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I CANT DEAL WITH IT! I JUST CANT I WANT IT TO ALL GO AWAY!

omg my life sucks so much right now. everyone is being so mean. so harsh. so brutal. i cant stand it.they are adding to my paranoia! and its bad enough as it is i want it all to stop. schoolis living hell and home is bad enough! heh, what am i talking about a home?!?! since when did i have one of those?! hoem is a sanctuary to where one can reside in. but no, i am forced to deal with my emotions in my mind. i try to lockit all away. i cant stand it. i want to let it out. all of it i want my life to become happy. but then again, i dont even know the meanign of the emotion happy. my life has been horrible since the begining. ive even thought abotu suicide, but then i thought about how much the cost would be for my funeral. im never doing suicide, i have a dream. my life WILL become worth living someday.. someday i hope. yet. i have no hop eleft at all. i want to cry. i want to cry and i want everyone toknow how upset i am. i want them all to know what i have been through. but i dont want to burden them. and if they see my pain, they might htink i am making it up. since i portay a girl who has a good life. i try to be indipendant. but i amunable to. i cannot do anythign i am worthlss! i am such a loser. and when my friend chelsie calls me a loser i want to shout out 'yes i am i am such a loser forgive me!' but i cant. for then i would be known as a fool. a fool who called herself a loser. some peopel know about my feelings. btu they only think they do.they dont know the half of it.this messege/journal entry thign is only to get thigns in my mind running straight. if you are readin gthis than you are wasting your time for if you even try to understand me you will never learn. my strength resides from my love for my boyfriend. which in the relationship, has had most likely more bad things than good. we have even broken up once. but we go tback together again. love is jsut strange. sure i am not treated like a real girlfriend should but i dont mind. he loves me. and i love him. and thats that. everyone says mean things about him. he thinks no one likes him. he doesnt speak to anyone at school anymore. all he does is sit there in class either doing his work, staing into space, or reading a book. unlike the others who talk, and socialize with the other kids around htem. i dont have many friends. and the ones who i call my friends. barley treat me as a friend. some call me names. most dont even say hi. when really, they all dont care. some give me a hug, but only when they remember i am there. i am lost omungst the children who have good lives. they live and forget about me.. the poor girl who couldnt do anythign. the one who wanted to fit in, but had no where to go. everyone rejects me. i always feel so alone, even when i am surrounded by ppl. these ppl have no idea i am there, if they realise i am there, then they dont realise my pain, barely even my presence. i wish i could just run away, an never look back for the pain would break me down as for now it is already slowly eating me from the inside out. my mothe rgot in a car accident, she is okay, btu still. she has had to go through most likely paiinful surgery. her neck was badly hurt in the crash. ppl dont know abotu my mother. they say mean things abotu her. they say 'hey you should talk to your mother about htis' 'or hey you shoudl tell your mother that' 'your mother is a b***h' 'your mother is this' and she is that. i cant stand it. no one knows my mother. my mother and my father got divorved when i was around 5 years old. young enough to make a scar, and old enough to make the scar count. my step mom. she was a witch. she treated me like dirt, just like everyone else did. she locked me in my room not able to come out unless i needed to do chores or go to the bathroom. she was so cruelhe was jealous my dad said, he said that she was jealous that he had custody us my brother and i, and natasha, my older sister. and she wasnt abl to have her kids. my step mother was so mean...so very mean. my life was ruined. she made me move away form my friends, who have most likely forgotten all abotu me. and moved on to bigger and better lives. slowly forgetting the girl they used to play with in elementary school... and my sister.. my odler sister that is.. man did she hate me. i used to look up to her when i was younger. i wanted to be just like her. sinc ei didnt have an older brother, she was my idol since my mother was never home, and my father was always at work. but as we both grew older, she started to hate me, but then again, did she ever really like me to begin with? i realised her hatred and backed off becoming myself and breaking away from her slowly. soon we never talked, even if our rooms were right next to eachother. she is 5 years older thanme. soon to be 18. aint she lucky, she gets to be away fromteh pain. she has friends. she moved out to live with my mother when she was around 14. now she is living on her own, starting from when she was around 16. the last wrods i remember her sayign to me, was :i hate you get away you twerp. and i havent even talked to her since. and now... years later, we still havent even made contact. never talked, never seen eachother. my younger sister. who lives with my mohter. she looks up to me, well, when she gets to see me that is. i barely get to see my mother. so herefore i never get to see her. she will think fo me as the sister who wasnt there to help raise her. the one who was always cryign when she visited her. she once asked me if i still lloved mommy. and of course i do. i ust learned how to supress my emotions. i ACT happy when i am aroudn ppl. keyword:ACT. no one realises it is all just a play... a play that never ends.. with no happy endings alogn with it. nothign special is inmy life... thsi is only half my pain... i have tried toput all my happiness towards love. but the one i love... he gets upset whe he talks to me..for the conversation always leads to soemtign that upsets him.. my friends.one of the most ppl who taunt him to my face since they think we arent together. they say that worste thigns to my face. i wanted to hurt them.. kill soemof them for what they have said.. i wanted to tell them'i love him with all my heart so shut up your tearing me apart and you try being told that the one you love is worthless. the one you love is not for you you just try!' and then run.. far away. give them sumthin to thin kabout, yet they would forget i was even there in less than 2 seconds when i run away. i want to run... but in the end.. there is nowehere to go.. i want it all to stop.. all of it.. i want hte pain.. the hatred.. the sadness.. everythgin.. to jsut . go away. forever.this is only half my pain.for no one who has happy houghts, and happy feelings. could deal with the way i really feel. sonext time you see me. try to see past the fake smiles and laughs. and look intomy eyes and see the ain. that no one ever notices. the eyes cant lie. ive learned that. for when i look in the mirror and smile; i see a fake whois tryign to fit in.. with sad eyes tht cant hide her sadness and her torturing soul. its nto my fault. i jsut want it to all goaway. i cant deal with it....