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I hate everything I write.

Its always so bad and no one wants to read it. The only time I've ever done something good was when it was required for school. sad Everything I write sucks and I shouldn't even try anymore...

I woke up kinda happy today, I guess. It was very foggy outside and everything felt so dreamlike.

Career Center was alright, I guess. First two periods are kinda boring now, and I hate the class now too. I got my report card back-my teacher gave me two B's and a C. .....we don't do anything in that class, its an utter waste of my time and everyone elses. We've had two or three tests and a few labs ALL YEAR. The kid who already knows all this stuff and sleeps all day in class has 3 A's and to me thats not right. I put fourth 100% effort in everything schoolwise, I don't slack or anything. School is very important to me, and just because Brad knows all the stuff already the teacher treats everyone else badly. Its not my fault I'm not some loser who sits around putting computers together and s**t all day, stare excuse me for having a life for the past 17 years; excuse me for being poor and only getting a computer after my dad died. Not everyone has the same oppurtinites as other, and I feel as if my grade suffered because I didn't already know all this electronic stuff we're doing. sad I participated in every lab (even though I'm terrified of electricity), I did every assignment and I never once put my head down in class (even if I had a headache) because thats now how Courtney Williams goes about her education. I came to school everyday, I never skipped CC and for all that hard work and dedication I put into that worthless class I recieve two B's and a C. He ruined my entire GPA. I could of had a 4.0 you don't understand the s**t and stress and extra work I put in this last grading period to make my 4.0 an accomplished goal, and just 'cause he's a b1tch I miss out. This is the one and only time this year I will be able to pull this off and its not fckin fair....I actually tried...I did so much for that class...and its like "Oh, well, you tried your best and put forth more of an effort than anyone else but since you don't already know this stuff like Brad here does, your SOL. Tuff luck kid." to sum it up, thats what he said. I'm not being biased or just mean; thats exactly what he said to me and for some reason that just feels so wrong to me....

I talked to Sephy while I was at CC. I think maybe he's showing his true colors now that I'm not all shy around him. He really hurt my feelings, I didn't want it sugarcoated or anything but there certainly was a better way to say he didn't like me like that. He doesn't seem to really like me at all, to be honest. I mean....when I log on to MSN he always messages me all happy and what not but...I dunno, I really think he doesn't like me. So we talked and...well, talking to him was depressing. I didn't have much to say because the fresh wounds his words inflicted are in a slow process of healing. When I got quiet he said we'd probably stop talking soon because our conversation became akward. Teh, I have this thing about proving people wrong (if possible), so I'ma take a swing at this. I'll probably strike out, too...and I'm pretty sure that wouldn't phase him a bit. 3nodding Thinking or even writing this is making me sad and crying...I feel so pathetic on so many levels. I wish I never liked him at all ever ever ever ever. I just feel bad for it. Like it was worthless, because out regard for how I would feel he just shot me down. I don't and didn't want to be his girlfriend or whatever the hell he thought my agenda was with him, I just wanted to be his friend. Friendship makes me happy, I was shy and whatever but he seemed cute so thats just apart of my personality to be like that. He just...really hurt me, and he keeps on doing it too. He's not all that cute or that smart now that he acted how he did to me. We talked today, and he said he was depressed. Regardless of how I feel, anyone depressed abotu anything is just something I want to see if I can help with.

So he told me he was depressed because Valentines day was comming up and he didn't have a girlfriend. Valentines day is...well, stupid to me. It lost what true meaning it once held, and though I do love getting stuff on the day if I don't have a boyfriend or sweetheart I'm not going to fret over it like he is. So we got into that discussion stare , another subject inwhich I wish I wouldn't have touched on. He told me about these three girls he likes and how he cant' get them. He told me how smart and pretty and cute and perfect they were stare To me that was inconciderate, seeing how I just fkcing poured my heart out to you yesterday, you rejected me (I wasnt even fkcin asking him out stare ), and I'm still trying to heal about it. He's so smart yet doesn't think at all, oh, unless your one of his 'perfect' girls. stare stressed That pissed me off....it just.....made me hurt even worse. sad Basically he was saying I'm not good enough for him. sad I really liked him, I really looked up to him, and its like...I've just been whatever to him...logically I shouldn't be depressed and crying now, but for some reason I can't seem to help myself. No matter how logical my brain is thinking I'm to damn sensative to listen to anything....

The girl I guess he likes the best out of the three, is well...stupid. I mean...he defended her and said she's 'street smart & book smart'; which was a stupid statement in itseld when he copy-n-pasted a conversation they had. First off, she's already taken and he's nbeing one hell of a friend to still have such a romantic intrest in her. stare Secondly, her boyfriend cheats on her and hits her(I guess neutral ) and stuff and she's still with him. He says its just she's not 'love smart'. You can not be street smarts and book smarts and then be love retarded. stare Maybe its 'cause I'm half black or something, but there aint enough damn love in the world for me to stay with a guy who cheats on me, steals from me, or hits me. stare She's older than me, and if she doesnt' understand that then she needs a serious reality check. 3nodding Unless he's her babies daddy their just is no sort of justification for that, besides that she is lacking when it comes to intelligence. whee

Another of Sephy's famed three says she loves him and he says it back, but it goes no where from there. He's 'confused' abotu her. I don't know about the other, not really intrested either, honestly. It doesn't make sense to me why he would want such girls who only love him as a friend. Why would he do the worst thing a guy friend could do, and still want them romantically? That...made me adore him less. Thats so cruel of him to still want them like that...if he can't be their friend then he needs not to associate. I have always had loads of guy friend and if any of them liked me like taht (as some do now...) I just get distant. I don't care if your my friend dont' fckin fall in love with me especially after I tell you the feeling isn't mutual. stressed .... He responded to that, and said that not many people who meet his standards where he's from, so he has to stick to those three girls. He's so depressed abotu it, he needs to move or get diffrent standards. 3nodding Its not healthy to be so depressed over girls you can't have, or just not having anyone for Valentines day.

I sincerly hoped when he first said he was depressed that it would be over...a more serious issue than not having a 'significant' other. I was actually shocked, perhaps Sephy isn't as wise as he cracked up to be. I feel as if I hav wasted much of my time and energy. If anything, after his cruel let down I can certainly evaluate him more efficently now. whee

He said that he didn't want to be lonely anymore, 'cause he's almost 20 and some stuff abotu 1/4 of his life already being over. He has his life planned out, all he needs now is for one of the dream girls to say 'Yes' andn be his, and his little modle of life will be complete. It was very sad to listen to him go over how everything would be...maybe he doesn't know life is full of surprises and such? Even if something happened he'd surely have a plan for it. I plan stuff out as well, but...I live and breath outside of my plans too. I live. Sephy...Sephy doesn't. sad

His justification for Valentines Day blues was that be believed in love. To him, V-day is all abotu love, and he doesn't have anyone to love. ....he became so seemingly pathetic, after that. You don't need anyone elses love and affection. He craves that to much, he needs to get his dream girls or meet someone else who can *possible* compare to their glouriousness and then move out into the world and get a career and make babies and live in his perfect little planned out world. To crave what he does from another person, I wonder if he even loves himself. He's so caught up in this whimsful plan of his, I wonder if he really knows who he is? He seems to be making himself that kinda man who has a 'mid-life crisis'; why? because he didn't take the time nessasary to find out who he was before searching as he is for love. You can't search for love, it has to just happen and you have to be patient. He's going abotu it all wrong, and when I tried to say that he just threw a whole bunch of jumbled confusion at me.

I can't help a person who won't even listen to me. I'm usless to Sephy now. Why? because I'm just a 17 year old girl with not much experiance on her plate. He treats me like every adult does...like I'm some naieve idiot who's going abotu everything wrong. He doesn't know anything about me; all he knows is that giddy girl who drooled over him. She's gone, now, and I doubt he'll be intrested in me now. Friendship is what I mean, don't get me confused. I feel a need to reliterate that I DIDN'T WANT TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!!! Its as simple as that, people reading here and dropping your ever so annoying PM's need to hear me straight. I wasn't romantically intrested in him, maybe at first but he's a white boy and I already know how those things go for me. sweatdrop I already knew he'd say no, but I liked my little crush thing because it made me happy. I didn't want a yes or a no, just wanted to be happy and ignorant to those sorts of things~because a yes or a no would have made me as sad as I am now. 3nodding

Enough on that, talking to him earlier really hurt me and I needed an outlet of it. It bottled up all day and all I wanted to do was cry. I'm done crying now, lets move on. whee

If my boo, dear sweet Josh ( heart heart heart ) and I keep leveling together I should be priestess by next Sunday on RO. whee I calculated it out and I'm so happy~! whee Josh is so....just....like, everything I want. If not, he's playing it off very well. 3nodding whee I feel...literally close to him. He speaks so affectionalty to me, he's so conciderate, so sweet...he's not rich like Kevin was, but I don't want money; I'm not a materialistic girl. He showers me with all these warm sweet feelings I can't help but fall inlove with, feelings not even all the money in the world can buy. I feel...like, alright. I feel like I'll be ok, like I'm protected when I'm with him. He doesn't let anything bad happen to me, he doesn't ignore me, if I'm hurt or something he says sorry and trys to make ammends, he's smart, we like the same kinda music, he's uber cute, he's so...real. Not like some fake person I meet everywhere else on the net, he keeps it 'real'. whee He's my dream guy...::sighs dreamily:: We spend loads of time together, I wanna learn everything about him~! whee He's been through tough s**t just like me, but he's still a really nice person (as I try to be). He's half white and half puerto rican, he has a little brother and a pet hampster (er...gerbil? gonk ), and he has to take care of his dad 'cause he's real sick. heart He's just like so many wonderful things piled into one~! He had nerve to say he's not cute, I snagged a pic of him and.... redface well, lets leave it at that.

Um...a mention to Slasher (the mean selfish jerk-acting mean mean mean person cry ) Message me soon if you can somehow beable to stare

I heart FM Static~! What a pretty little band~! whee

I got peak, which is inschool suspension on Wednesday of next week. I've never been to it before. I got it 'cause I was late to class. WHy was I late? Because all the bathrooms were lockd stressed I ran aroud the damn school and didn't even find one because this stupid b1tch took out the class pass and didnt' come back till the end of the period.

Man...this white b1tch keep sayin s**t abotu me and I'ma bash her head in if she keeps this up. She's the one who was out with the pass. I swear man, I'm not even playing anymore. I know I shouldnt' be on tha 'he said she said' s**t, but I just hate it when white girls mess with me. I hate it when any girl does, but white girls especially. I'ma just walk up and steal on this b1tch and beat her till she's bloody. She runs that mouth of her's to much and thinks just 'causer I'm quiet I'ma sit back and take it. Let the b1tch say one more thing, all I need is one more thing outta her mouth and I'ma confrotn her. I'ma be polite and kind, let the b1tch lie and I swear I'ma just beat her.

Not good that I do, though. sweatdrop I dont'....fight to fight. I don't fight to prove anything. I have nothing to prove to anyone, I know who and what I am. When I fight, its a fight to kill your a**. Which is why I try not to fight 'cause I don't wanna be in jail forever over some bullshit. 3nodding

...and plus, I don't want any icky scratch on my pretty face wink