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Let's start with the good news shall we? We rarely get good news around here. My car is fine. They can not for the life of them find anything wrong with it. Which means my tax return money ( minus what I owe to the mechanic already) is free to be used for other things. Though I am amending it to try and keep a good chunk for savings so I have something in case of emergencies ( like another snow storm or getting sick or my manager decides that I don't need to work alot of hours). I ordered my camcorder for my youtube channel, purchased art supplies. Bought a book on tarot cards as well as a cute little bag to put them in.

I am planning on starting a Tarot Club so I can work on creating a bigger social circle, one that exists outside of my ex's friend group so I can create a better safer environment for me. I am surprised I have not thought of doing something like this sooner. Most clubs and meet-ups are always at a time and place I am not comfortable with and my therapist suggested I make a club then instead. Plus if I do this, its something I can add to my resume. My tarot cards seem to emphasis encouraging a maternal aspect within me which is sort of a more caring, emotion based leader. I'm going to try it and see where it goes.

Lot of people on this site have suggested that I create a stronger support group before I jump back into the dating game, especially while I work on getting my depression under control, I figure its a good first step, and if I am busy with developing platonic bonds, I might not obsess over being in a relationship and just let it happen when it happens. the secret of patience is doing something else in the meantime.

I also have been struggling with a feeling of inadequacy and anger in the face of my crush. I keep getting messages in my dreams ( take that as you will) and more subtle hints in the "real" world but its frustratingly slow and limited. I keep sort of freezing up when he does give me attention. I just wish I get more than "once-a-day flirt" . Plus whoever I date, they must, hands down, be someone I feel utterly and completely comfortable revealing myself too. If I feel like I have censor myself to an extreme ( I mean we can't say EVERYTHING that's on our mind, but the big important stuff should be always allowed to be spoken aloud) then its not a good strong bond. Which sucks if that's the case with this guy because he did meet alot of my standards. Though he is a bit oblivious of others and pretentious.

One of my coworkers mentioned that he felt that my crush views everyone around him as more stupid then him. Which hurts because it makes me worry that's how he views me; stupid, pathetic etc. If he does then he deserves a quick swift to the balls because I am the Queen of Awesome but still. It does sting, and it enrages me; its a slap in the face as I take pride in my education and natural intellect. I am not an idiot, even though I process things slower than others and can get over-stimmed. Just because I can be loud and expressive, or say "ain't" or write fairly simply in my dairy most of the time does not mean I am underdeveloped or lack education or intelligence. He better not see me that way because I will take him down a peg or two, though I wonder if I already do? Sometimes when he decides to strike up an attitude with me or gets abit rude, he suddenly changes his tune just a few seconds after and is suddenly very nice. I don't know if he does this just for me or if he is trying to maintain the "good guy" image for his job. And again if this is the type of person who cares solely for his job ( as a fast food manager, really. Its always a good thing to put quality effort into your work but its not a position you should be bragging about) then maybe he isn't a good person.

I keep going back and forth with this and I really do think leaving this position for a better job is a good idea all around. This is an issue that needs to be put to bed. I have been using this little fantasy as a crutch to hide fro the dreary dreads of the reality of bills, school, headaches. And I would love for that fantasy to be real but I am becoming dependent on it. Which is not a good thing to bring to any relationship.