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<center> Kiss~Kiss
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I wonder why its so easy to be sad.
Its easy to be mad, because human instint to survive is the assured act of agression which is usually winning over being weak and having what you want taken. People are mean to survive. SO why the hell are they prone to be sad? Why is it easy to be sad?
...I think its just me. I am just sad. Depression runs in my family on my moms side; my grandma killed some people when she was 20...on my dads side nothing but sadness and just a mess of crazy s**t. Being mixed sucks a**. If I were all white I could atleast identify with someone. If I were all black I could identify even more since I was raised by my dads side of the family and live in an impoverished black neighborhood. But no, I have to be bother. I can't even fit in with other mixed kids 'cause they're as ******** confused and wanting to belong as I do.
My friend was listening to Christian rock in class and he asked if I liked it. I said no, I'm not religious. He flipped on me...I mean damn he like did a whole personality switch. All over stupid damn religion. He said lots of stuff I don't want to repeat...he's a white boy, and I thought he was cute, but not now. stare
Ocean Avenue by Yellow Card ish on ::sighs dreamily::
I'm tiered of being sad. I honestly am. But it is hard to be happy when so many bad things are happening at once. I can't do anything to help them...its like everything bad that coudl happen has happened...I just keep hoping more is not on the way.
I'm sad in so many ways and I'm just dieing for someone to grab me before I fall to deep and save me from what I am doing and will do to myself. Its like I'm bad for me. I can't smile at home at all...in school, the first few periods I'm happy. I'm surrounded by friends in classes I enjoy. After 11:00am though it all changed and we are all seperated. Heh, my friends love me, in their own strange boyish way. That makes me happy, but nothing that used to make em happy does anymore. I'm left alone with myself so long...it is depressing...
Its like...anyone I talk to online now...whenever I try to talk about something, they miss the bulk of what I am trying to say. They miss the point of what I mean and it hurts...its like they don't pay attention enough...
Awesome Sephy used to cut himself real bad. I saw pics of it and they scared me. I look at my own cuts confused now, amazed at what I can do to myself with a blade. I wonder why I cut...it doesn't make me feel better overall...but like I hurt so much sometime that any kind of relife is well accepted.
I think I know whats wrong. Something simple, and it pisses me off that Gregs the one who pointed it out. I don't love myself anymore. Which is true, I don't love or like myself anymore. I hate my existance...so many things go on in my head now, I can't focus on anything anymore...I am going to fall back into old habits just so I wn't feel so alone anymore. I wonder why i can't handle it...
I don't...I dunno, I don't give a ********. I want to be happy damn it. If it wasn't for this headache I could stleast be content with myself. I wanna hug and love and run around giggling and watching Pretear(damn that anime rocks xd )~! I wanna run through a big open field with clear blue sky above me and pretty flowers around me. I want to watch animals play around and fall asleepin the warm grass, all those bad tihngs pushed out of my mind and just breathing easy for once.
...Ya know, I'ma get my temps soon so I can drive. I'ma go to the park and sit under the sun. Just me by myself. I want love and attention from someone else so badly that I've forgotten to love myself. I need to just have some Courtney time, deep in nature where I'm happy. I live in the projects sweatdrop and inside the city...so it will be a while before I can get out and enjoy nature...but it'll come, just gotta keep my head up. I like being happy. I like scaring people with my giddiness. ^_^ I am relying to much on people now, losing all my dear friends made me feel the need to be dependant on someone again. But I dont' need them, I really don't.
Tommrow is my birthday, and it will be great. I will try not to be so emotional, and just be happy. Instead of saying I love other people so much...I just wanna say I love me. heart
I'ma go now while I'm still happy xd So see you all~! ::tackles:: heart
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