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My life began, or well renewed, upon my 13th birthday, where i sat in an empty house, with nothing more then my birthday present of a new PlayStation portable and a hope that my nightmare would just be awoken from

In New York, the school system goes from something called middle school to a junior high to then a high school. Upon that transition where i could stop seeing the younger in my school and fund myself with only people my age i felt such a delight in my heart that i could follow in my family’s footsteps with their entire school career and go to the same college as my cousins and just be with my family

Hell, a woman i asked to go out with, for the first time, instead of saying no, instead said yes but only next year because of our age at the time, which made sense as i just wanted the person i liked to be called a girlfriend and enjoy as least some attachment to someone i loved/liked

It all came crashing down when i heard that news that i would be moving nearly a day away and i would lose it all

So a hole in my heart opened and i began the slow process of rebuilding, my mind, my friends, the people i would call family outside of those of the 3 who stood by me now.’

So i expanded into looking online for other outlets, for other means to reach out and try and find some peace for that hole in my heart that was ripped open as i stepped into my new home and realzized that i was not going to get the girl i liked

So i joined gaiaonline and began a newer life

I used the rps and its members to grow my writing and my abilities to manage multiple characters in a tale, some with branching and surprising changes in demeanor and attitude that caused me to learn that i write on my emotions and act upon them accordingly

I made friends and found loves of my life that I thought i could hold forever and never let go to only have them taken away by my own insanity that everything has some sort of control to only realize that at my age of 14, i had none, i had no control of my mind, my heart, my soul, nothing in my body worked to a future that i wanted and my mind began to simply fracture with the belief that everything would be alright when in reality, nothing would be the same instead

That hole in my heart became a cancer that was nothing more then a black hole which absorbed everything i cared for and turned them into untrusting feelings that made me question every word that came upon the texts i read and the words they spoke.

This site, this world, at 14 i had to age to adapt far faster then i normally should have, i had to research and learn of things that I shouldn’t have to make my stories better and make myself better to those i had loved but instead it made the cancer grow into my brain and made holes in my head that turned my precious thoughts into questions of those around me, if i heard my name i questioned if the person talking about me was just insulting me or praising me for my good work. I began to hear voices that i was nothing more then a failure and i deserved to just die and end my life at such a young age as my excistence meant nothing to this world in the future,

It got worse till i finally lost it all and gave up on the people here to simply not be a part of the insanity anymore. I thought it was the cause but that hole was never filled and the cancer only festered, making it harder to trust even a simple friend without asking them if they were just there to trick me later.

So my life went on, always believing that the voices would stop and the characters i made would silence their voices once and for all, but they never did and to this day they question my actions like shadows, puppets on an invisible string directing me while also being me,

As of now, i am 25, 26 in august, and working a decent job, enough of job to buy 2 cars in my first year, one i gave to my sister after i had it for a year or so because her vehicle was going down the beaten path to the junk yard. Hell im looking for a house right now and enjoying the fact to this day i lived thought my hell and made some friends who can argue, but also are together like a family i never had

So i came back here to give my final report and maybe pop in since this account is somehow still mine

To Jessica w*******

My god i hope you died in some freak suicide and just left this earth as the monster you were and that i knew you for

To Sarah K*******”

I am sorry for the actions i took and words i spoke, but that will never be enough to atone, but hell, if you would like to talk, let me know

To Amanda F*****””

No words just like before can atone but if you still have my number or would like it, just message me, my email is still the same as it was before,

To A*****

Sorry as before, nothing to atone, thrice it must be said and thrice it must be spoken.
If you care to talk, let me know as well

To the Gaians that trusted me as i trusted them and helped me build myself to my current self (Roy, Ember, yuki,Kyoto, etc)

Thank you, you kept me going through my toughest time and kept me thinking and breathing life into beings that should never have been brought to life, but thanks to them i have expanded my knowledge and my words to better articulate and write far better works of literature then i did before. So thank you, all of you, from the forest to the hotel, to the simple messages and back and forth i enjoyed, thank you, truly and fully, thank you all.


And with this, my final journal entry and maybe if i feel like it, a new life returning to the folds of old world, either way, we will figure it out,


From: Johnathon Damien Harker

Or Brian, its to each their own