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How to solve your problems

I woke up with a searing headache. I was under a table, with half a fruit basket on my head. My eyes were a bloodshot mess and my hat was little more than a white piece of floppy seaweed. This was pretty much how I woke up every Saturday morning. Friday nights with my crew were always fun. We played poker, trivia; pass the pineapple, rum drinking and best of all fruit fights!

I looked around the room. It was a tip. Cups were all over the place, bodies haphazardly strewn over the floor. There were quite a lot of stains on the walls and um… pretty much everywhere else to be honest.

It took me half an hour to clean up, I chose to leave the fruit stains. I’m not even sure the gunk on the walls could be classed as a stain. More like a cross between flattened cow excrement and what you find in a bin. Maybe I’d put a painting over it.

There was a knock at the door. I wonder who that could be...

A lone ship is sailing. It is lit up by the silver light of the moon, heading for Aimurai Island. It’s path unhindered. The sea as gentle as soft summer breeze, caresses the ship as it floats along. A single light can be seen from the cabin. A hushed conversation is taking place within.

“This is totally ridiculous Tom,”
“It’ll be fine, when we get to port, then we won’t have to worry about this anymore. If you’re that worried about it then we’ll get some help.”
“That’s all fine and dandy, but who would be crazy enough to do it?”
“I know just the people.”
“Who?”
“TIM, of course, they specialise in these kind of things...”

There was a person at the door. He was bright persimmon clothing with a black trim. It rather reminded me of a pumpkin. It was Jack. Why is he always so bloody early? Jack was the cop of my crew and my personal assistant. I opened the door and let him in.
“Morning Jack,” I said with a smile
“Hey Alb, I just came by to drop off my report.”
“Well come on then, don’t stand there all day,” leading him into the study.

I leafed through the reports, noticing that a new shipment was coming in today. I dumped the pieces of parchment on the table.
“No problems lately?”
“None at all. It’s been really quiet lately. Almost seems that nothing is wrong.”
“Sometimes Jack, I think you actually like work.” He looked blankly back at me.
“But I do, Alb,” I just laughed.
“Well, that makes one of us then mate.”

Suddenly, I could hear screaming from the other rooms. Hmmm. When people are screaming in terror it can only mean one thing. I smiled to myself.
“Looks like Ann’s back,” the look of horror on Jack’s face would have been comical, if it wasn’t 100 percent justifiable.

The door burst open.
“Hello boys,” I sat there, with an idiotic look on my face, drool pooling onto the table. She was a devil in white, with a dazzling smile on her face.
“Welcome back dear! How was the pillage?”
“Absolutely great.”
“Good,” I said smiling
“If you count good, as sharing 100,000 measly pieces of eight between the 7 of us.”
“Oh, well maybe you’ll do better next time,” being optimistic might make her feel better.
“Humph,” or maybe not. I decided to make a quick escape before I got my head bitten off by the grumpy dragon.
“Jack and I are going to go check on a new shipment.”
“Oh very well,” dismissing us with a wave.
“Come on Jack, work to do and what not,” Jack followed me quickly out the door.

“Oh Alb, before you go. Would you mind telling me why there are fruit stains on my lovely walls?” I slowly turned around. She was batting her eyelids at me.
“Oh umm,” You can’t lie to Ann, she’s like a bloodhound sniffs it out from a mile away.
“Well you see what happened was…”
“Yes?” she was looking expectantly at me
“I kind of had a party and things got out of hand?” She was frowning at me. Never a good sign. She took a slow deep breath. Her face contorted slightly.
“A party?”
“Yes dear.”
“Without me?!”
“Yes…”
“Ok, that’s fine,” she was smiling. Also usually a bad thing.
“You’re fine with that?”
“Of course, you make it sound like I’m going to get really angry with you.”
“Are you?” She stared at me.
“Well in that case...,” I dragged Jack out of the corridor and out the front door.

We both stood there panting.
“I hate it when I go to see Ann.”
“Why’s that then?” I looked at him, and carried on looking down. Ah... I tried not to laugh out loud. But I couldn’t help but smirk a bit.
“One day Jack we’ll find you a nice girl to settle down with,” he blushing crimson, going on beetroot.

As we walked down the path I noticed that the wooden sign marking our house was looking a bit worn.



The faint words:


The
Italian
Mafia

If you have a problem we’ll sort it, got an annoying girlfriend we’ll sort it, need a giant octopus slayed we’ll sort it.

I made a mental note to get a new one.

We made our way to the dock. There was every kind of ship imaginable; from the smallest of sloops; to the largest of grand war frigates and one or two of the newly discovered xebecs from the far East.

I pushed my way past the immense crowd of docktarters. With their bright-coloured outfits, idly chatting away the day. I was looking for a ship sailing with the name of Land Shark. At last I found it, right at the end of the dock. Why is it that you always find things in the last place you look?

A three masted war brig painted a dark green and coal black. Just then a squawking could be heard.
“Watch out! Watch out! Nemesis is about!” A black and blue feathered parrot was circling around our heads. A parrot that I recognised. I walked up the gangplank and up onto the ship’s main deck. No one was around, I gave a shout.
“Anyone here?”
“Down here!” came a cry from below. Normally I wouldn’t follow weird noises coming from a dark hole. But money was involved. I motioned for jack to go down first. Such a gentlemen aren’t I? I saw jack’s head disappear. I walked down the steps into the hold. It was pretty dark down here, except for the ball of light coming from one corner.

People tell you that when you’re dead or dying, to head towards the light. Lucky for me I fell into neither categories, well at least not yet. I headed towards the light. There we found other people huddled in a rough circle.

I smiled.
“Hello Nemesis.”
“Hello yourself,” she said with a grin. She was sporting an eye patch (probably from past battles); a golden shark tooth through one ear, a black dress and a red hilted cutlass along her waist.
“How’s things?”
“A bit quiet actually. I blame it on the economy.”
“Nem… you blame everything on the economy.”
“If there’s one thing I always say Alb,” I’d heard this a million times before.
“If there’s one certainty in the world, it’s this, one thing you can’t avoid is death and taxes. Except if you’re a Goddess.”
“Actually Nem, that’s what I came to see you about. I heard you’ve managed to smuggle some goods into port and past customs.”
“Alb, Alb, Alb, `smuggling‘ is such an ugly word, I prefer the term the use of certain gifts to get what I want.” I was getting impatient, the immortal have no sense of time.
“That’s all fine and dandy but, can I see the `merchandise‘now?” she motioned for me to follow her.
“Meet my four new interns, Apollo, Hera, Demeter and Thalia.” There was a handsome straw haired boy sitting on a crate, staring intently at a pineapple. A moody looking girl was counting coins near a large chest. While two other girls were sword fighting the length of the ship.

I’m looking after them for a few weeks and in return Zeus is going to give me some of my powers back.

As the Goddess of revenge, you can’t do your job without making a few people angry. Unfortunately for Nemesis, she stole from Zeus. Zeus fought Nemesis and won, stripping her of most of her powers.

“They’re good enough kids if a little spoilt. Apollo’s got his own chariot, harnessed by the power of the sun, a gift from his uncle Hephaestus of course. Thalia’s also pretty skilled with a cutlass. I mean she hasn’t decapitated anyone yet, but there’s always hope. I nodded in what I hoped was a knowing look.

“I agree, they look good enough kids. But now, down to business.” I called for Jack.
“Jack! Where are you?” Jack came over with some pieces of paper in hand. I looked over them.
“20 crates of pineapples and 50 crates of hemp. Yep, everything seems in order. Thank you Nem, what would I do without you.”
“You’re welcome Alb. I guess I’ll see you later.

We left the ship. I told jack that he could head home, and that I’d be with Ann if he wanted me. I walked through the narrow alleyways, hemmed in by the brightly painted buildings and houses. I quickly reached the path up to my house.
“Ann! I’m home!”
“And where exactly have you been? This letter arrived while you were gone.” I reached for the letter she was holding. It read:

Please meet us at the Gone Fish-inn at noon.

I sighed. More walking. A captain’s job is never done. I straightened my hat and left the house, shouting bye as I went. It had just started raining. Typical. I was glad I had my hat. A hat is a pirate’s best friend. Next to rum of course, nothing can beat rum.

I finally reached the inn. The hanging sign had a picture of a fish with a spear through it and the words The Gone Fish-inn below. I walked in. The inn was pretty empty, most of it’s usual inhabitants were probably still nursing their hangovers. I found an empty table. Whoever wanted to meet me, would find me. I’m a pretty well known character around here.

Two hooded men came and sat opposite me. They pulled their hoods down. They were both around 30 and had shaved hair.
“Allow us to introduce ourselves. My name is Owen and my friend here is Tom. We are both monks of the order of Poseidon.”
“My name is Albireo, is there something I can help you with?”
“As a matter of fact there is. The great god Poseidon’s trident was lost. He was fighting a sea monster that had been plaguing ships for months. His trident was lodged into the beast, and Poseidon unable to remove it. Without his trident Poseidon is almost powerless. So he has sent us to enlist your help to retrieve it. Would you be able to do that?” I smiled.
“Of course, we’re The Italian Mafia, we take care of problems.”

The rain lashed out at the deck. The wind making the ship sway from side to side. I took a firmer grip on the wheel. The moon shone down giving me a clearer view of the deck in front of me.
“I want three more of you to work those sails! If what those monks told me was right, we’re almost there,” I screamed at my crew, so they could hear me above the storm.
“Jack! I want those cannons filled as soon as possible!” Jack acknowledged with a nod of his head. I had a feeling we’d need them very soon.

Suddenly, a harsh shriek could be heard. A giant leviathan burst from the water. It was a giant octopus. I mean I’ve seen my fair share of giant monsters, but this one was a whole different story. Atleast 80ft tall and armed with tentacles on top of tentacles. There was a small golden object glistening at the very top of it’s head.
“Fire cannons!” cannon after cannon was fired at the beast, but it had little effect. In fact it only made it angry.

It attacked the ship and everything and anybody. It’s mass of tentacles wrapped round the ship’s mast, dragging us towards it.
“Quickly! Lower the anchor!” That should slow us down a bit.
“RAWWR!” one of it’s eyes had been hit by a lucky cannon. There was a loud popping sound as the octopus let go of the mast. It went back under water. For a moment there was no movement.

A large tentacle latched onto the deck. Followed by several more. It was back and much closer this time. Both sides of the ship were covered in a mass of tentacles. The crew fought to cut or shoot them off with sword and musket. But they hung on limpet like. Parts of the ship where starting to break off. Things looked desperate. We were about to be dragged under!

Just then I could hear shouting.
“Work harder you lazy scoundrels! Or you’ll get a taste of my stick!” It was Ann. She’d come to save us. If Ann and some giant octopus were in a fight and I had to bet who’d win. Ann would win every time, she’d reduce the octopus to tears. That’s if octopuses are actually able to cry. Ann was peppering it with cannons and harpoons whilst shouting out encouragement.
“Kill that thing all ready! I’m getting wet here!”

There was a terrible roar, and a lot of popping sounds. The octopus flayed in the air before making a big splash and sinking beneath the waves. There was a golden glow sinking with it. That was Poseidon’s problem now.

Ann was looking across at me expectantly. I nervously managed to mumble something, remotely alike to a greeting.
“Hey Ann…” She ran towards me. I looked up at her. She then slapped me.
“Don’t you ever do that again! I was so worried about you, not even a word of warning. Next thing I hear is that you’re going off to fight some giant octopus. You could have died!” she was babbling. So I kissed her.

She shut right up. I could heave kissed her all day, but we’re only human and still need to breath occasionally. The crew was cheering, much to Ann’s embarrassment.

There was a loud pounding at the door. Billions of blistering barnacles! I’d just killed a giant octopus last night! Couldn’t I get any rest?! The sun wasn’t even fully up yet. I left the comfort of a warm bed and Ann to go see who it bloody was. I looked through the door. It was Jack. It was early even for him!
“Alb, I’ve got a problem.”
“What is it,” I answered grumpily.
“Girlfriend trouble,” I slammed the door shut on him. It’ll sort itself out, doesn’t need my help. I scribbled a note and stuck it to the glass part of the door

The Italian Mafia:

We DON’T sort problems out,
We DON’T sort out annoying girlfriends and
We DEFINITELY DON’T slay giant octopuses!!!


I wrote this for a competition, it's based on a game i play. As you might have guessed i'm a captain of a pirate crew. I've been meaning to write a story about my friends and me on PP(Puzzle Pirates), and eventually there nagging wore me down and i created this. I hope you like it =]