Gah. I don't know what I'm doing on Gaia, ranting like this.
I don't know what I'm doing on Gaia, period.
I thought I was done with this site forever. I'm 20, and I hardly like anime anymore anyways.
But I came to get rid of everything... and ended up getting hooked here, instead.
I like knowing people read what I write, even if it's just boring things, like advice on how to use oil pastels. I like feeling like I'm heard.
I'm not exactly noticed much in real life, right now. I've made some poor choices with friendships, and have lost or destroyed all of them, and I think I've finally exhausted all the acquaintance-type friends I have for all the emotional attatchment they're willing to invest.
I'm pretty much alone now.
It's not as scary as it used to be, loneliness, but sometimes, in the quiet darkness, I can feel the weight of it as strong as ever.
It used to be in these moments I'd turn to God... but I'm afraid to go to Him anymore. I'm afraid if I try to find God in my mess of a life right now, I'll slip back into my old life too easily...
See, I'm realizing that I have some differences with my church... and there's been a lot of people there who have been hurting me for a long time. Not intentionally, maybe, maybe more out of neglect than malice, but I just don't want to be around that anymore.
I also wonder about how I see God... I mean, my perspective of him hasn't changed a whole lot throughout the course of my life, which is strange, because everything else has. It makes me wonder, am I seeing Him right? Or am I just looking at Him as being a certain way because it's the way I've always seen Him?
So I'm stepping back, and trying to distance myself from everything, a little... just trying to get a new perspective.
But part of me is afraid of losing my faith. I don't really believe I will... but maybe, if I stray too far, I'll change too much. I'll get too caught up in things...
But if I stay here I'm going to kill my self. Not physically, but I'll be killing my self - my individuality, my being... the person I am.
Because, I'm really amazing. I'm not being arrogant, I'm just saying... I'm an unusual and pretty cool person. I have a lot of intelligence, and some pretty different ideas and opinions. But where I am, no one appreciates that. People always want me to relate to them in ways I'm clueless about - and so all they see is the awkward or quiet parts of me.
I don't want to sit through being awkward and silent all the time solely for the sake of companionship. I want to set the standards - make them relate to me. I want to show the confidence and leadership I know is there - I want to talk about things I think matter, and set the standard for a relationship for once.
I'm tired of being seen as bland and unexpressive simply because I'm bored with everyone I meet.
I'm tired of putting myself down because I can't relate to people. I want to meet fascinating, exciting people, and I want them to think I am fascinating and exciting as well. Because I know I can be... I just haven't found anyone who's bothered finding that part of me.
Eliana Community Member 
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