i dont know how to describe it really for i still dont have an answer. however all i know to do is to write it when i am feeling it because that is the only way that helps me understand myself more and the people around me understand me more. i dont want to live because i dont want to burden people thats why. i dont want to talk because i fear someone to tell me shut up. i dont want to open my eyes for fear someone will tell me to keep them closed. i dont want to move for fear someone will tell me to stay still. i dont want to talk about my wants and needs for fear no one would care or they would think im begging for something. thats not it. it's the same reason i dont make friends and its the same reason i never will. my therapist asked me why do i think like that and i cannot even give something as simple as an answer. i dont know why i think like this i just do. i am a complete burden on everyone i turn to, every single person. no one wants to talk to me because they dont want to hear another sob story or hear about things that dont have to do with them and i understand. i want to move and detach myself from who i am now but theres no way i can get rid of her because shes thought like this for so long. please dont buy me that skirt, i dont need it and i dont want to be a burden on you. please dont come see me, i am boring and i dont want to be a burden on you. please dont hug me, i will cry and i dont want to be a burden on you. i am fine being pulled every which way if it means someone elses happiness. i am okay with that. i am okay with being stretched out every direction until my skin is stretched out so far i am hideous if it means everyone else will be smiling in the end. im okay with that. i really am. i am okay with it. i dont want to be a burden on you or anyone. but for some reason when i think of things like this or make a point to bring it up people neglect me and i dont understand. is that being selfish, looking out for someone elses best interest? i dont know. i can't go back to what i don't know. im sorry im like this if it makes you upset. i could be someone but im not, i am everyone else and ive been smashed up into what people want me to be and i cant go back i cant let go because i have nothing to compare it to. i am so sorry that is so selfish of me isnt it i am so sorry i have lost myself in many ways and i cant even understand the math to get me back to what i left behind. im sorry but i dont care about me and i will work for others happiness until i am so unhappy i die. i will do that. i can do that. thats perhaps what i am here for. i dont know. i dont have an answer i can only suspect. i suspect thats why im here because why else would i think like that i dont know i dont understand im sorry im sorry i dont mean to burden you please do not read this it will burden you i just have to im so sorry im so sorry please please please look away please im scared please look away please please please do not look at me ever please do not i am crying dont look at me youll ask me questions and i cannot be of your concern im all messed up pleased to meet you now please please look away please im so sorry is that selfish of me to ask im so sorry please just im so sorry please look away please do not ask me what i want i dont know i dont know i dont know im so sorry please forgive me im begging you
palesprout Community Member 
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