Well its been a while since I've had any desire to touch this journal.
A while as in years. Its obviously only here for personal use at this point, I'm not sure but I'm fairly positive I have this set to private. even if I don't, nobody reads it anyway; of that I am certain.
I've grown dramatically since those posts, in both positive ways and negative. Sadly I was more myself back in those days then I could ever hope to be now. Those little emoticons and facial expressions- god I used to adore them, I thought they were so cute and cool. Now I wouldn't be caught DEAD with them, at least not outside of gaia. Gaia itself has been a guilty pleasure for 4 years now, I have refused to tell a single soul of its existence or my involvement; the crowd I run with has no idea what this site is and I will keep it that way. I used to wish I wouldn't be so ashamed of it, but I am, as with my enjoyment of manga & anime. I've been forcing myself to outgrow it as the years have gone on; sadly I value social acceptance FAR above personal enjoyment. Nonetheless, gaia is an unfortunate part of my life. As much and as many times as I have tried to leave it, I have found myself crawling right back, desperately craving a roleplay. Luckily I have gotten over the whole pixelated gold & item craze, and while I have 3.7 mil sitting untouched on a mule (not a very large sum, honestly, considering the inflation) I don't care to spend it. I am only here to write, and in all honestly rokeplaying has provided me with a creative and intellectual outlet I am still not ready to part with. I don't know why I'm writing all this, maybe because I just feel like typing it rather than just silently thinking about it.
Moving right along, I'm oddly depressed at the lack of friendliness in some gaians, as well as an abrupt and deeply unexpected lack of interest. To address my first point: I recently joined a roleplay of which I will not name. I was really tremendously excited about it, albeit a little nervous, for I usually tend to avoid rps of that genre and layout. But I went for it anyway, and I decided to make use of it as a way to further improve my writing, and perhaps make a few more friends online in the process. Its not that I really need friends here, I don't particularly care, but its absolutely not unheard of for members of a roleplay to associate on friendly terms with one another, at least when there is an ooc thread provided. And yet I have gone out of my way to be friendly, open, and inviting to the other members, and I have not received even the slightest bit of warmth from any of the members in return. Granted the roleplay is still in its early stages, but I find myself met with blatant ignorance in terms of camaraderie, which makes adjusting to the the rp all the much harder. I hope that as time passes and the roleplay [hopefully] progresses through its early stages, the rest of the members will be a little more welcoming to me and not ignore my presence in the ooc. It just makes it more fun, I guess, for me, when I know I can log on and have a nice conversations with my fellow roleplayers as I await responses or craft my own; it saddens me to know that I may not have that opportunity even when I am treading in unfamiliar territory. And, as murphey's law would have it, I am of course in the worst possible position right now; rather, my character is, but I will not delve further into this for now unless the problem persists.
To address my second issue, that is- the abrupt lack of interest, I have come to be incredibly surprised by the lack of response I am receiving in the barton ooc. I have always perceived gaians, at least since my beginnings here in 2006, as preoccupied with fantasy and such, hence the many 'magical' fantasy roleplays in barton town. And yet, dragons, the pinnacle of fantasy and magic, are barely anywhere to be found. I was presented with an utterly fantastic advlit roleplay just today, but its spots are almost all filled but the position of a male. I know this shows obvious weakness in my roleplaying abilities, and many experienced roleplayers look down on the statement I am about to make, but if I am to be honest- at least in my own little patch of webspace- I am not particularly fond of playing males. It is not that I can't. because I most certainly can and in some roleplays am more than happy too, but it is just that my comfort zone lands mostly on the female gender. Obvious excuses are that I am female and thus it is easier for me to write as one, but to be blunt I'm often just not in the mood for the challenge of roleplaying as a male. I am rambling and on an entirely different point now; but i digress and return to my main topic of disinterest. I have had a particular lust for a dragon/dragon rider roleplay ever since I completed the first three novels of the Temeraire series, and have been clawing through Barton Town in search of one I might enjoy. I was unable to find any, and decided to make a searching thread in the ooc subforum, hoping that fellow roleplayers interested in fantasy/dragons/war may come and help me in my quest to either find or create a fun and long-lasting dragon roleplay. I was promptly answered with nothing but my own posts for a solid 5 pages now, with the exception of the link to the lovely but mostly filled rp I mentioned earlier. Granted I am quite impatient, but the fact that I have not received a SINGLE post of interest is incredibly disheartening to say the least. I suppose I will have to console myself for the time being by indulging in the other rp I am in involved in (which, at the moment, is at a complete standstill;even when it progresses it will still be halted for my character until one more person joins) and reading the fourth novel of Temeraire- a series, by the way, I wholeheartedly recommend.
Well I am satisfied now having gotten that all off my chest, and I don't give two shits about editing it, so I won't. Let my inner useless ranting shine in all of its imperfect and flawed glory.
Ciao
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L0veIy
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