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well right now i am th most confused with life i am so confised i just dont know what to do any more school is so hard and my grades just dont seem to improve its just they ask so much of me they ask me to d stuff i cannot do i try and try my best but i just cant i am horrible at math and chemistry and i say that if life had no numbers and nly words i would suceed at the top of the list but its just those gosh darned stupid numbers that mes me up and i just cant deal i had a nervous breakdown tuesday i had to finish two chapers f a nights tail which is only a tiny part of this cantaberry book in my engish class i am good in english i am in english IV(4) but any how i ad a break down becouse this dude (one of the main characters) arcita dies after fighting this long battle he dies riding to the one he won in bettle (emily) blah blah the hourse went crazy and threw him off he konked his head and the saddle fell o his chest and caved it in and that ade me think about death and people dying and what was i going to do with my ife and what happens after you die and it me think about the futer and me dying and my parents dying and it makes me think WHAT IF what if ther is no heaven yes i do believe in God he is my lord and savior i do believe there is a heaven but sometimes when i just get down and out i think i sit there alone(i hate being alone it depressess me) i cry and feel like im fixing to ie and i cant stop crying i listen to music trying to block out the thoughts but the music mostly makes me think of itmore no matter what it is it makes it worse so i ended up calling kei whom didnt pick up i felt bad for wanting to call him crying but i really needed some one to talk to so after i hang up i sit there and cry for like 3 minutes more o i forgot to mention that i actually (this time) did go to my parents but they where in the shower so they didnt hear me knock) so once again i cried in fear alone i really hate beilng alone it hurts so much inside o after i hung up on kei and calmed a bit i called jean he picked up right off the bat he KNEW something was wrong its funny how well he knows me and how my most reent ones do T^T i feel like crying right now im so scared i need some one to take scare of me i am lost i hate life but im scared of death so i sit here scared of living and more scared of dying i miss being younge and joking about these types of things i miss my youthfull inocence i miss not being scared of anything hardly i miss being free of trubles and worries i miss not haing to worry i miss not knowing all the pain the world could bring i miss everyone getting along and loving one another i miss being together and not being irritated i miss my past and i am terrified of my futer i dont want to grow old and die i dont want my parents ever to leve my side but i know that one day they will die i hate the fact that i worried them so muh in the past i hate the fact that i made such stupid mistakes in my life and acted like my parents did not understand what i was going through they did what was best for me and i se that nw and i appreciate it dearly i hate that one day i will be here without there guidance and support i hate that i cant stop thinking about these things i hate tht being alone does this to me i hate myself for being so week and feeble minded and the fact that i cant do things on my own i hate every tingi have ever done i regret everything i do i know its only partly true but its killin me i hate the fact im failing school i hate the fact that im fat i hate the fact that i cry at night i hate it so much i am so confused i am i think i might be slightly going crazy i might need to go to ental home no i just need some one to stay by my side and not hurt me and love me and care for me and ytake me for who i am i need some one to save me from myself i really do i feel like i would worry my sef to death over nothing i overexert my self i cant functin i put my sef down i... cant write this any more i feel depressed im done with this ... i just cant think like this
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