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We've again reached this place. It's been awhile since i was here last, but it's hardly a place i don't recognize. No, i know this land very well.

Discontent. Dissatisfaction. Depression.

One day without Trebias and i find myself losing my connection with my happiness. Please don't get me started on that particular fish again. i am NOT codependent, this is a natural reaction when separated from loved ones. And when you are so fully connected with another person as this, then, yes, even a single day will start to get you down.

Of course, one of the pastors says that depression is often brought about by nothing more serious than a lack of sleep. Interesting, says i.

Part of this discontentment is my job and the fact that i'm still here. i know it's just another few days (the rest of this evening and Saturday officially, though it looks like i'm coming in for awhile on Tuesday), but it feels almost as though my spirit is beating itself against the cold bars of Terrible Responsibility. Please don't misunderstand. i'm not against responsibility, i'm against certain types of responsibility, the kinds that seem necessary but are actually killing bits of who you are as you perform them. This job has, sadly, become one such Terrible Responsibility.

Beyond that, i want to write. i want to draw. i desperately want to be artistic, but i'm trapped in this dead-end job with little energy leftover for anything, much less letting my creativity come free. Add to that the remaining injury to my arm and it feels nearly hopeless. i know it is not, but it's hard. It's hard to wear a brace nigh unto constantly because otherwise i will overwork it to the extremes again. And yet, even as i wear it, i'm causing other parts pain because i'm still using the hand and arm, even when i'm not supposed to, because i'm trapped in this Terrible job where i cannot lay down my Responsibilities even though they are trying to kill me.

There are certain places we should not venture, lest we die.

i refuse to die here. i refuse to lose the wonder and joy that are such a vibrant part of who i am because the people surrounding me have lost theirs. i shall overcome, and i shall write again.

i must believe, or i will fade away.

probably to be cross-posted to my lj. maybe.

Okay, so for the most part, i really love living in Japan. It's beautiful here, i'm finally learning the language, i love the culture, the atmosphere, the people. Pretty much everything.

Wot i don't like, however, is the fact that my family doesn't keep me updated on anything. All sorts of snot going on with my mom and i'm beyond finding out about it after the fact. It kills my heart and it ticks me off.

One of my sisters got really sick and no one bothered to tell me until after she was getting back out of the hospital. Apparently not only has my mom gone to the hospital, but she moved back to Houston and no one thought to mention it.

i haven't heard from most of my Stateside friends in forever, and they certainly don't keep my uptodate on their lives. Now, i'll admit i've been lax as of late in keeping people uptodate about us, but i have one e-mail account that i can use on the mailing list right now and, for some reason, my host won't let me access it through webmail. So the only times i could update are the few times i'm home. When i'm home i'm usually sleeping or walking the dog. And that's it. Tomorrow i have a day off (miracle of all miracles) and i'm hoping to do updates then.

But, sweetfreakin'snot, -i- haven't gone to the bloody hospital. If i had, you know i would have found a way to let my family know.

Gads, i just shouldn't even think about anything when i'm tired and alone. Freakin' worms.

enter: sera's rant.

literacy. wot is literacy? the state of being literate. and literate? the ability to read and write.

so, wot, exactly, is the definition of being able to read and write? i must argue that netspeak and even 1337 aren't included in the definition of literacy. it takes quite a bit to be able to understand them. *shrugs* perhaps it is just me.

now let's look at how sera writes here on gaia. please note the lack of capitalization. also, when i get into chat or my very informal mode, i tend to leave off the final punctuation.

does this, then, make me illiterate? has the lack of capitalization obscured the meaning of my words? no. i will admit that the lack of caps can make things a bit difficult to read when in a large block. this is why i break it up.

with punctuation AND line breaks.

'clear enough', you say? why, yes, i agree, thank you.

and yet, for some reason, i've been spoken down to numerous times today for how i write.

as though i've lost my ability to write simply because i don't use capitals at the beginning of my sentences!

see here: this began as a simple low self-esteem issue. i stopped capitalizing the word 'i' because i didn't feel i deserved the recognition and honour that capitalizing it deserved.

and since then, though my self-confidence has, indeed, recovered, i still prefer this 'lower' way of speaking about myself. perhaps it's false modesty, perhaps it's real moedesty; i don't know.

but from that has grown a habit of not capitalizing the first word of sentences. and yes i will caps in the middle if it is called for. such as city names and other people when they caps their names.

i won't stand for people implying or saying that i am not literate simply because i no longer follow all of the conventions of written speech.

i am not dropping or adding vowels all over the place. i'm not using numbers in place of letters. i have simply made a choice, for personal reasons, to type as i do in informal situations.

so let's consider how sera spells.

wot. colour. honour. favour.

i follow a British style of spelling. is this wrong? no. does it mean i cannot spell? no. it means that i follow a British style of spelling.

the next person to tell me i can't spell may very well find themselves on the receiving end of a series rant.

why?

because i pride myself in the fact that i can, indeed, SPELL. no insult to several of my friends, but i spend enough time playing real-life spell-checker that i think i know how to spell. go figure.


i -abhor- when people talk down to me, especially when they don't have reason to. i'm not some teenybopping ten year old who thinks the whole world revolves around me.

i'm a responsible adult, for all i may not want to be, and my intelligence level, i have to admit, is very high. i come from a very smart family. deal with it.

and i'm more than willing to take anyone on who would like to argue differently.

again and again, i will not stand to be spoken down to for no other reason than someone wants to make themselves feel better about themselves because they can't understand that not everyone wants to be like them.

i follow -my- rules, -my- code of honour, -my- standard of living.

if that involves spelling 'what' like 'wot', then so be it. it's not for you to judge me. i will be who i am despite wot anyone else things because i am proud of the person i've become. i may not be exactly where i want to be just yet, but i love who i am.

just because you don't have the backbone to be who you ought to be doesn't mean that i'll let you take your bitterness out on me. fight your inner struggle somewhere else; my terms don't include your pity party.

i think that term must have been developed by a 3 year old. "mom, my fish are ick!!" so when they go to the fishie vet, the mom says, "they have ick." and suddenly, a new term is born.

cats would never have a technical term like 'ick'. there's would be something like 'Involuntary Stress-Induced Colour Changes Not in the Least Affecting my Overall Greatness.' maybe that would be ISICCNLAOG. . . . . . <<;;;

dogs would probably call it 'itch'. whether or not it did. of course, they're always scratching anyway. hrms.

/that

i've decided i'm going to collect masks. any and all masks or anything that will keep my face covered up. i currently have:

- hockey mask
- the masque
- zorro mask

if anyone wants to help me in my quest, i'd appreciate it.