I had an interesting dream last night.
I was fighting my sister, the one that cuts herself, the one I constantly worry about.
She had a real katana I had a plastic one... dunno how I was able to fend her off but I was. I didn't get many injuries. It seems even in my dreams I have fast reflexes.
I had this mentality that it wasn't her I was fighting... it was someone else. Someone I disliked a great deal after doing something unjustifiable in my past.
It ended when I got her in the back with her own sword.
Then I was running. Running after something I thought would die soon. I don't think I ever ran so fast in this life. Except for the fire when I was 13. That's something else. Although that always seems to pop up in every dream. The nightmare plays over and over in my mind. Pieces of the ceiling falling while I run upstairs to collect everyone. To drag everyone out of the house. There's a good reason I keep muscle. XD
Today I was just scared. Scared about a lot of things. Scared that someone I know might end their life and me having no way to stop it. It kills me inside. I'd race there to stop it. I'd grab the nearest bike and ride there. No one dies that I know. No one. Mark my words. I hear anyone I know that I care about dying on me... someone is going to pay.
I can't live like this. Not being able to help is killing me. I want to help so bad. If anything were to end I'd only feel even worse.
I know, I know... I should have been a doctor >__> this whole saving lives thing is getting out of hand with me. It started when I was 13 and it's just escalated.
Hell I wanted to be something in the doctor field but the real mother told me I wasn't smart enough. Heh, maybe I'm not, but it would have stopped me from thinking I can save the world. Right?
I'm not Jesus, nor do I believe much in God. After all that I've seen could anyone possibly believe in anything?
I'm a psycho. I'm crazy. Probably. But I seriously believe that I can save the people I know from hurting themselves by telling them all that I feel right now.
Two people I care about. One that I took care of since she was a baby. One that I love with all my heart. Can you not see how much it hurts me? I refuse to give up. I am stubborn. I'm selfish. I'm a jerk. Call me what you wish. I will stop at nothing to help you, if you just let me listen, if you just let me hold you. I can do something. I'm not worthless. I'm not useless.
Today I've just felt fear through most of the day. I saw two shows. Yamato and Pistol Opera.
But because of three shows all day on teenage suicides can ANYONE think of anything else? Thank you USA television for putting fear back into my head.
I honestly need to calm myself down. I just keep shaking and worrying... and feeling scared.
~ To tell the truth I have suicidal thoughts. I'm not any better. By living with this fear that the two people I love more than anything might hurt themselves in ways that'll make me feel more alone than I've ever felt, scares me. I don't want to be left alone. Does anyone?
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A flame that burns eternity; a heart made of ice; life melting glass
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