Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I dont deserve to be happy.
I'm evil b***h but i cover it up with a sugar coated mask
one with many crack people just can't seem to notice.
I'm selfish, stupid, ugly, and careless.
REady to explode all my anger and frustration on the first person who pisses me off
Even if they dont deserve it.
I feel like im tearing myself inside
Part of me wants to yell to the world about how i feel inside
the other is scared shitless by the thought of being abandoned
i dont want to be caged.
I don't want to be told its just a phase
ive felt like this since i can remember
but i lived my life for everyone around me
when everything began to fall apart
that died in me.
I began to forget about myself at home and worry about family
while at school i did what i wanted to
i didnt care about anything
I said and did what i felt like
I was sick and twisted and hurt
so i took it out at school, the only place i could
things got complicated at home and i had to be strong,
i couldn't fall apart because i needed to be there for everyone
My brother when he ran away
My cousin with his illness
My cousins with their sadness
My mom with her stress
My dad with his overly careless attitude
Everything came out at once
and i could nothing but smile and try to lift everyone's spirit
i had to be the same for them,
i couldn't change, be affected, in my weakness
things became worse...
and when i went to a new school
i ruined the perfect friendship
Because i was afraid of things fall apart at school
i wanted everyone to be happy at school
and in the end i ruined it with one blow
it was like quicksand
anything i did only made it worse
Then i lost My best friend, who refuses to look or talk to me
she had every right to hate me
i was wrong she was right
i can't change whats happened no matter how much i want to
and im so angry with myself and sad at the same time
i drifted away from my friends and made new ones
now im stuck and there are only two people in the world who know my deepest secret
but i want to scream it out loud
im afraid and angry that im this way
i feel like im suffocating
and theres no one to turn to
i dont want anyone to know how i feel
yet here i am typing away
for the world to read
i just want to go back and fix all this
but i can't and now im about the best liar ever
it comes naturally
pretend your happy when you want to cry
laugh when you want to punch the wall
Act confused when you know exactly whats happening
I hate Pretenses and i hate that my life is mostly that a pretense
like ill morph into who you want and need me to be...
So i cry, unable to dig myself out of this whole
unable to remove the mask
afraid to make a move, afraid to speak