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i just consciously, actively did something seriously destructive.

it was a series of things, too.

i could see it happening.

i had to continue, to choose to keep going even as i was completely aware that it wouldn't end well.

and it wasn't out of hope, or to achieve something better (okay, so i'm talking about gambling. woohoo!)

it was to lose.

i played to lose.

over and over again, the whole time assessing and analyzing what i was doing, but never stopping.

i can't play anymore.

because i've hit rock bottom.

(otherwise? i would.)