John walked the frozen tundra for about five hundred miles before he started to get bored. At first freezing beyond human endurance was notable, but he realized that being a soul meant he didn't have a body to be concerned about. The Archangel trailing behind him should have made good conversation, but apparently spending untold millennia contemplating the Holy Spirit hadn't left him time to read anything interesting.
Heaven, then! John had spent the first few weeks of walking checking out his surroundings, but the closer he grew to the pillar of light on the horizon the more and more barren things became. Not to mention cold. John couldn't really tell, but he was certain that he had to be approaching absolute zero by now. Endless variations on white and gray stretched in every direction now - except, of course, for the pillar of light. God, supposedly.
"This is a bad idea," the archangel whined. It was the single most androgynous person that John had ever seen.
"What's your name, again?" John asked.
"Michael. Michael the First of the..."
"Yeah, whatever." He'd go on for hours about his titles if you let him. His titles and frogs, he was really into frogs for some reason. "Any idea how close we are?"
"None whatsoever," the angel said. "I've never come all the way to the Fountain of Divinity."
"Is that what it's called? Huh." John scratched at his stubble (he kept asking himself why he had to shave in heaven. He eventually decided that heaven is kind of dumb.)
They walked another week in silence.
"So, have you ever been to this fountain thingy?" John asked.
"The Fountain of Divinity?" Michael asked.
John stopped in his tracks. He looked at the path behind them, the eternal plateau to his left, the mountains stretching into infinity on his right.
"Do you see another goddamned fountain around here? Of course the Fountain of goddamn Divinity!" he shouted.
"I wish you wouldn't swear so much," Michael said. "I've never been there, for anything brought directly in the presence of the Lord will be annihilated. You just...it's too much, don't you see?"
"If you'll be annihilated, why are you even coming along?" John asked.
"To dissuade you of this foolish course of action!" Michael said. "Please, turn around and come back to the rest of the Lord's flock!"
"No way," John said. "I've got something I want to tell God."
"Then tell me!" Michael said. "I can pass it along and it will eventually reach His ears!"
"You ever see God yourself?" John asked.
"No. Do I look annihilated?"
"If dudes get annihilated, how do you know what happens to them?" John asked.
"It's just common knowledge. May as well ask why the sun moves through the sky," Michael said.
"Yeah, well, maybe it's just an urban legend. I'm gonna find out."
The archangel stopped walking. John continued ahead without him.
"I'm telling you for the last time, go no further!" Michael shouted.
"Bite me, longhair," John muttered, and pressed on.
Some time later, he encountered a man standing in his path. When he was close enough to make out who it was, he chose a comfortable-looking part of the tundra and sat down.
"Hey," John said, "aren't you Spider-Man?"
"No," the man said, "I'm an aspect of God. I merely chose to manifest as Spider-Man."
"That's cool," John said. He took off one of his shoes and shook a pebble out of it. Where did a pebble even come from out here? "Why him?"
"To be honest, I don't know. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea to God, but I'm no more in control of his decisions than your fingertips are in control of you."
"Mm." John put the shoe back on and stood, ready to go on. "You wouldn't happen to know the year, would you?"
"You've been walking for three centuries, more or less."
"Huh. Well, nice seeing you, Spidey." John made a wide semicircle around Spider-Man.
"Hey, wait. I'm God. You can just say whatever you're going to say to me."
"No you're not," John said. "You're a fingertip. I wanna talk to the big cheese."
"What's so important about that, anyway?" Spider-Man asked.
"I think I've just got nothing better to do at this point," John said, and was on his way.
Countless eons later, John stood at a cliff. Beyond the cliff was an abyss. Shooting from the abyss to the sky was the Fountain - the ultimate expression of God's will. Vaster than the eye could see, a purer light than the mind could interpret. And here he hadn't been annihilated yet. That angel was full of crap.
"God?" John asked.
"WHAT?"
"The whole existence thing?"
"YES, MY CHILD?"
"You're kind of a d**k."
"MAN, I DON'T GIVE A CRAP."
"Yeah, I guess I can see why," John said.
There was an awkward silence until the end of time.
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Shadow.Of.Venca
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