Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

So, it's time to hit a new milestone in my life... Are you ready?

I'm finally moving out! Just rented an apartment and started moving everything out. I'm so excited!

Making this short, because I'm at the library right now...

Nearly a year has passed since last I wrote in this thing. Only a year, but it feels like so much longer.

Many thanks to those who have stuck beside me. Many prayers to those walking their own path. My love goes out to you, whether we're a hands-length apart, or a thousand miles away. Always remember that I love you, no matter what may happen in our lives, no matter what changes we may go through, the mistakes we all will undoubtedly make, I just don't want my last words to be scornful ones. No matter what may happen in our lives, you were, you are, my friend. I will have your back, no matter what. I will help you walk your path, no matter what thorns may lie along the way. Push me over, shove me down, make your prints upon my back, I would only smile, because you are my friend.

Lord,

Please watch over us all as we go along in our lives. Please guide our decisions, and keep us safe during the trying times. Please help us to keep our eyes on You, Lord, where they need always to be. Without You, we are nothing. Please give us the strength to be better people for You.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen.

A lot has come to pass in this year. Overwhelming joy and terrible devastation. The greatest moment of my life, and some of the worst times in all of my years. I've lost friends. I've gained friends. I've also gained enemies. My trust has been toyed with many times, and I've had to make many decisions that have altered my life for good.

Eighteen years, and what do I have to show for it? Hopefully, it's a little girl emerging as a self-thinking woman, capable of making the decisions she needs to best suit her life and take her where she needs to be in life. We'll just have to see how she goes from here on out.

Things seem to be moving along, though I can't quite tell yet whether or not it's fast enough. Just trying to get over myself, over any fears or anxieties that I still possess. Trying to step into reality with a strong head on my shoulders.

Still trying to seperate the friends from the foes. I don't really have to work hard for that, though. The cream always rises to the top. I just have to lay low and let nature take its course.

Incubus - Pardon Me


Pardon me while I burst
Pardon me while I burst

A decade ago, I never thought I would be.
At twenty three on the verge of spontaneous combustion.
Woe-is-me
But I guess that it goes with the territory.
Anonymous landscape of never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear. I need you to see.
That I have had all I can take
And exploding seems like a definite possibility
To me

So Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and its people's mindless games

So Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same.

Not two days ago I was having a look in a book
And I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said I can relate
Cause lately I've been thinking of combustication as a welcomed
vacation from.
The burdens of the planet earth, like gravity, hypocrisy, and
the perils of being in 3-D
And thinking so much differently.

So Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and it's people's mindless games

Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same.
Never be the same...yeah.
Pardon me while I burst into flames.
Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.
So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and it's people's mindless games

So pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same.
Pardon me, never be the same. Yeah

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know about you, but I think that that song is so easy to relate to at times. You know what I'm talking about- when your whole entire life seems to have taken a turn for the worst, and you feel like you're driving straight off of a cliff to your doom.

I don't feel that way currently, but trust me, it comes and goes quite a bit. Sometimes you just start thinking to yourself, "What if this happened differently? How would my life be going right now?" But you can't think that way. There are no "what ifs" anymore... there just is.

Everyone in the house has been getting sick. And I mean everyone. It started with Josh and his girlfriend, Sarah. They were throwing up all through the night. That then went to Thackery, followed by Zach and Regan, then Mom. Ryan was next in line, and Bill was throwing up just two days later. I started to get a little sick yesterday, but, thankfully, it didn't develop into anything worse than a slight fever and stomach ache that I managed to sleep off. Hopefully it won't hit me again.

My dad hasn't gotten sick... well, not in that way. He's still dealing with the pains of diabetes and his lack of care for himself. He was hooked up to a catheter for a couple of days... he said that his kidneys were killing him. I don't know how much longer he has left in him... we'll just have to take things a day at a time and see what happens, I suppose.

Well, I figured I'd make a sequel to my previous entry, "Speak up!". Now that we're lifting the veil off of ourselves, why don't we express our true feelings (Thanks for the idea, Ash. Now I feel like a talk show host. Haha!). Feel free to speak your mind, whatever comes to mind.

I'm seventeen years old, going on eighteen in just a month. I can be a little shy at first very shy at first, and I have really nervous tendencies. I think my nervousness stems mainly from being afraid to express myself, maybe because of a fear I have of rejection, and my frustration that comes from holding my feelings in. But I'm not a puppet anymore. I'm hear to tell everyone how I feel, regardless of how stupid I may sound in the process. I can be very silly at times, depending on who I am hanging around.

People have a hard time placing just where I'm from. Although I've lived in the south all of my life (in fact, I've never once travelled northward), countless people say that I talk as though I am from Chicago or "the midwest". They stare in disbelief when I tell them otherwise. It makes for a good laugh, I think.

Although I clearly look my age, or so I think, many people at work believe that I have to be atleast twenty-one, as I act a lot more mature than the other employees my age. I hide most of my background from my co-workers, save for a couple of close friends there, because I feel that makes life a little easier to deal with. I am coming to terms with the fact that life works in mysterious ways, and that many things that have happened in this last year, I never for the life of me would have predicted. If someone had told me that I would be where I am today, I would have laughed. Wait... someone did tell me that, and I really did laugh. I mocked them.

I don't regret where I'm at now. I'm at a place where I'm a little more confident, a little less ignorant, a little more myself. I'm not afraid to tell someone that I love them, despite what the rest of the world may think of that person. Only I know who they truly are, and I love that person more than anyone could ever comprehend. My love runs deep, and I love unconditionally.

I've lost some friends on the path that I am taking, but I've not only kept the true friends, but gained some new ones along the way. I'm okay. I can make it if I continue with confidence.

I'm not like everyone else. In fact, I don't even write like everyone else. I can't even manage to hold a pencil like a normal human being. My fingers can't grasp the concept. Cardboard makes my skin crawl. Just the sound of it is enough to make me wince. I shudder just thinking about the feeling of it.

So maybe this is who I really am. Or atleast part of me. I'm still on the path to discovery. So just who are you?

No one else can speak for you. Don't be afraid to say what's on your mind. You're nobody's puppet anymore. Don't be afraid to let your emotions run over. Express yourself. Be yourself. Love yourself. You are you. Only you can change yourself, but no matter what, ultimately, you are still you. You know what you like and what you don't. You know what you think is important, and what's trivial. Stop living for someone and just start living. Set the goals you have for yourself and reach them. No one else can do those things for you.

Go out and enjoy your life, because it's the only one you have. Don't be afraid to get a little crazy sometimes. Don't be afraid to love someone unconditionally. Don't be afraid to let them love you back.

Take off the mask today. Step outside and just be yourself.

You can't just get your toes wet forever. Sometimes it's best to just throw some caution to the wind and dive in, head first. You never know what you'll find, but I think if you actually take some kind of chance, you'll find some more fulfillment in your life. So what if they rest of the world doesn't agree with your decision. This is your life to live. Sometimes you just need to find things out on your own. Maybe you're the only one who knows the real truth about what's going on. Maybe everyone else just chooses the easy way out, believing the lies that society tells them are true. I don't want to be like that. I'm tired of being ignorant and playing things safe. I know what I'm doing and I know sometimes that the risk is great, but I think the reward is greater.

Don't be discouraged. Only you know what is right for you, regardless of what the rest of the world thinks. So what if the world thinks you're stupid, and that you're diving into your life blindly- you know the truth.

Some people may talk trash about the decisions that you're making in your life, but that's for you to decide, not for them to judge. If you make a mistake, your life isn't going to be over. It's better to make a few mistakes in the path to your true happiness, then to play it safe and live your life in regret.

Sometimes I just wish the world would quit judging me and those around me. People who I would have liked to consider great friends have turned their backs once again, choosing to spread the lies and the hurt about the ones I care about the most. If you love me, you'll trust me to make the decisions that I feel are right in my life, no matter the cost.

Though, I suppose now is probably the best time to seperate the true friends from the rest...