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In there is the real me
My love for Futil is strong. So strong sometimes I fear I'd lose him.
Sometimes boredom becomes of two. I grew bored of Mookie. He had just acted the same everyday. It was like sitting in luke warm water. Then we started to argue everyday. It was like talking to my mother. Soon I grew bored.
Because I still have some female parts, because there are parts of me that have been unable to change. Surgery costs a lot.
With the hopeful break through of this next manga I HOPE to go in and fix the things that are currently still growing.
Mental note: Canadian surgeons don't know how to properly operate.
Why do I do this to myself? I don't fit in, I don't feel I do. I don't feel like I'm female. The way I think, act, the fact I was raised on an army base.
Every time I find myself with a straight man I want out. Out fast. I've tried three times to fit in as the female in the heterosexual relationship. Every time I wanted control as the man. I wanted to do the things that the male would do. I refuse to be touched and loved only because of sex. I refuse to let the man take control. I always have.
It must have been that self conscious thinking I was brought up with. I was brought up as a boy. My father would always tell me that he couldn't love me because I was a little girl. So since I was very young I had the mindset of a boy. Wrestling team, rugby, soccer. Mostly sports that boys would only play.
My father told certain people that the reason behind all this was because of a troubled childhood with babysitters that touched me in certain ways. I don't know about this. There are holes in my memory where I can't remember certain things.
I do, in fact, remember being tied with skipping rope in the bathroom with the door locked ant the lights out.
Mental torture from my mother... I gave them their second chance when I was 21. They both kept their s**t head attitude. So I dropped them. They are my EX parents.
Look if parents can give their troublesome children away, then children can give their troublesome parents away. Right? I certainly think so.
Anyway... back to the dumb bells to get rid of these growing boobs. Stupid doctors. And to think I'll be going back to get them taken off 'for good'. ******** I hate doctors.
Can they do anything properly?
Wait till my friends find out. The ones that still believe I'm female. I'll let people believe what they want to. I'm one thing or the other. In my head I'm male. Inside where the organs are I'm female. I have no curves. I'm all one size down, like a male. No hips and wider shoulders. I am one confusing being... but I will say one thing, I believe I'm male. Is that enough?
I hate having the gentleman. I would rather BE the gentleman. I would rather be the one buying the flowers, paying for dinner, driving the car. Can anyone do this in a straight relationship? Seriously. I've not ever found the opportunity. I've always found myself crying because they know of the surgery. My attempt to be male... just a little more each day. Work out, rid myself of my chest a little more. Cry just a little more. Soon I'll go back in and this surgery will go right.
It has to. My love for another, Futil, grows everyday. I want to be perfect on the outside for him. Absolutely perfect. Right now my outside body is having difficulties. I have to rid myself of these hormones. And body dysfunctions. Who needs to know about this?
Well I figure no one reads this thing so I can more so talk to myself... get things straightened out. Make myself feel better and cry because I feel somehow I'll end up lonely again. *sighs* Tomorrow's another day.
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