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<center> Ish Hurting
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Yea....I am hurting now.
Its strange...how you can feel so strongly about someone and then have them...not honestly care about you in the end. When it all comes down to it, to realize you were honestly nothing to that person.
Yea, I'm crying now. No big deal though, nothing but tears...you know, bacteria is attracted to the stuff tears is made from...its an intresting note...
I didn't sleep last night again. I can't seem to be able to. I don't know what will happen once school starts...there's just this uneasiness about me nowadays. I can't really figure it out...
Kevin turned out to be just like Shadow. Its my own fault for being truthful...see...I told you I wasn't good for relationships...maybe, when you are with someone like this...that you have to lie to make them happy...maybe being truthful all the time isn't a good thing. I mean, after my last secrert was dispelled I have been nothing but truthful to everyone...it was a bad idea....for now on I will just lie to make people happy...
Kevin said...that...he is arranged to marry someone else already...he said bye to me...whatever...and moved on...ish hurts alot. I mean, yea, I know I deserve it. But still, doesnt' mean..I'm not going to hurt...
Even if it was just an internet thing, even though he did scare me, even though its like he did everythign in his power to piss me off...yea, I still loved 'em. Real love...like that kinda love tha tno matter how he was in person just the way I feel about him would make me love him even if he was a hidious monster IRL. It is strong love...well...was....
It will take time to get over...lots of time...a long long long time...but I will, no matter how much I tell myself it won't an d no matter how deep I dig this glass into my arm...my laptop ish got blood drizzled all over it...it kinda makes the hurt go away. This s**t will be hell to cclean up...I will do it later...I will take some pills and sleep more...if I am lucky, maybe I won't wake up.
I was to hard on Kevin, I wanted him to be something he could not. I could not give him the kind of love and support he needed, so I am stating here I am sorry for that. I am sorry I didn't make him happy. Why though? I dont' believe he ever cried, I don't believe he ever almost died over me from his heart, I odn't beliebe he ever tried to kill himself over me. Those things are just...to outlanish for anyone to believe. Especially over the net...its as if he couldn't distinguish the fact from me just living a few miles away.
I will miss Kevin alot...ish hurts to think I don't have him now. But he hasn't been around much lately anyway so it won't be that much of a loss. It was the same to me when my dad was murdered. I mean...he wasn't all that much in my life anyway, so him dieing just meant I couldn't visit himin the summer anymore. I didn't want to visit my dad anyway, on account the next summer he wanted to talk to me about when he raped me. Wasn't...something I wanted to talk about with him. Now that I think on it, if he was still alive no and I confessed to still remembering it...would he have killed me or something? To make sure I didn't tell?
Oh Kevin...::sigh:: I miss you so much now. I can't even try to intervene...arranged marriages are out of my league.
I think he thought I was telling him what to do, trying to control him. Boys have such obnoxious minds. All I said was that I didn't want him telling everyone else about our buisness.. In a relationship you don't do that, you can ask for advice and all...but you don't use a common friend between you two to act as a messanger between us.
I should have said nothing though...oy...I couldnt' keep my mouth shut though, it isn't fair to Silent to have to be in the middle.
It is a weird feeling I have now. One I don't like.
I wonder...do I honestly mean anything to anyone I talk to on the net? Both Shadow and Kevin have given the same reactions to me...so I mean...What about Sephy, and Onii-san? Is it the same with them? Or what abotu kratos and Blaugh? Them too? All the guys I know...am I just something to play with so they don't jhave to be bored?
I keep telling myself no, yet everytime I involve myself with another person it seems that way. I better send Kevin back that stuff he got me. Not right to keep it...
::sigh:: I have to clean the blood off my laptop, so I take my leave here.
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