wed Mar 02, 2005 @ 01:46am · 2 Comments |
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Well, if last week was a weird week, with alex and all, this week was definately a good one. biggrin heart *sigh* lol. Well anyways, at first my parents had no idea that Alex had slept over but then my mom remembered that she had never seen him leave so I got yelled at, but surprisingly enough it wasn't really bad, my dad just said no more guys can really come over, which is very resonable considering that I thought that he was going to totally flip out and maybe even acuse me of being a whore or something. Sometimes my dad can be really extreme and narrowminded in his judgements of me, or anything he has a set idea on for that matter. Anyways, Valentines was really great for me. My boyfriend has been especially sweet lately. He can be so romantic and I just absolutely love him. We had a good valentintes, we got to spend some quality time together and things are going really good for him right now so he is really happy which makes me happy as well. Plus yesterday he said something that really made me happy. But I'm not going to say what. Anyways he is also planning on taking me on a dte next week. It will be my first real date so I'm excited. Well thats all for now, I hope that you all are having good weeks as well. Best wishes. biggrin
emeralddragnwingz · Wed Feb 16, 2005 @ 08:19pm · 4 Comments |
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Today was a weird day, well actually it was a weird night. My friend Alex ened up coming over to hangout with me. It was pretty fun, we watched two movies and FLCL. The thing that was weird was that he ened up spending the night because his brother never came to pick him up and it was late at nigt (like 12pm) and I didn't have the heart to kick him out so I just decided that he could spend the night. The kinda weird thing was that my dad only came back to check on us once and that was when we were watching a movie and that was it. Usually he comes in later in the night to make sure that the person (if not a girl who is spending the night) has left, and if they haven't then he kicks them out right then. And not only that but he didn't even come to check in the morning to make sure he left because he didn't the night before. So I didn't want my parents to know that he spent the night because then I would get in big trouble so I had to sneak him out past my mom. My friend Lizzie came and helped to save my butt so I was so happy. But it was just weird. Anyways I think I need to talk to my bf, I need to know where he thinks we are in this relationship and other stuff. Today I felt kinda bad, I felt as if I didn't deserve him but thats partially my insecurity talking. I'm just so afraid that I'm going to screw things up between us. Well, have a good day. smile
emeralddragnwingz · Fri Feb 11, 2005 @ 04:37am · 4 Comments |
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I feel a little sad today, this week started out good, I woke up happy on Monday but I feel bad today. I feel sad about my boyfriend. I am kinda a needy person and I guess for some reason that I don't know I feel like I need him by my side, I feel kind of tired and like I need comfort so I turn towards him. He doesn't know that I feel this way, I didn't even know untill I tried to describe to you how I feel right now. But I want to be by him but I get kinda sad because I feel like maybe I'm wanting to be with him too much and that maybe he wants a little more time away from me than we have been lately. I don't know if he feels that way but I'm kinda too afraid to ask him even though he is very understanding and we have a relationship that is supposed to be based on good comunication. Not only that but I feel even a little more insecure by the fact that a lot of the relationships that I have been in I felt like I drove them away by being too needy or too emotional, which I hate about myself. I just want to be happy and I dson't understand why I feel that way right now. So basically I want to be with my boyfriend but I feel guilty taking up so much of his time and I'm afraid to tell him that I need him kind of. Well thats all for now. I hope you all have good weeks.
emeralddragnwingz · Wed Feb 09, 2005 @ 03:50am · 3 Comments |
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Well today was most deffinately a good day, I got to spend a some nice time with my boy friend. Its so cool just sitting with him. He's going through a bit of difficulty right now so I'm trying to be there for him as well as I can there isn't much that I can do in this situation though except be there for him. Luckily it isn't really serious, eventually he will find his way out of this situation, he's a smart guy. Plus I love his optimism even though he is going through hard times. Well I had some conerns earlier in the week but they all seemed to have gone away. I still get worried sometimes about weither or not I am making the right choices in my life. Like the other day I felt like me and my bf were going a bit fast even though at the time I was enjoying it (very bad of me *guilty smile*) . Anyways I talked to him about it and he understood. That is also something that I love about him, he cares about me alot and would not want to do anything to hurt me. I feel the same way about him. heart But today my friend alex was supposed to come over, I actually asked my dad if he could and my dad actually said yes, then my friend never even really shows up, or at least he left right before I got there. I was kinda looking forward to having him over so I wouldn't be alone at home and just to be able to hang out with someone and he was the one who wanted to come over because he has been going through a stressful time lately and then he stands me up! How about that logic? Well at least one very good thing is that my bf will be coming over this weekend, my dad actually agreed to that as well. Then he can meet my dad and we can hangout and we can watch 'Without a Paddle' which is soooooo hilarious. biggrin Well hope that everyone has a nice day.
emeralddragnwingz · Wed Feb 02, 2005 @ 11:47pm · 2 Comments |
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Hi, everyone out there, this is my first time with a journal and I hope that I will have enough to write, sometimes I guess I just need to write out my feelings. Like right now. I'm kinda going through somewhat of a difficult time. Life at home right now is kinda bad. I'm in college, my first year and I guess you could say I'm pretty pathetic because I still live with my parents (although technically I have a whole house to myself complete with living room, bath room, and kitchen with all amenities in it such as no stove or fridge of any kind, or any other electrical appliance, (forgive my spelling I usually know how to spell words but I often forget and will just spell it however I feel like spelling it,lol) Well its kinda like one of those 'As long as you live under my roof....' situations, and me being me I try to be respectful of my parents wishes and unconfrentational. Well I'm a pretty social person and I like being around people, I love just hangingout with my friends and my dad totally doesn't understand that. This is my second semester in college and because of my good friend Zach (who I met in high school my 11th grade yr) I have a couple of friends here, one of whom I am currently dating since last friday. I like to be here at school because at home I have nothing to do except read (I like reading but I have nothing more in my house to read) or draw, or clean. I basically have no one at home because no one who lives at home with me (being my parents and 2 step-sisters) even really come to vist or hangout with me and the only time I go up to the front house (their house) is basically to eat or talk on the phone because they don't really even care to spend time with me, or so it seems. Anways my dad (and mom) pretty much have control of me since I try to respect them, well thats where they problem is, (I'm 19 by the way and Christian and so is my family) my dad doesn't understand my need to be with people. I have been leaving the house a couple hours before my classes to spend time with my friends and just to get out of the house but my dad didn't know this. I can spend all day with my friends and not get tired of them but my dad doesn't understand that logic, he thinks a couple hours every day is alot. Maybe to other people it is but not to me. I am a people person and love talking and just socializing and hangingout, especially since I don't really feel wanted at home. My dad doesn't know that I feel that way but my logic is why stay cooped up in a place where nobody really needs or wants you and you are all alone anyways and have nothing to do? At the very least at school I could walk around or go to the libary. Anyways just last night he found out that I had been going to class early and spending hours at school with my friends. He told me that I could no longer go to school that early. On tuesdays and thursdays I can only go to school (I take the bus) at 4:30 so I can get to school at 5:30pm and my class starts at 6. I was used to leaving at 12:30 and getting there at 1:30, then just hangingout. Very early I know but I have nothing better to do. And on Mon. and Weds. I only have an hour before class, which I can live with better then half an hour. It just stresses me out because not only do miss out on hanging with my friends but he basically came out and said that he did not believe that I was coming to school to hangout with my friends and get out of the house but that it must be some other reason, like I was doing something wrong. Both he and my mom were like trying to get me to admit to doing something wrong. Then I had to tell them that I had a boy friend and that was one of the reasons why they thought I was leaving early, one of the more respectable reasons, which is kinda true, but even if he wasn't there or we were just friends I would still come that early. I really like spending time with him though. Being with him is like being in the most comfortable place in the world, its so peaceful, and calm and safe and happy there, we both never want to leave and often get sleepy around each other because it is so peaceful but we also talk and laugh, and of course kiss. It may not seem like a major thing what my dad did but it is to me because sometimes I feel like I'm trapped at home but I have nowhere to go and there is no one there anyways and its not like they care about me. I just realized recently why I don't and have practically never felt wanted at home. I realized that it is because my dad doesn't really care about me, all he ever really cared about when I was little was weither or not I was doing good. Thats how he rated, or checked, how I was doing in or with my life. If I wasn't getting good grades or something like that or wasn't doing chores then something was wrong. He never cared about me and how I felt or how things were in my life but only what I was doing. If I had good grades in school and appeared happy which I pulled off pretty well in school (except the grades) then there was nothing to worry about, everything must be going well in my life. But that logic is kinda backwards isn't it? Just because I'm am doing things well doesn't mean I'm not sad or confused, lonely, or need someone to talk to. It just doesn't make sense to me. Anyways, sorry this is so long, especially on my first post but I just had alot of feelings to get out because I am a very emotional person, I hate it and try to control it but I am. There is actually more that happened but that is a more involed story and I will probably tell you all that in later posts. Bye for now, I hope all of you have good days. wink heart
emeralddragnwingz · Fri Jan 28, 2005 @ 04:13am · 2 Comments |
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