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That's what I tell myself every night.....


Wow my first entry. Life's been getting worse. My mom's starting to get really violent. Soon enough she'll start hitting me, I know it -_- Last night... or the other night I can't really remember cause I tried to forget. She and her boyfriend fought and she doesn't really want to fight with him or say how she feels to him because she's afraid he would leave and she loves him a lot so she just doesn't say anything but that causes her to blow up on everyone else. Specially me stare It's a long story but she broke the laptop I use by slamming it on the marble table several times and she tried hitting me and throwing a chair at me a few times also -_- I wanted to run away so much, my mind was already made up as a matter of fact but I didn't really have anywhere to go. And I was afraid I wouldn't be able to talk to my boyfriend anymore. That same night when everyone else was asleep, I heard my mom in the kitchen crying. I don't know why but I felt that I had to go out there and tell her that I love her.... even though I was really angry. I tried not to go because she does this to me everytime. Whenever she fights with Sto she pours all her anger on me. I went out there though hugged her and told her I was sorry and I love her. I said sorry because she said Im a bad daughter and I make her life miserable and Im lazy and she wishes she didn't have my brothers and I. I don't think I am that bad.... But I felt I had to say sorry she felt that way. Yesterday I went to the mall with some friends instead. I didn't really want to because I know that he didn't really want me to go but I didn't want to be at home with my mom and my brothers -_- so I went but I feel bad for going now cause my boyfriend was worried about it cause there's a guy going with us. But Im kind of glad too because I really didn't want to be at home with my mom. I feel as if I've done something bad though even though I didn't. I think it's because my friend's think I like Justin and I went to the mall with them with Justin too and I don't know. It's hard to explain. I think Im just going to stop talking to him. I love Bunnyslippers too much (we'll call my boyfriend that incase he doesn't want to be known here or something xd ) But yeah, I don't want him to worry cause I start worrying. I don't think he trusts me that much now because I lied to him v_v and I did something that hurt him. How I wish I could take those back -_- Everytime Im angry or jealous I do such stupid things -_- I hate myself for it because I always regret it after and there's nothing else I could do. Anyways, Im at my dad's right now. I wanted to sleep here at his place because I got really upset again today. My mom, she knew I wanted to stay away from her and I was depressed so she was asking me if I wanted to go shopping today. And it kind of opened up some wounds. I remember a while ago that something like this happened. When she blamed me for how miserable her life was, how everything's my fault everytime she and Sto fought. After she realized what she's done she would buy me expensive things. Money isn't all I care about... Toy's, clothes.... They're not what I need... So I just told her no, because I wanted to sleep over at dad's today so here I am. crying The person I was hoping I could talk to tonight isn't online. Ill wait another hour though. Life's going to be harder pretty soon. My dad's moving to Oregon in 2 weeks. I really wont have anyone here then v_v I can't go there with him because he doesn't have his own house yet, he doesn't even have a job there yet. Even if he did Im not sure I would go because when my boyfriend comes home and I move there I'd be far away from him and I don't want that. If I didn't have him to lose I probably ran away from home a long time ago or done something really stupid. *sigh* I wish I could have his trust back stare I can't believe I've done such stupid things -_- It isn't really that big of a deal but it is because it's him -_- again hard to explain.

I love only you, always have and I always will. Don't give up on me, don't ever leave me. I want my happy ending with you ^^