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So I feel like writing again, although no one reeeeads it, but that's okay :3
I don't have much to write about anymore, because I'm not all that depressed. Maybe I should pretend to be depressed > 3>
Be all, "*gloomgloomgloom* =__=" and everyone can beat me up for being so "emo"
Why do people beat up "emo" kids? That's so stupid D:
Anyways, I've noticed a lot of my friends have been doing some things, being depressed, finding love, whatever. Everyone is continueing their journey in life, and I'm wondering:
"Am I going to be left behind?"
I've done a count on my BEST and GREATEST Gaia friends (meaning the ones I talk to most and cherish the most) and noticed that a lot of them are a lot older than me. Most 16-20... and I thought, "Where do I stand on their lists? Just some annoying girl, or a cute girl that they find to be a like a little sister?"
I want to be up on their "my greatest friends" list, being there for them, helping them... but I'm an idiot D:
I don't have the experience that they do, I don't have the smarts. For every person my age, their a lot smarter than me, their a lot better looking than me. So again I think:
"Did I get left behind?"
Because maybe I did, and they didn't tell me. So maybe I'm still waiting for that whole trip. I know I'm standing still, I'm like in the Matrix.
Everyone around me is moving so quickly, and I'm just standing there, not moving at all just sorta bummed out. I don't believe that I've started a life journey yet, I don't believe that I even took life's challenge to want to live and make something of myself. Everyday I believe the world would be better without me, and I just want to erase myself from this place. But then I think:
"What would happen if I die, and I didn't go anywhere?"
I was born and raised into a Christian family, so there's the whole "heaven and hell" thing. What if I'm just stuck between the two, then get rejected by God because I'm not "Christiany" enough. I've lost track of my "life", and suicides have no place in heaven. So what if I just burned for an eternity? That's why I won't do it, that's the main reason I won't kill myself.
Because I'm afraid to die. I don't know the outcome.
I ALWAYS know the outcome to everything, but death is a total mystery to me and I'm afraid... if I don't know, I won't do it.
I'm a total coward. Yeah, I admit it. I'm afraid of a lot of things.
.... A lot of things... but that can be for a different entry.
Anyways, the closing statement is, because I'm afraid to die, you all have a long time to spend with me
 Olive_the_Monkey_Ninja · Tue Sep 05, 2006 @ 07:46am · 2 Comments |
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