A lovely anon gave me this story for Halloween... I seriously love this...
I've got a special gift for you!
From: An anonymous benefactor
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It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Buttermellows, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the tenth time it had happened. Feeling excessively puzzled, Buttermellows backhanded a wolverine, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before anyone could take off their pants, she realized that her beloved Bloody knife was missing! Immediately she called her bed-friend, JR. Buttermellows had known JR for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. JR was unique. She was charismatic though sometimes a little... selfish. Buttermellows called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
JR picked up to a very angry Buttermellows. JR calmly assured her that most South American hissing sloths yawn before mating, yet legless puppies usually flamboyantly yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Buttermellows. Why was JR trying to distract Buttermellows? Because she had snuck out from Buttermellows's with the bloody knife only nine days prior. It was a enticing little bloody knife... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Buttermellows got back to the subject at hand: her bloody knife. JR panicked. Relunctantly, JR invited her over, assuring her they'd find the bloody knife. Buttermellows grabbed her George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, JR realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the bloody knife and she had to do it deftly. She figured that if Buttermellows took the magic flying carpet, she had take at least three minutes before Buttermellows would get there. But if she took the Rainbow cloud? Then JR would be abundantly screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, JR was interrupted by six annoying Narwhals that were lured by her bloody knife. JR panicked; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling relieved, she randomly reached for her gerbil and randomly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Rainbow cloud rolling up. It was Buttermellows.
As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so she knew she was running late. With a heroic leap, Buttermellows was out of the Rainbow cloud and went charismatically jaunting toward JR's front door. Meanwhile inside, JR was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the bloody knife into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind her rhinocerus. JR was puzzled but at least the bloody knife was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' JR indiscriminately purred. With a mighty push, Buttermellows opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling noble genius in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' she lied. 'It's fine,' JR assured her. Buttermellows took a seat RIGHT next to where JR had hidden the bloody knife. JR sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Buttermellows was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, JR noticed a clueless look on Buttermellows's face. Buttermellows slowly opened her mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
JR felt a stabbing pain in her armpit when Buttermellows asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the bloody knife right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Buttermellows's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Buttermellows nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before JR could react, Buttermellows deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The bloody knife was plainly in view.
Buttermellows stared at JR for what what must've been nine millseconds. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, JR groped surreptitiously in Buttermellows's direction, clearly desperate. Buttermellows grabbed the bloody knife and bolted for the door. It was locked. JR let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Buttermellows,' she rebuked. JR always had been a little insensitive, so Buttermellows knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before JR did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at her or something. Giggling like schoolgirl, she gripped her bloody knife tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
JR looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Buttermellows. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Buttermellows. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. JR walked over to the window and looked down. Buttermellows was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Buttermellows was struggling to make her way through the foxy forest behind JR's place. Buttermellows had severely hurt her shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Narwhals suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the bloody knife. One by one they latched on to Buttermellows. Already weakened from her injury, Buttermellows yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Narwhals running off with her bloody knife.
About eleven hours later, Buttermellows awoke, her taint throbbing. It was dark and Buttermellows did not know where she was. Deep in the arid swamp, Buttermellows was barely lost. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, she remembered that her bloody knife was taken by the Narwhals. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, a little Narwhal emerged from the imaginery desert. It was the alpha Narwhal. Buttermellows opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the Narwhal sunk its teeth into Buttermellows's ear. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Buttermellows's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.
Less than eight miles away, JR was entombed by anguish over the loss of the bloody knife. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened dull pencil. With a skillful thrust, she buried it deeply into her love handle. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Buttermellows... wishing she had found the courage to tell her that she loved her. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the bloody knife that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Narwhals, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. ((-JR))
Buttermellows Community Member 
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