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I beat myself for missing 2009 and 2010. Now I've missed another year. XD
So, 2013. The year of my brain change. I have a whole new frame of mind. My last entry I thought I was so grown up. And I was, that was the most grown up I had ever been up to that point. But I've grown more. I've learned we only live once. I can't dwell on the past. I have to make the most of what I have. Make the most of every situation. If I spend my life miserable.. I've wasted it. There is nothing wrong with getting upset every now and then. But you get it out, you move on. You don't think about all the miserable things, past or present.. or you will make yourself miserable.
A lot has happened. A whole lot.
I got to see my brothers again.. it had been something like 14 years since we were separated thanks to my dad. They are great. Micheal is so adorable and so smart. My older younger brother takes after our dad a lot. So much it kind of scares me. But I don't see the anger or the emptiness. I think he got the good parts of my dad, and they were both so lucky to have had a much better childhood than I did. I was angry their mom had hidden me from them. But I am more grateful than angry for her, because she loved them and treated them right.
Me and opolong (Scott) got back together. We did meet in real life. And it was amazing. He came here, and I got to go there. Scotland was so beautiful. I got to see so many things. Castles, sculptures, bright green pastures. I will always cherish those memories. Scott proposed to me... kind of. He gave me a promise ring.. and eventually it became my engagement ring. Another far from perfect engagement. Maybe this was a sign, but I did not see it. The distance, the money, the loneliness.. it got to be too much. I was trying very hard to set up the things we needed to be together. His part.. well. But I don't want to dwell on these things. I still care for him deeply, in fact I love him. But love is not always enough.
I met a guy.. Guerilla. Pete to those who like referring to birth names. Like opolong this was a chance encounter. He joined "my" Minecraft server. One of my friends was picking on him, and he was just about to leave the server as fast as he came. But I swooped in and wouldn't have any of it. I apologized for my friend and got him to stay. Eventually when I was at a very low point.. feeling unloved and alone.. he told me he liked me since that first day we met. Things with opolong just maybe weren't meant to be. Guerilla saved me. Things with my roommate got really bad. He ended up calling the cops and lying to them, telling them I assaulted him so he could get a restraining order and kick me out of my own apartment. It worked. He even told them I was a drug dealer... of course leaving out the part I was HIS drug dealer. Unlike him I am not a snitch. I kept my lips sealed about him, even when they cuffed me and sent me to jail. Upon release from jail I had nowhere to go, and nothing but the clothes on my back and the things my mom grabbed in a panic. I went to live with her, and Guerilla joined me. We couldn't stay long.. my mom is on government assistance. His dad agreed to let us come stay with him.. and that's it, all up to date. I'm in a new state, no enemies, clean slate.
Guerilla is the nicest guy I've ever been with. He genuinely wants my happiness. And when I feel bad.. which is pretty often these days, he takes care of me. Sometimes I wake up, my body hurting so bad I can barely walk. He offers to make me breakfast, and I don't mean cereal. Today he cooked me an egg, sausages, and grits. A man who can cook, and genuinely cares. He loves video games just as much as I do. He loves that green stuff as much as I do. He's got all those good qualities I've found in guys.. all wrapped up into one man. And I gotta tell you I get a kick out of our chosen names. We both have 8 letters in our names. We both also have the word ill... mine being backwards. I think about odd things like this. Do they mean anything? Probably not. But I like to think so.
Things aren't ideal at the moment. I don't like living in someone else's house. I don't like not contributing. I don't like having free time without feeling I earned it by going to work. But my mindset has changed. I will be happy here as long as I have to stay. And I am hopeful for the future.
 Spenelli · Thu Aug 08, 2013 @ 09:06pm · 4 Comments |
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So, I'm kind of disappointed in myself. I was supposed to have an entry each year, just once a year! But I completely skipped 2009 and 2010! What the hell did I do that for?
So much has happened in the time that has passed that things blend together and blur. But these past two years have been full of life-changing things, for the better and the worst. I'm going to recall what I can.
I guess I'll start with May 09. I turned 21, which was awesome. Matt proposed to me.. in a really crappy way, but we planned to get married nevertheless. It was fun going to bars and getting drunk. Me and Matt were living in GC. His parents lived there too, and Ryan and Felicia were always there. It was pretty miserable. Sonny barely made any money and Matt was always skipping out on going to work, so I payed most of the bills and supplied everyone with cigs and weed and everything else. May was okay and so was June. We were high a lot on Vyvanse and smoked a lot of weed all the time. July 2009 was bad for me. I found out my dad had died. It hit me hard. The worst part of it was that we hadn't talked in so long. I felt so much regret, and I still have some now though I know I can't change what happened. I was pretty depressed all the time. Then in October one of my best friends died. That was so much harder than losing my dad. I hadn't had time to get over him when Jed died. I fell worse into depression and it seemed like I had no comfort. I met a guy on the internet, he was really cool. Seemed to care about me like Matt didn't. I think he helped me a lot in my decision to leave. It was February of 2010, sometime after Valentines Day. I had bought Matt a poker set and in return I received nothing. When you've been with a guy for six years that can hurt. I felt like it just showed how much he didn't care. It was my house, but I didn't care anymore. Nobody wanted to leave, and it had to be me. My mom was diagnosed with cancer, and she thought she'd need some help. It was scary at first but then we found out it was pretty routine, all she had to do was get a hysterectomy. She really didn't need my help.. but I already had my way out. I asked my mom to stick to the story that she needed me to come stay with her. I didn't let anyone know I wouldn't be back. I had one last night with Matt. I hugged him and told him I loved him. I packed my things and left. It was the hardest thing I ever did. But it was also the best decision I've probably ever made. Me and the guy I met on the internet started dating. Despite the fact that we couldn't be together in real life, he was a really great boyfriend. I spent a good amount of time talking with him and hanging out with my new bestie, Chris. One day at my mom's house he admitted to me that he was gay, and it just brought us together so much more. Well, shortly after moving in with my mom, my friend Christina calls me. She tells me her guy had been abusing her and the kids. I told her to come get me. I rented us a motel, and this is where the new chapter begins. We were getting high constantly, weed and K2. Everything is blurry. There were some really cool guys we met that were staying in the motel for a construction job. They were a lifesaver to me in the time I spent there. Christina decided to go back to Levi, like an idiot. I got stuck in the motel. My mom didn't seem to want me back and I had nowhere else to go. It was fun though, I hung out with Hanna and George most of the time that I wasn't talking or playing zOMG with Scott, my internet bf. We started talk of being together for real.. I got in deep and realized me going there was next to impossible, the only choice would be him coming here. He talked of leaving school.. and I realized how unreal the whole thing was. I couldn't let him come here and not finish school. And what if he didn't really come? It was just too much, and I let him go. In April I met a new guy, even though I really wasn't looking. I was drunk and we talked.. I couldn't remember so well what we had talked about. All I knew was that I wanted him. He would drive from Kansas, over an hour drive to see me. He made me feel so great, we had so much fun together. His mom didn't understand my situation. I went to meet her and I explained. She didn't want me to have to do that, and now that the guys who had kept me company were gone, the motel was miserable for me most of the time. She suggested I come stay with her and Jason decided to come too. He wanted to live with me! We saved up money and got our own apartment. We started dating in April and moved in our own place July. We moved so fast.. but I love him so much. The way things happened seems strange to some, but it worked out just great. Recently I also got to talk to my brothers. They are both on Facebook, and it's so cool getting to see pictures of them and talk with them. This Dec I got to send them Christmas presents for the first time and we are talking about seeing each other. It's been about 13 years since I've seen them.. so this is a big deal. I'm just so happy about it. I have a great guy, our own place, a great job.. and I'm the happiest I've ever been. No more stress, no more feeling used. I think this is going to be the best year yet, and life only seems to be getting better for me!!
Spenelli · Wed Jan 12, 2011 @ 02:01am · 0 Comments |
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Lol, ROTF.
I have posted one journal entry each year I've been on Gaia.
Well, my new, real-life quest........
I'm legally changing my last name to Spenelli. It's been my alias since I was 15. And how sweet it will be to not feel like I'm commiting fraud when I get mail by that name.
Oh, wait, that is fraud.
Also I'm getting a tat soon.
I'll post a new journal entry next year, haha.
Spenelli · Mon Jul 09, 2007 @ 08:34am · 0 Comments |
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I havent written in here for a long time. I dont see the point, but I have some time to spare while downloading flash. Well, school has been better, but when I get in trouble its always somethin big. I just got kicked out for 5 days. I called the superintendent a "fu**ing ***hole"....you know what that means. But I won homecoming queen, so I think its funny. Ok, I got flash now. well, peace out.
Spenelli · Tue Jan 31, 2006 @ 07:41pm · 0 Comments |
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Today is boring. All my days are boring, especially now. I have no boyfriend now. And my best friend moved. She's not that far away but I don't have a car, so yeah. And I have no friends in this stupid town. Well, school is almost over, so it wil be......even more boring. I can't wait untill my b-day to get the Excel Saga box set. And I might get the money to go to rock fest. Well, nothing more to say.
Spenelli · Mon May 09, 2005 @ 10:06pm · 0 Comments |
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Is anybody gonna read this, I wonder? stare ....Hmm. Well I am in Art class. Yup. These days I don't do too much. I just wait for the weekend. I basically just sit around on weekdays. Now that I think about it, What do I do?? I don't watch tv. I read random things I pick up. Like, the Wal-Mart ads, or some story I wrote a million years ago. I play pokemon sometimes. Ahhh...I don't care if it's geeky or out of style. It's accually not like me. My bf plays it too, but never admitted it untill I told him I did. When they make fun of the geeks playing Pokemon, I say, Hey I play it too. And everyone just stares at me for a minute. eek Probaly since I was all gothed out for 2 years. twisted Now I just wear like....my pink old navy sweater one day and my black one with a spider the next. This is how everyone likes me. I'm not one steryotype or anything. Steryotypes are bull, but you must admit, they are usually true. My bf is labeled a dropout. I call him a loser, but not cause he has no friends. He has lots. It's cause he dosen't even have a permit and he's 17. ^.^ He is obsessed with music. He is a really fast rapper. He raps along with Tech Nine and hardly messes up. Then he sings the cutesty Blink 182 "Miss You" song. Only if I make him. He is not very romantic, but what the hell. He also sings to Slipknot. I love their "she means everything to me...." that song. 4laugh It's really cool. Matt is versaitle, like me. Or however that's spelled. The bad thing is, I like to party more than he does. sad He hates socialising even though everyone loves him. Well, I do need to wrap this up. I'll try to put part of my story in here later.
Spenelli · Tue Nov 09, 2004 @ 04:02pm · 0 Comments |
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