*sigh* I dont know... I honeslty dont know what to do. I'm at a loss with myself. I was thinking about it in the car today coming home from mildy. About if and when I get a job. I imagined myself.. working whereever.. and all the sudden the anxiety struck even in my mind... I saw myself running and screaming and generally acting schitzo, out in public just trying to get away from them all. Their eyes on me, rediculing me, LAUGHING.... I start to cry and hold myself close, my knees brought up tight against my chest, muttering..."Kill me now, kill me now I dont want to die I dont want to die kill me now take my life away from this..." All going around and around in my head like a mantra. It's like the voices are telling me I don't want to die... yet I dont want to exsist.
I'm screwed... nothing is working.. why am I even here?
It's not that I can't handle it... the fact of getting work and s**t... its the anxiety... it's keeping me so down in the ground that I'm so affriad when I have to go somewhere alone or face public.
I'm so affraid.. I'm scared... I cant do this.. I cant handle it on my own. I honestly cant go on anymore...
I can not even live with myself...
 Yami_Misty · Thu Aug 04, 2005 @ 03:06pm · 0 Comments |
