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"Ninety-nine problems and the human race ain't one." sung Cthulhu merrily as he swung one of his giant tentacles into a building. Another tentacle slivered up his cheek and adjusted his enormous sunglasses. "Mmmmmhm, aw yeah. That's the stuff, why, yes it is." The collapsing building leaned onto his chest and was quickly swatted away by a large hand. "Dirtying me up? Not cool." He fixed his bow-tie begrudgingly and straightened his pink suit. "The ladies dig it, so they'll dig me. You can't be cramping my style, man." offered Cthulhu with a helpless shrug as he stomped the building until its debris was more numerous than his tentacles.
"A monster is attacking! A monster with huge tentacles!" screeched a fleeing human from one of the few remaining homes.
"A monster? What the jazz? Bro, I'm no monster, I'm just one giant birth defect." growled the elder being, reddening beneath his writhing tentacles. "I've got feelings, man. Hopes and dreams, and a puppy named Tom. Sure Tom isn't a conventional name for a dog, but I really don't care. I'm a rebel, and rebels name their dogs strange things." explained the giant as he eased himself onto his knees and looked into the side of the building where the man had originally screamed. "Be cool and accept me, you'll find the world is brighter when lit with the smiles of everyone." He turned away and gave a thumbs up to the ruins behind him. "Am I right, my homies?"
"My leg!" cried a distant voice. Cthulhu rolled his countless eyes and several tentacles worked to pull his sunglasses down.
"You understand me, bro?"
"All it does is click and gasp! I think it may be trying to speak with us, perhaps even share his views on the world, but I don't know!" shrieked a woman.
"Ah, that's right, you're all stupid. Whatever, it's cool." Cthulhu pushed himself back onto his feet with a low grunt and moaned as he stretched his tentacles. "Man, did you guys invent hotdogs yet? I could really go for a hotdog. Or krinizzileaniosi? I'd love one of those. The way the eyes cry as they're set down on your table, oh, the tears are to die for!" He rubbed his stomach and felt something tug at his grin until his lips caved in and became a frown. "Man, this belly ain't working for me at all. So big and round. I've got all the curves a man could ever want, but a lady. Man, they're hard to please." He slapped his stomach and the sound resounded throughout the world. Several windows exploded, ejaculating their glass onto him. "My, my, even windows. Just not women. What a confusing gender." He reached into his nest of tentacles that squirmed below his face and pulled out a gigantic bag of Doritos. "And then I just eat my problems away!" He tore the bag open with such force that a neighboring building shuddered and crumbled. He emptied the contents into his gaping mouth. "Man, why is food so good? Why, calories, why?" He tossed the bag aside and crouched onto the ground. He wept softly and several tentacles prodded his wet cheeks with tissues. "Life's just so hard, you know?"
"I think he's having some sort of emotional breakdown, perhaps he's unhappy about his appearance or his love life? I still don't know, I don't speak his language!" cried the same woman as before.
"******** it, I'm beautiful!" He rose up once more and beat a fist against his jiggling stomach. "I'm so hot, the sun had to take lessons from me! Mmmmhm, how's that? Ladies, I don't need to make you happy, I'm super kawaii, and that's all the matters. Senpai out." He opened his mouth and blew the earth away with a screeching beam.
THE END.
NO REGRETS.