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<center> I've died inside...
</center>
I've decided to stop caring.
No point, and no reason, to care about you people on the net I will never meet. No reason to be kind or conciderate. No reason to show compassion or caring.
Slasher played me out. He toyed with me and my feelings...he used me, and now his girlfriend or whoever wants him back, I am old news. This is ironic, you know. The same thing happened to Shadow over a misundestanding of someone wanting you and then to realize you were just a play toy until who they wanted returned the feelings. I see, now, why he didn't hate Laura. He was a whole lot nicer to her then I plan to be to Slasher.
...I'm empty inside. Void of any emotion...except a tinge of sadness when tears well in my eyes for some unknown reason. I pity me on so many levels. I pity the choices I have made. I pity the person I have become.
I wish I could start over. I hold this identity I have created so near to my heart, though. One of the few things that prove to me I exist...but these things that have happened with this idenity are so depressing.
I wish I would have died last night. I ODed on asprins and Slasher convinced me to throw it all up. I wish I wouldn't have. I wish I would have went to sleep and died. I don't like living. Nothing good comes from this existance I have. Nothing but sadness and regret.
Everytime I get to the point where I'm not so sad, and not so regretful, and not so full of pity...it goes away. It lasts but a few moments, then I am tosses back into my world of depression.
I just cry now. I don't even know why I do sometimes...something in my head clicks and I realize what a pointless existance I have. No one loves me the way I need them to, no one cares for me the way I need them to, just as usual Courtney is left to deal with all her problems completely alone.
I help everyone I know whenever they have a problem. I put aside my personal wants to satisfy them...because it makes them happy, and makes me feel needed.
I go on without a purpous, just to satisfy my own selfish needs. To graduate from high school, to go to college, to get a car, to get my own house, to get a high paying job. All that is for me, sometimes I think of my family when I choose these goals...but I just watch the idiotic things they have done to ruin their lives and just am sure not to repeat them.
I want to have kids one day. Why, though? Really just to continue my fathers blood or just so I can feel like someone loves me, wants me, needs me? No, though, I can't even have kids because I can't even find a decent boyfriend.
Every guy I love doesn't love me back. Kevin ignores me, poor Sephy is always so busy with his work and buisness and fable(fables hawt...), Slasher doesn't like me anymore which I think means he won't be talking to me much at all, and Chris...
Chris is busy too...his feelings confuse me. He says he loves me very much...he said soemthing, I can't remember what it is...I'll PM him now.
Bye...
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