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Monster
I looked at my father in the pulsing light the TV provided. His face was like stone. He stared at the screen, but he didn’t see anything. He never did any more. I watched as he stood up and walked over to me, kissing my forehead, but it was an empty gesture. “Goodnight, Ash,” he whispered and left.
I rolled my eyes back towards the screen.
The clouds lolled lazily about in the blue sky. The sun shone strongly down. There was a slight breeze and the smell of dandelions drifted on it. The day was beautiful, but it was lost on the somber scene. People in black crowded around the hole that would soon hold my mother. They cried and carried on. I turned my head to look at the trees on the other side of the cemetery. They shook and waved peacefully.
The preacher began and I walked over to join the group. Everyone said their goodbyes. When the preacher called my turn, I shook my head. I had nothing to say.
They lowered her into the ground and began to shovel the dirt onto the coffin with a steady thump, thump, thump. Slowly, everyone left. Only one person remained and that was my father. I walked around the hole, my heart breaking at the sight of the destruction on his face.
I put my arm through his and slowly led him away. I felt strongly for him and what he was going through.
For her, I felt nothing.
That morning, it was another silent breakfast. There were no words. There hadn’t been since the accident. My father, sister, brother and I ate at the table like a family, but we didn’t talk like one. The accident had stripped us of that.
“You’re such a pain,” my mother scowled at the windshield, an ugly sneer pulling at her face.
“I’m sorry.” I stared out the window. There was nothing else to say; anything else would only upset her worse. I fought back the tears that were weighing down my eyes. My chest burned and my throat constricted with unspoken words and hidden emotions.
“It’s always something with you. ‘I need this. I need that. I have to do this.’”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get sick.”
“Sure,” she growled.
Why did she hate me so much? “You don’t have to drive me to the doctor’s. I can walk.”
“Well, I’m already driving, now aren’t I? I’m already wasting my time taking you there. I might as well finish the task,” she snapped, turning to glare at me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered again.
“No you aren’t,” she continued to spit hatred at me.
“Yes I a—“
In a split second I saw the truck as it smashed into the driver’s side. I also could have sworn I saw my mother glare at me for the last time, blaming me for yet another inconvenience to her.
I left the house with a feeling of relief. I inhaled the smell of the rain that had fallen during the night. My body felt cleared with that first breath. I was happy to be headed to school. Everyone at school had already moved on from my mother’s death. I was no longer the charity case of the week. I didn’t have to think about her at all there. School was my one escape.
I walked through the doors and right into the smiling face of my best friend, Melody.
“Ash!” she grinned and wrapped her arm around me as we walked.
“Hey Mel. Someone’s happy today.”
“Yes ma’am. I woke up feeling like a million dollars!”
“That’s good. You’ve been feeling pretty good all over since the accident actually. Maybe it’s the absence of a bad presence,” I said.
“You’re so vicious,” Mel hugged me close.
Mel had always had health troubles. She had a bad back that hurt all the time and made it hard for her to do things that everyone else had no problem with. For the past few weeks though, she’d been okay and that made me really happy. I wanted her to be better.
I was walking down the hallway when I heard someone call my name. I turned to find them and felt myself being knocked backwards onto the floor. My books scattered and the papers from my sketchbook followed suit.
“I’m so sorry!” I heard a deep voice and my heart stopped. It couldn’t be.
I lifted my head and my eyes met those of the most beautiful man on earth, in my opinion. Ayden Michaels. Oh my God. I’d been in love with Ayden for years and he’d never so much as looked at me. I drew pictures of him to lose myself within, and said pictures were now scattered around the hallway for his beautiful cinnamon brown eyes to see. I couldn’t breathe.
“Are you okay?” he asked and extended his hand to help me up.
“Yeah,” I squeaked and took his hand. It was huge and warm and strong. He pulled me up like I weighed two pounds instead of two-thousand. You see, I was an outcast for many reasons, and one of those was because I was ugly. I was heavy. Okay, no sugarcoating: I was fat. No one found me attractive and I didn’t blame them. But right now Ayden helped me up like I was a girl, not the monster that lived under your bed.
“I’m so sorry,” he repeated. “I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
My eyes were glued to his shoes. “I wasn’t either; I’m the one who should be sorry.”
“No, it was my fault,” he insisted. He bent over to grab one of my sketches. I realized with mounting horror that it was one of the ones of him.
“No!” I almost screamed. “I can get them!” I hurriedly tried to gather the incriminating evidence.
“Wait, these are really good,” he said.
“Please just give them back,” I almost pleaded, once again unable to take my eyes off the ground. Tears were welling up. This was so awful.
I felt a hand on my chin. “Hey,” he smiled, lifting my head. “These are good. And this one,” he motioned the one in his hand, “looks like me.”
I closed my eyes and nodded. What else could I do?
“Can I keep it?” he asked.
I opened my eyes and looked up at him. My eyes were all wet. I nodded again.
“Stop looking at me like I’m about to kick you or something,” he smiled. “I mean it. I like them. Are there any more?”
As I lay in bed that night I replayed the day again and again. There was no way this was real. Everything was going right in my life and that was just wrong. Mel was feeling better. Ayden talked to me like I was a human and liked my art. My mother wasn’t here to attack me every moment of the day.
I should have felt heartless for thinking that way, and maybe I was, but I didn’t care. My mother had never done anything but hate me. She’d abused me both physically and verbally. I was never good enough for her. I was always a nuisance. Now she wasn’t here to tell me how useless I was, and I’m sorry, but I was grateful for that.
A quiet but irritating and persistent beeping.
Something whooshing gently.
That was all I could hear
I could feel nothing but pain, but it was a dull pain.
A medicated pain
I couldn’t bring my body to move. I tried to open my eyes, but it was a forced process. I was finally able to lift my heavy lids and all I saw was white. It was blinding. I blinked trying to get used to it. Finally I was able to see well enough to realize that it was the ceiling.
I rolled my head to the side, more by the help of gravity than any effort I was able to employ.
Tubes.
And all was black again.
I woke up with a sharp intake of breath that burned like fire. My chest compressed rapidly and I could feel it squeezing my heart in an iron grasp. For some reason that dream had scared the life out of me. I was still having trouble forcing myself to breathe normally.
“Ashley Lynn Berryman!” Mel squealed at me. “I can’t believe you waited all this time to tell me that you talked with Ayden!”
“To be honest, I wasn’t sure it actually happened.”
She squealed again. Melody was rather easily excited. Okay, well, this was an exciting development in my life, so I could forgive her. I was fighting the urge to squeal myself.
The next few days went by without much of an occasion. I actually didn’t see Ayden at all in those days and that worried me. What if he had lied to me? What if he thought my drawings were actually really creepy?
“Hey,” I heard his voice.
I turned around, red already. “Hi.”
He started walking with me down the hall. “How’s life been?”
“Good I guess. Just living,” I said, staring off towards the lockers. I still couldn’t look directly at him.
“Yeah, me too. I was out of town with family for the past few days. It was pretty boring.”
That explained it.
“So, what are you up to this weekend?” he asked.
“Nothing really.”
“How would you feel about doing nothing with me?” he smiled.
I was shocked. I was so stupid to not have seen this coming, but then again, what kind of God was such a miracle worker to do this kind of thing for me?
“I would feel awesome,” I tried to sound cool, collected, and strong, but I came off sounding scared as usual. Great.
“So, how about we go to lunch this Saturday?”
“That would be awesome,” I whispered.
“I’ll leave you with her Mrs. Berryman.” I heard a male voice say.
“Thank you,” I heard my mother say with a fake sniffle in her voice.
The door opened and shut again and I could tell without even opening my eyes that I was alone with her. I heard the chair next to me screech as she pulled it back and sat down in it.
“You stupid brat,” she growled. “This dim-witted stunt of yours is going to cost me until the day I die. I’ll never pay off the debt!” I felt the hard, painful strike of her meaty fist on my arm. That was going to leave another bruise.
She continued to berate me as I slipped away.
Saturday arrived all too late and much too early at the same time. I’d spent the last few days anxiously awaiting it, but as soon as it was there, I had to resist the urge to throw up every few seconds. All of the typical teenage “what-ifs” were running through my brain at warp speed.
I carefully applied my makeup; black eyeliner, a bright leafy green eye shadow, and black mascara. I skipped the blush because I was sure I would be blushing the entire day anyway. I liked to think I was being practical. I pulled my long brown hair into a side bun and wrapped a small, delicate braid around the band. My bangs were swept to the side. I was going for a springy, windy look.
I put on a white sundress with a fading green flower pattern at the bottom. I slipped into a pair of green sandals with ribbons that wrapped around my calves and tied them in a bow. Finally I finished the look with a necklace with a charm of a beautiful jeweled daisy.
I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like giant green bowl of potpourri. I debated changing, but I’d look giant in anything, so what was the point?
I heard a knock on my door and jumped around in my room for a few moments. I needed to shake out the nervousness I supposed. Well, that, and I was so excited I wanted to run a marathon butt-naked in the rain to calm me down. At the same time, I wasn’t sure even that would work.
I finally opened the door and was once again stunned by Ayden’s absolute gorgeousness. The sun was filtering through his hair, showing the stunning red highlights in it. I looked at his eyes which were wide.
“Oh no, do I look bad?” I squeaked.
It took him a few seconds, “No! You look so absolutely dazzling! It took my breath away,” he reached his hand out to me but stopped halfway. “I love your shape, it’s so beautiful,” he said beginning to pull his hand back.
At that moment I got bold, surprising myself. I grabbed his hand and I placed it gently on my hip. “Thank you,” I whispered.
His grip tightened slightly on me and he stroked my hipbone with his thumb. My stomach fluttered. “You’re welcome,” he whispered back, looking into my eyes. He grabbed my hand and led me outside. His truck sat idling at the curb. He let go of my hand and rushed ahead of me to open the door.
“Your carriage awaits, my lady,” he said. He was back to his normal silly self.
“Thank you sir,” I said as I climbed into the beast.
This entire experience was running along like a cheesy teenage romance novel, but it felt so good to be the heroine for once.
“She seems to be getting worse, rather than better,” I heard a man say. “She keeps getting new bruises and cuts. I think maybe she thrashes in her sleep.”
“Oh dear,” I heard her say.
“I’m going to have the nurses bind her hands so that she can’t harm herself anymore. I can only hope she’ll wake up soon. Sometimes she shows slight signs of awareness, so I’m optimistic.”
“That’s so wonderful,” she said.
I woke up, shaking off my dreams. For once, the real world was so much more appealing. Yesterday had been fantastic. Ayden had actually set us up a picnic. We’d spent the entire day talking and getting close, and at the end of the day he actually invited me out for next Saturday. This was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me, regardless of the cliché this whole experience seemed to be. Who would have guessed that Ayden of all people would want to go out with a cow like me?
The days were getting better and better. Mel was still feeling great and her art was going to be featured in a show. Ayden and I went out more and more frequently until two weeks into it he asked me to go steady. My father seemed to be moving on. Things were going so well.
“Wake up you cow!” I heard her hiss at me. Her hand grabbed hold of my throat, pushing on my pulse. I was unable to breathe. I felt my body weakly struggling.
My eyes snapped open and I gasped as a weight was lifted from my throat. Blinding whiteness filled my vision. I tried to pull my arms up to block my eyes, but they were restrained. I pulled harder, scared now.
“Nurse!” I heard her scream.
I continued to struggle, a weak whimper escaping my mouth. What was going on? I heard footsteps rush into the room and a cool, calming hand was on my cheek. “Shh,” the hand owner cooed, “shh, it’s okay. You’re okay.”
My eyes adjusted and I saw a small, mouse faced nurse standing over me. I stopped thrashing, but my body stayed tense.
“She’s awake,” the woman yelled into the hallway and another pair of feet entered the room. I turned my head to see a doctor. He was tall and lean, old, with eyes like dirt.
The doctor and nurse took all of my vitals and released my bonds. I sat up, looking at my mother across the room. She wore a look of triumph. I raised my hand to my throat.
I was released a few days later. I had been in the hospital after the car crash. It hadn’t been me and my mother in that car; it had been my father and I. My father had died in the crash. At the news I felt my heart stop and my breath catch in my throat. The tears came soon after. The doctors tried to calm me with their fake soothing words and gentle hands. She put on her Mother face and joined in. It was all a lie. No one really cared.
I went back to school soon after. Melody was still hurting. She was still run down and exhausted. Her art wasn’t going to be in any show.
And Ayden? Ayden walked right past me in the hall. He didn’t even look my way.
I was sitting at the table with my mother and siblings, mulling over my situation like the depressed teenager that I was. I poked at my food. For once, I had no appetite. I felt a tear slide down my cheek and watched it spatter on my plate. Before I knew it I was sobbing.
“What’s wrong with you, idiot?” my mother sneered.
I couldn’t speak.
“Stop it!” she demanded. “Stop crying! It’s obnoxious. Go away if you’re going to do that.”
I couldn’t move.
“I said leave!” she yelled, standing up.
I continued to cry.
I felt her hand grasp my arm, hard.
“Quit!” she shook me. “You’re no good! All you do is cause trouble! You killed your father, you know. It’s your fault.”
I cried even harder.
My siblings said and did nothing.
I felt myself being dragged. “Go downstairs you worthless cow,” she spat.
I felt her release her grip on me, and then I felt impact after impact as the stairs and I became better acquaintances. I lay at the bottom, wishing I would just die.
I was in the hospital again. I had re-broken the ribs I’d hurt during the accident and I had reopened many of the wounds too. Scratch that. She had reopened the wounds. She had re-broken the ribs. She was the source of all my pain. I made up my mind right then.
Mel sat beside the bed in a chair. She was gently holding my hand. “I love you Mel, you know that, right?”
“Yes,” she squeezed my hand.
“I can’t take her anymore.”
“It will all be okay, I promise,” she said.
“No it won’t. That’s a lie and we both know it,” I said. And then I told her about my dream world. I wanted her to know everything. “I want to go home Mel.”
“You will soon Ash,” she said.
“No, not her home. I want to go back there. I don’t want to be here anymore.”
“Don’t talk like that. Please don’t talk like that.”
“I’m sorry, Mel. I’m done.”
******
Ashley Lynn Berryman died that day. I watched as she forced herself back into her dream world. I screamed and I cried, but there was nothing I could do. She was beyond me. I suppose I shouldn’t be so selfish as to pity my loss. Ash was happy. She wanted to be where she didn’t have to fear her mom. She didn’t want to feel like an outcast. She didn’t want the sideways looks that always made her feel so ugly. Ashley was the most beautiful girl I’d ever known. Ayden was foolish not to see that. Her mother was foolish too. I was foolish for not doing more to help her. I think maybe it’s a good thing that she’s gone, even though it hurts me. She doesn’t hurt, and she deserves to be without pain.
Today, when I think about her, I like to imagine her in her world, holding Ayden’s hand and smiling. I don’t like to think of the pain she felt, but we all know it was there.
--Melody
 LastLadyStanding · Fri Jul 30, 2010 @ 02:40am · 0 Comments |
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