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For many reasons I am a very self-conscious person. All of those reasons have to do with lack of pride in myself. Not the kind of pride that would allow someone to feel better than another, but the kind that allows a person freedom with themselves. I figure that I have a lot to be proud of too. See, I am alive, for one. That means that I was MADE. Intentionally. It means I have a purpose, a raison d'etre. That reason is threefold. One, to be the image bearer of God; two, to love Him above all else because He knows us and loves us best -- better that all other humans, and certainly better than things in which we place our values; and three to love everyone else He made. How could I not be proud of all that? Simple: I am conceited. I value myself above those things. I value the nature of my life more than the reasons behind why I have it or what I am to do with it.
Chew on this: If life were about you, if your life that you live was solely for your benefit, then why are there other people? Furthermore, why would you have an appearance? Or communication?
This self-conscious problem leads me to be overtly stubborn about my opinion and moral convictions, have little or no confidence in myself being attractive to others (romantically and otherwise), and have a hard time being around people who don't want to hold themselves up (as in they rely solely on others for an opinion, deny responsibilities, ignore problems they could solve, etc.).
I am also a huge hypocrite. There are things that I go along with that I don't approve of, simply because the people around me are not having the reaction I would love to be having at that moment.
Based on that, I feel like I don't deserve to have pride in myself, because even though I am myself a majority of the time, I have those moments of shrinking back.
I know that other people have that problem too, but that doesn't affect me in this pride thing.
I am still too proud, in all of my lack of pride, to accept the fact that I am loved anyway. How embarrassing...
So how then, can I be all that I am? Well simple. I have confidence in the perfect love of my Father. And that confidence lets me be the cheeky kind of person who would write this. See, just because I can't cry doesn't mean I'm not human! Maybe I'm using this pride thing to compensate for that. Wouldn't you like to know?
 Karumei · Sat May 09, 2009 @ 06:42pm · 0 Comments |
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