*sigh* Have you ever been let down in such a way that it hurts? And I don't mean over something trivial like what you wanted for christmas or your birthday. Someone so depressing that you can actually feel it wrench through you on the inside? It seems I have recently. I'm really trying to let it go but it keeps coming back to haunt me. I honestly never thought one single person could do so much harm. But what really gets me is the fact that I couldn't help them. I just wanted to help but, instead, I get torn to shreds and left in the gutters to rot away. Just goes to show you why you shouldn't believe people can change...they can't. The likelyhood of a person changing in order to improve is small to none. But...when there is a person who can do that...they are one of the best people in the world. I am not one of those people because I refuse to change, just as so many others. I can't change my views now. Not when I'm about to be forced into reality on my own. If I do, there's no way I can survive. But at the same time, I need to change other things. Not my views but my weak spots.
I've raised my grades recently. I'm proud of myself but the main reason I did it was for a fellow student. I was worried that if they ever did pay me attention, I would like to look my best in every way. Although, I have caught the attention of my parents again. Not quite the attention I wanted though. I was praised for a brief moment, then told sternly to do even better.
When will it be enough? I'm not perfect and for some reason, there are so many people who don't understand that. I don't want to be like him...I don't want to grow up to be her. I just want to figure it out. I'm so confused. I don't know where to go and I'm being pushed in multiple directions. I want to tackle everything one step at a time for some reason, it can't work that way. I have to take five steps with on problem and 2 on the other at the same time.
I know I keep a good-natured outlook on things...but sometimes its really hard to smile when all I want to do is huddle up and cry. The only reason I smile is so that I'll actually mean it some day. In fact, it feels like its been a while since I've laughed whole-heartedly. I have to thank Kevin and Nick for that. I've missed that laugh. Is this why my holidays have felt so empty? I was talking to Brittany a little while ago and it seems that having a lifeless Christmas is abnormal. To be honest, I haven't had a fulfilling christmas since...I was 8-years-old. Now all its about is the presents. I've honestly wondered if they mean it when they wish you a merry Christmas. I only say it to be polite. But I don't understand its purpose. I just don't get it.
I have a great life, don't I? Parents that aren't divorced, 3 siblings that treat me fair, a large house with a pool, my own personal computer and a good education. I'm thankful for it but why do I feel so empty? Why doesn't it feel right? In the words of Jack "There's something here I'm not quite getting. Though I try, I keep forgetting. Like a memory long since past."
uhg...I just want to know what it all means...and, unfortunately, that's asking too much. *sigh* I'm glad I've gotten this off of my chest.
I'll be smiling tomorrow, but don't think that means I'm happy. Bliss is my only escape.
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Everyone Knows that its Souzou!
It's made of crack ... No REALLY
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Unibal Community Member 
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majordanger_gundam
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Souzou the Insane Community Member 
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majordanger_gundam
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With the Christmas thing...I just want to say that you don't lack anything! The spirit of christmas is just a feeling...a feeling that no matter what, there are things in this world worth living for and celebrating!:
1. Celebrate the fact that you are alive and well! Ignore the fact that you might be doing less than perfect on this road through life and think of what you YOURSELF, find as extreme accomplishments that make you feel proud to be you.
2. Celebrate the fact that you have loved ones that love you no matter how silly or outrageous you act around them. It shows that they accept you and each and every emotion that you portray.
3. Celebrate the fact that with each moment that passes by, another miracle of life is taking place and bringing others, like you, into this world.
4. Celebrate the fact that no matter how many times you are put down, you still find the strength to brush those hateful words aside. Even if there are times in this life that seem like hell...you can always look forward to a time (that we all will recieve) where you will be happy. Until then set your jaw, roll up your sleeves, and hold on.
So, souzou, there is no direct definition of the spirit of christmas. In order to find this "spirit" all you have to do is close your eyes and take a moment to clear out all the noise and frustration, and think of all the things in this world that you personally find fun, beautiful, pure, innocent, and loving. AKA your friends, your family, animals, sunsets, sunrises, the ocean, rain, snow, a summer breeze, the love of your life (he's out there, you just haven't found him yet), emotions themselves, all of the senses....the list goes on and on.
P.S. And if you ever feel down...know that your friends will always be supportive and understanding of your feelings.