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This serious topic was also posted in LI...but no one responded haha. And I need to record it for myself at the very least.

I used to get fleeting interests in people, or long-term crushes that, if they ended, I could get over, etc.Recently, my best friend of two years, and a friend of three or four, asked me out. She is a very emotionally introverted person normally, which I am all right with. She usually gets bored with people at a very rapid pace, mostly b/c she is a very intellectual person, but also because she finds it hard to truly attach to people given her personality. She is very rational as well, and can be blunt and forward, but is still a very kind individual at heart. I am a very laid back person, generally interested in everything life has to offer, and always a loyal person to those who have earned it. I am more emotional, though it is a double-edged blade, but it still is one of my most redeeming qualities.
We've been dating for a while, but I already can tell that to me, this relationship is something very serious. It's not just a simple crush, it's something much deeper than that to me. I am comfortable with her on such a deep level, and she always sparks me to life. I am never bored with what she has to say, and even if we are doing our own thing around each other, I am content, or more content, as it were, just because it is with her.
However, we had to separate (distance-wise) recently, and will be for quite some time, due to my still being in college, and her having graduated and acquiring a job to pay off her loans. It was once we were separated that I felt more and more just how serious I am about her, as I have never been so inwardly distraught over distance.
This distance has also brought many questions to my mind. These things are topics I know I should not be worrying about quite yet, but they are still all bothering me as they are all intertwined.

The first of these issues is that, even though she says she is happy with me, I am paranoid about boring her. I wouldn't describe myself as a boring person in the least. If someone begins a conversation, even if I know nothing about the topic, I can find ways to engage myself in it and make it flow. I am not a conversation starter as much, which is where part of this irrational fear stems from. Another part of this fear is our differences. They have never caused us any major problems, but she is more of an intellectual person, and due to injuries cannot be as physically active. I am a person who likes anime and video games, however, I have MANY other interests, such as science and the like. We've talked about all of it, but since my major hobbies were/are, to a point, still anime/games along with my other hobbies, I am constantly worried about her feeling I am too intellectually or entertainment wise inferior for her needs, though she has never has a problem with this before.
The second issue leads off of this. I began thinking about the prospect of living with her, as we have talked about tentative plans to move into an apartment together. It made me begin to wonder about passion, and attraction, and how it comes and goes in relationships. I have another irrational fear, that only sprung up for the first time with her, after we parted from college. I feel for some odd reason that if there are moments of silence between us...and I do mean moments...that I am somehow failing at being either entertaining, or a good lover. I always see people talking, but we have been talking for years, and so many topics have come and gone. As I mentioned before, when a conversation is started I can always uphold it, but starting them is not necessarily my strong point, especially about things she might prefer to discuss. Usually we end up chatting a few hours a day, but much of it is about how our lives have been going for the day. This made me think about what would happen if we moved in. Would she still love me, and be attracted to me, and livened by me, even if we saw each other every day? The passion might fade, and yes we could re-kindle it, but what truly keeps people together? I know that we aren't changing, but the amount of conversation might change. I noticed this in my parents.I am sure they talked nonstop the first year or so of dating and marriage, but after that, till now, they talk maybe an hour or so a day, plus whenever something comes up. I feel like this is bad, even though it is not. They get along fine, and I'm sure we would as well, but the idea of silence still bothers me for some reason- perhaps b/c she is usually easily bored and ergo leaves relationships. (In her history, only one out of her numerous partners lasted over one year- he, however, lasted four)

These seem to be my two most resounding issues, and they are in a way one in the same.It disturbs me how much I am upset over this at times- I can be fine for days, and then terrible for a few. Note that I do have depression and will soon be taking anti-depressions to remedy this. Still, I feel like the fear will remain. Right now, all I want is to be fully happy with her, because I know I find myself lucky to be with her.
I'm tired of feeling like I need to meet a quota to keep people close- a speech per day quota, or how exciting the topics must be.

Yea...this has been a fully traumatic evening.

It started yesterday. All day my girlfriend and I had been chatting, and out of nowhere, she randomly admitted to me how lonely, sad, and needy she felt. She thought it was a moment, but it didn't pass. Turned out she just truly missed me, and was, for once, actually admitting it.

It'd be good to note at this point that she is an Aquarius, and is very emotionally introverted.

From there, we played some WoW together, because that's really the only way we have to be "physically" close and do something with our more boring summer lives, and the fact that we cannot drive to see each other despite only being 3 hours apart. We didn't get everything done that we wanted to (we were doing daily quests together), so we planned to do them that evening after my Japanese class.

I couldn't stop thinking about her throughout my entire three to four class. Little things kept making my mind wander now and then, and she'd come up. I was so excited to spend time with her, that I (stupidly) sped home, on all backroads, not really giving a rat's tail about the speed limits and whatnot. It wasn't TOO bad speeding, but it was speeding.

I got home, and IMed her immediately as I promised I would. No response for ten minutes. I assumed she was busy talking to Vijay, her best guyfriend, since he was online. When she finally IMed me, she talked about how annoyed she was at our guild master on that server, for taking some suggestions we made completely nonchalantly. e wasn't serious about it at all.

She wasn't on WoW as I logged on while reading the chat she sent me so show his ignorance. I began cleaning up the guild as I'd said I would to guildies earlier that day. I got a random invite to Karazhan (a 10 man raid), from a friend, saying that they wanted me to heal, just to try Prince one more time, before giving up. I pointed out that A) I'd be leaving as soon as my g/f was ready to do what we planned, and B), I didn't even have the gear for one boss, as my healing skill was low. She said it was cool, to come anyway, they just didn't want to give up, and didn't mind wiping one or two more times. I agreed on the condition that when I wanted to leave I could, without getting backlash (like bad rep or slander from them b/c I left).

I'm doing this to waste time while waiting for her to mention questing, or say she's ready, as I assume she's still talking to Vijay or whatnot. She logs onto the game, and in IMs asks me what I'm doing in Karazhan. I say, just trying Prince, but I don't really know. Only him, and if I die, I'm gone. I foolishly forget to mention that I'm waiting for her. Looking back, that would have probably saved me some grief.

She g quits as she had told me she was going to, but then logs off the game. In AIM, I'm still talking to her, but she randomly says "Hey I'm in a bad mood ttyl" and logs. Very uncharacteristic of her.

I give her ten minutes, call her, realizing she thinks I ditched her for a raid group. I manage to say "Are you gonna be ok?" as a check JUST IN CASE it wasn't me that upset her, and she says "yea, fine' and hangs up the phone on me.

I later send her an IM trying to clear up what happened, telling her that the group did not expect me to stay, let alone survive in the first place, and I was just wasting time and dawdling with them while I waited for her word to hearth to the major city and get going with dailies with her. I wasnt expecting an epic speech, mind you. Just something to show she was ready to quest, and not busy with other things.

It turns out that, in her eyes, I ditched her for pixels. Bailed on our plans. The plans I thought about all class, and sped home for, and waited for all evening.

I couldn't sleep after our fight, even though she accepted my apology, so she said- mostly b/c she said she wanted to be away from me. A drastic change from missing me if I do say so myself. I got back online at around 2 AM, to see that her away message said that more bad s**t had been added to the pile, and she was going to sleep over at Karus' house before she loses her mind.

Karus is like my rival. Even though she swears up and down she's not attracted to him, I really doubt it, although it could just be my lack of self worth talking. Point is...this means now he, who DOES like her, has heard bad things about me, most likely. No one ever seems to hear the good, because she's private when happy. But when she's mad, she rants. Not to EVERYONE, but to close friends. And unfortunately for me, most of them have crushes on her or are exes who still love her. So it's a lose lose situation.

I look like a pixel-addicted ogre. I feel like a jerk, but feel like maybe she shouldn't have over-reacted, or should have trusted my word more than that. After all, we've been good friends for almost three years, best friends for one or two, and dating for about six months, with little to no speed bumps. So for her to just...say I was full of crap...

I really, truly, am at a loss for what to do or say, or even think. Half of me thinks I'm a douchebag for screwing up. Half of me thinks I deserve more trust and that she over-reacted and then made my work equivalent to mud, unfairly so. Half of me wants to cal her tonight at some point if she hasn't called, and half just wants to say screw it, and let her call when she wants me around again.

As if we don't have enough against us....

I'm back, once again, although I don't know how often I'll actually be online.

A lot has changed, as the years have passed. This is true in both life, and in me.

Sometimes I'll need a place to get things out, so I suppose I'll jot it here, where few to none will read it, but I can get it out.

Either way, I'll post now and then, and hopefully will return to some of my forum-trolling mannerisms.

Thanks for having me, Gaia Online! Some good times have been had, are had, and will be had, here.

Waves of tests, waves of grades, waves of tutors, waves of IA sessions. It's actually not so bad, when you aren't a complete and total procrastinator...luckily in 3 minutes I head to a class that teaches you how to properly procrastinate (literally, none of that time management stuff). My teacher for Becoming a Master Student is hilarious. Ah, Cindy.
Had my Principles of Biology exam today. Midterms already...time flies here. It went pretty well, but it was frustrating since I knew I had known some answers but just couldn't remember for the life of me. Ah, well, the grade is curved to an 85% anyway.
Brought my Chemical Principles and Chemistry Lab grades up, too. Bs are excellent with these teachers, so, having B+s, I'm pretty happy. I was failing less than two weeks ago sweatdrop

Anything else?

Ah, yes. Now I remember.
The play, Les Belles Souers, was amazing! I was glad that I joined the scene shop- Sue and did about 85% of the lightwork for over 40 theatre lights in the coves (the sections up in the ceiling), and it looked amazing, as did the rest of the set. It was a delightfully tacky kitchen scene, with an off yellow base wall and pink with orange, purple, and exotc skeleton sangria pink polka dots and rings all around an upper rosy pink wall. I was surprised that though the play went through parent's weekend, it was chock full of...a simply AMAZING amoutn of cursing. Who knew Quebec in the 60s was full of foul mouths? So much cursing it could make a SAILOR blush.

Ode to Bingo! (great part- read Les Belles Souers just for it)

I think I'm finally back. The reason: I have college to keep me on Facebook (Julie Hlebik, look me up!) and therefore, when I check Facebook I'll check here. Hopefully, I can keep updating.

That being said, I made it to college! Oh my gosh, I am so excited! You know, some days I'd look back on this and regret, and I probably will, but not now.

Right now, I want to thank those who stuck me to it, and stuck with me through it. Even if you're not here or there with me....well, I really cherish you. Thank you for the times whe you helped me.

Cedar Crest College is excellent. My roommate is really boss. She's pretty chill too. Keh, I was worried. How foolish of me. Anyways, so, classes start Monday. I will definitely keep you posted on that.

PM me, comment to me, whatever it be. I want to talk to you all again! I miss you. *grin/wave*

I'm posting to let the few who check this journal know I am alive and kicking. No, I'm literally kicking. *kinda pissed about some school stuff*
Ya, but all that aside. I'll update again when I sort all the events of the summer up.

This year's theme was a World Tour theme. Naturally, this means uber food from all corners of ethnicity. ^^ We had Egg Rolls from China Inn, Pizza from Pizza Hut (Finally, not just Dominoes again!), some french foods and Italian meals like pastas and lasagnas...meals from Asia, America, South America, Europe...those places mainly. Food from everywhere, really. Sadly, even with all that food there, I didn't get around to eating ANY of it during the entire time span of the post prom party. It went from 10:30PM Friday to 6:00AM Saturday.....For me at least. I was the first person there, and really it started at 11:00-11:30 for everyone else. Especially prom-goers; it took them awhile to rush from prom to post prom.

Anyway, there was a lot of soda too. I lived off of Dr. Pepper (although it IS my favorite soda, so that's nothing new and I'm not complaining). As for other refreshments that aren't in the dinner category: they were abound. Pretzels, doughnuts, candies, cookies, pastries such as eclairs and cream puffs...all sorts of homebaked goodies in the Cafe de Paris, whree there was school-born live entertainment in the form of some darned talented students....popcorn, slushies, and of course, Rita's Water Ice, in cherry and mango flavors. I, of course, at LEAST got around to eating two Rita's Water Ices in mango flavor. Yum. So basically, the whole night, all I had was about 5 Dr. Peppers, two of 'em diet, and two mango water ices.

We had a ton of things that we could engage ourselves in. There was of course the warrior challenge, to start things off, that enlisted us to participate in several of the following fun activites and get through them with certain requirements. But that was seperate, as was the eating contest joined to it. Anyways, otherwise, we had a DJ (spinning requests constantly...either I wasn't around or holy crap they actually didn't play Hollaback Girl {This s**t's bananas; B-A-N-A-N-A-S]), two obstacle courses (ran 'em both) a Money Vault (only got one buck and two nice coupons because I didnt quite understand all the ways I was allowed to do go about grabbing the cash out of the air-blown vault) Sumo Wrestling (giant sumo wrestling costumes+ insane post promers= fun madness and anger management jumbo sized) human foozball (didnt have enough friends to play) jousting (once again, lack of friends, but damn it seems fun) bungee cord runs (I got pretty far and almost got farther until I tripped, fell on my a**, and skidded back, still on my a**, resulting in an clothes burn on it :/ ) Large Tricycle races around the school corridors without brakes (self explanatory+ mass scale destruction of several rows of lockers) a casino (with gambling and all sorts of card games) board games (chess+ checkers) a movie area that ran about 4 movies that night (including Pirates of the Carribean and Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark) A snack bar, a smaller cafe/ lounge, the cafeteria dining hall, the riviera (I have no clue what the heck that was) a magician/ balloon man (damn he had some huge flippin balloons..... eek ) a hallway with black lights and a glowy, seemingly radiated jungle theme displayed (my boobs glowed and seemed to multiply size wise because of my white T-shirt), Human Bowling (my god that seems painful in that metal bowling ball, but it's worth it) Human Hamster Balls (it's hilarious when you see people smacking into walls just like the hamsters do...it suddenly makes you feel sorry for laughing at the hamsters when they do it sweatdrop ), a sleeping area, and a few other things I'm forgetting....and then there was DDR, which I ruled over most of the night, taking on challenges...wow that was fun. Last year there was a mechanical bull as well as a few other fun to-dos that should be making a re-appearance at next years' post prom.

And that's basically the gist. I COULD go into further details on all the activites and amaze and excite you all with excellent and thrilling tales of mass destruction, mayhem and happiness....but I'll spare you since you seem to want me to so much. blaugh

Oh prizes! Laptops, Digital Cameras, Digital Movie Camcorders, TVs, plasma screens for computers and TVs, XBOXs, PSPs, iPOD Minis, iPOD shuffles, one home entertainment/ surround sound system, Playstation 2 redesigns, and cash prizes starting at $100 and ranging to $350. I have no idea what prize I won as a door prize on the bus, but I'll find out tomorrow. It probably wont be anything big, but...I can always hope. I was second in line for a digital camcorder....but obviously the first winner was there and willing to take it domokun I'm happy for all the winners though...about three winners were my close friends heart . My one friend Valerie told us even though she knew she wouldnt win, she wanted us to "scream real loud if I do so I dont feel like a douche". Well, she won the one thing she put all 10 of her prize chance slips into...a redesign PS2, the one console of the 3 mainstreams she didnt have (she owns and Gamecube and her sister, whos at college, left her XBOX behind). Naturally, we all stood up and screamed so loud that despite having attention for wining, she still felt like a douche. twisted
And that, as they say, is that.

EDIT: Anyone wanna be my date to prom next year? heart 4laugh

*smoke puffs, AWAY!* ninja

Sorry once again about my abscence. I prematurely forgot to add that I had a post prom to attend, D+D, and a few other things.
So I'm gonna post tonight about Post Prom....
In the meantime, my grades are all great except Art...we only had 3 sketches so far and I completely missed one, so that gave me a 65%.....way to be a stupid a*****e, self... evil

Sorry for not exactly posting a lot lately. The s**t's been up more than normal, and I was totally tweaking all week over my CPR Renewal problems and my birthday. Not to mention registration for Otakon 2005 xp I had to get that done.

So anyway, my birthday was a blast. I had most of my good friends present, save a few who couldn't make it/ mom wouldn't let come/ too far away to come. You know who you are wink
I haven't really gotten any gifts yet...well, I got 4, but they were all 20 dollar bills....so.... sweatdrop Don't ask what "cool gifts" I've gotten yet- thirteen people are telling me they owe me sweatdrop
Oh, and I did get 1.5k from two Gaia friends so far 3nodding *hugs them*
I got some really wicked birthday cards, though...most of them were pretty perverted, but that's what made them so cool. I should scan them and show em to you guys sometime.

Will you all rate my Tales of Symphonia/ other fanart /original art if I post it here, in my jounal? See, I just got done a few pieces, and I want to know what people think, people with no friend-biased opinions...and I trust all of you, so...my first piece will be a comission (sp scream ) of Sheena Fujibayashi and Colette Brunel from Tales of Symphonia. Yeah, it's yuri, but it isn't hentai. So, if I post it, will you people give me feedback?

......

Tell you what; if you do, and you like it, I'll try to do some comissions for you, or to draw your avvy. ^^; I was probably going to anyway, but...meh.